A funny thing happened on the way to Ethiopia........

Two minute snap shot...

2011-10-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight at church the Kenya mission team shared stories of their trip. Here is what I shared.

Since I was a child, I have always wanted two things: to be a mom and to go to Africa. So going in never the question for me. The question is if it is God's will for my family and I at this particular time. I was confident it was until a few days before we left when I can only explain as an unsettling came over my spirit. Something like fear, doom even...it was weird. This is from my journal the first night of our trip:

We finally arrived after 6 countries, 5 connections and 42 hours of travel. It is awesome to see God at work in this team.

The past few days I have had some serious restlessness in my spirit. Honestly questioning if I were to still come. I can't really explain it but it was hard to discern if it were a divine inspired feeling of caution or just the devil trying to get in the way. After a lot of prayer, seeking out some Godly counsel, unsolicited encouragement from others and talking to Trevor, I decided to trust God.

On the plane between Brussels and Rwanda, I finished my talk for the women's conference my friend Christie and I would be giving to the Maasai women. I had been trying to write it for months and it came spewing out of me in one hours time. Scripture came to my mind and words to my heart and when I layed my pen down I knew exactly why I had those feelings a few days earlier...Satan was skeered! God was using me; this country girl from the hog farm in Southern Indiana to tell the Maasai women in the Bush of Kenya how much God values their life and loves them.

You know, it's funny, I always told Trevor before we were married to tell me now if he ever thought he was going to be called to be a preacher because I was not called to be a preacher's wife but I think I may have just written my first sermon.

My fears have always been in my limitations, my inadequacies...especially when i'm in an experience with people I love and care for and the needs are so great. I'm a helper by nature so it is uncomfortable for me to feel so small in the midst of intense suffering. So this trip for me was very personal this time around. It was a series of God revealing himself to me moments. The reassurance of His love for the people and country I love, His love for me and just how big He is.

This happened in a number of ways. The first was seeing our child we sponsor again. I met her two years ago on my first trip and it was a wonderful feeling to see her again. I said her name when I saw her and she said, "Jen you're here." It was the best feeling to get to look into this child's face and let her know that I was not just a tourist passing by but someone who loved her and prayed for her and was completely invested in her life. There were CHE trainers, teachers, social workers and other children I had met two years prior and their names just kept coming to me as if the Holy Spirit whispered each one to me and fed those relationships. It encouraged them and me.

On our tour of the slum the fist day, Jesus again showed me His face while we were walking through and we ran into Mary. The exact same Mary I had met two years before on my first day. She invited us into her home and it was a reminder to me how encouraging it is to them to have us show up time and time again to show Jesus' love to them.

At Joska, the boarding school we visited there were 3 girls I had spent a lot of time with on my previous trip that I was really hoping I would see again. We were there for worship on Sunday and it is a large school of almost 800. When a hand grabbed mine to dance in praise, I should not have been surprised that it would be Lucy, one of the 3, sitting directly behind me out of the hundreds that filled the place.

It was in a shanty in Mathare that I took a women named Anne's confession of faith.

And the loudest "our God is greater" moment for me was on the final day of celebration with Area 2 school. Each afternoon it had been tough for me to leave Mercy. I would become teary and an unbearable sadness would fill my heart that this was her home. I often struggle with why I was born into the privilege I was and others have such a different story. Before traveling I had asked if it would be possible to meet with Mercy's family and was told no. On that final day, I walked into the school and out of the close to 800,000 residents in Mathare Valley, God had brought Catherine, Mercy's mother, to me. She sat in the corner with her baby on her lap and I knew right away it was her. I was able to speak with her and show her pictures of our family and tell her we pray for them. She had on the necklace Grace had sent with me for Mercy and I had given her just a few days before. The cross now hung on her neck and it felt in my spirit as if God were saying, Mercy is okay. Her family is okay. I am with them and love you all so much. I love you enough to give you this gift of this meeting and the peace I know it will bring to your heart. Our God is so BIG and in every detail.

I always question how I can have an impact, of what use am I? God knowingly acknowledged my insecurities at each turn placing people in my path as if to say, I am big enough for both of us. I love you immensely. Thank you for saying yes.

2011-10-19T03:32:00.000-07:00

Mission trip journal coming soon....

Emotions before mom leaves.

2011-09-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

I lay awake unable to sleep. It's about 4:30 in the morning and my upcoming mission trip to Kenya has thoughts turning in my head. I hear the shuffle of little feet and Ava asks to climb into bed with me for the 2nd time in the night. I pull back the covers and she cozies in. She is one of those children that can't get close enough. She drapes her legs over my waist and lays her head on my arm and sinks in to the fluff of this momma. I ask her what she is thinking of and why she hasn't slept well and she simply says, you are going to Africa. This child of mine that would like the world to think she is the toughest 6 year old on the planet has the biggest heart of them all. I have found it's often the ones that appear the toughest that have the most vulnerable little spirits. I hold her close and tell her how special she is to mommy and how much I love her. We talk about why mommy is going to Africa. I tell her that God's plan for telling others about Jesus is us. I tell her that Africa is where I have felt God calling me since I was a girl her age. We talk about how important it is to show others the love and hope that God has brought to our lives. It was one of those conversations that brings tears to the corners of your eyes. I lay there in the silence for the next ten minutes taking in my effective parenting brilliance and then the silence is broken by the little voice in the dark, "Didn't you tell them about Jesus last year?"

Prayer for families

2011-05-05T16:26:00.001-07:00

I was asked to pray for families in our community for the National Day of Prayer gathering at our town square. I had to chuckle when I got the itinerary. Many of the names had a title before it or some grouping of letters to signal their importance, education or role in this life. And there was my little name. I am reminded once again that God uses the ordinary!! But, I am the mother of five, a wife, a daughter, and a sister so I guess that qualifies me. I was honored to pray for our families. Here is my heartfelt prayer:

Gracious, Loving, Heavenly Father, Creator of Family,
We come to you today to thank you for the blessing of family, for the joy they bring us and the foundation they give us in this world. I know the state of our families must make you weep at times, break your heart, and we ask for forgiveness today for our failings.

We commit all the families represented here today to you…the families throughout Hamilton County and our great country. We ask that you not only preserve the sanctity of families, Lord, but that you would give us the strength to thrive and return to being the single strongest measure of our society.

Heavenly Father, we know you are sovereign and in Romans 5 you speak of your great love for us and we ask that you help us to trust in your love and sovereingty when the hard times hit. We pray for marriages that are split apart by divorce, betrayal, pain of poor choices and daily disappointments….we pray for healing over them, Lord God. In Ephesians 4:31-32 you tell us to put aside our anger and to forgive one another…send your Holy Spirit to help us do just that. We pray for forgiveness where it is needed and for you to work miracles in the lives of our families.

Today, Dear God, we ask you for unity, for open communication, compassion and kindness to fill our homes. Help us to speak to one another in love and to find the face of Jesus in our family members. Empower us with a spirit of service to one another and to our neighbors. You have told us that where two or three are gathered in your name, there You are in the midst of them….May your spirit dwell within our relationships and homes and may our community see the fruit of your presence among us.

At this moment, Lord, I believe you have the power to help us overcome anything. We call on you to help families that are struggling to break the cycle of violence, poverty, abuse and neglect. We pray you would place people in their lives to fill the gap for them. We ask that you create in them hands for helping and holding, not hurting. We pray for children in foster care and throughout the world that are waiting for families and for couples that are waiting to be parents. We pray for single parents and the extraordinary job that is.
For all parents in our community, Loving Savior, we pray for patience and wisdom. Help us to unconditionally love our children as you love your son, Jesus, and to seek Your face and Your Word in answer to the questions parenting brings our way.
There are families in every community throughout the US, including ours, that you provide for daily and we thank you for your provisions. Continue to meet the needs, Lord, of shelter and safety, food and medical care. Provide opportunities where there are none and work for those without employment. We pray for the working poor. And Heavenly Father, bless those families that in a world that calls us to bigger and better, they choose as a family to live simply so others can simply live. Let those families shine as an example for others.

We ask, Dear God, that you would create a desire within our families to WANT to spend time together…to make our marriages and family a priority. Help us to focus on our own response and actions despite the attitude and hurtful words that may come our way. Help us to be the first to love, even when it is difficult, in every circumstance.

I am amazed by you, Lord, by the beauty you surround us with, the grace you offer us, and the love you freely give. Allow us to put aside our own vision and dreams to come together united to work towards yours. Let us not ask of you each day what you can do for us, but what you, Lord God, can do through us.
In the mighty name of our Lord Jesus, we ask these things. ~Amen

Real faith is born of the cross.

2011-04-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

The past few months have found me in the midst of some pretty great suffering. Not my own, but others. It seems like all around me people are struggling and hurting. But in the spirit of Springtime and new growth it is amazing what I have seen in all of this...extreme faith. Faith that makes you weep and draw nearer to our God. Last night as I was working alone in the quiet, my thoughts turned to this Easter season. I have always been drawn to the dark beauty of Good Friday, one of the most violent and tragic days in our history as a people. I have always recognized that without Jesus' suffering on the cross, there would be no resurrection. As I was meditating on what that selfless act has meant for me, my mind turned to all the hurt I have seen over the past few months and it clearly defined real faith for me.

Real faith doesn't come in the ease of the everyday or the comfort of routine, real faith comes when it is challenged...when you are face down in the depths of your pain and can trust God anyway...when you are hurting, the ones you love are hurting and you want it to stop but instead are able to find a way to glorify God in the midst of it. That is faith. Faith like the example Jesus gave us in His last moments on this earth. He cried out to Our father, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" and in the complete surrender to God's will "Yet not my will, but yours be done." Even Jesus asked, why do I have to go through this? Isnt' there some other way? But sometimes, there is not. The only way to the Father was the cross. The thing I wish we could get in our culture is there was no other way and there is no other way except the cross of Calvary. It is the same today. Jesus didn't ask us to bring our own drinks and our favorite appetizer. He asked us to take up our cross and follow Him. We serve a God that CHOSE thorns over a throne. There is such intimate beauty with our King if we could only learn to embrace our sufferings. Faith comes in praising HIM anyhow. Not my will, Father, but yours. I have seen that faith firsthand amidst the suffering of others in the last few months.

Faith is in the mother of 5 boys taking in infant twins to care for and love on because they need a home.

Faith is in the heart of my 12 year old friend who lies in the hospital bed fighting for her life. Faith is in the grace of her parents praising God through this storm and standing hand in hand with friends around her bed thanking God for the opportunity to witness to others through this.

Faith is in the young mother I visited holding her not quite 4 pound son born 7 weeks premature who isn't hooked up to a single thing and there is no earthly explanation for his success.

Faith is in the locked arms of my family that surrounded my Papaw's bedside praying him in to the arms of Jesus. Faith is in my friend's brother as he struggled for each last breath.

Faith is in my Papaw's suffering and his quiet dignity and resignation to God's will for his life. Faith is in my friend's family embracing the life of their brother that lived each day in a wheelchair with a body that would not cooperate and lost his life far too young.

Faith is in the person that struggles with issues from their past and is haunted by the memories but knows that is not how God defines them.

Faith is in the wife that fights for her marriage that the world told her long ago to abandon.

Faith is in the patience of the mother that comforts and calms her autistic son for the 6th time that day

Faith is in the waiting for more than 2 years to bring your child home with you as they sit in an orphanage half a world away without you.

Faith is in my father-in-law that lived his life serving Christ and now sits and stares, his mind and soon body lost to Alzheimers.

Faith is in the cross. Faith is in knowing that the celebration is yet to come. Faith is in trusting that whatever I have to go through on this earth is nothing compared to what spending eternity apart from Jesus would be like. Faith is in our yes, to you God. Not my will, but yours be done. It's in trusting in God's sovereignty.

All this suffering, pain, struggles....all this blech!...Does it hurt? Absolutely. Do we wish there was another way? Sure. Do we cry out to God and ask why and ask if there is any other way. Yes, yes, yes. But there is beauty in the suffering, ya'll. There is a grace I cannot explain. There is an intimacy with our Savior if we can only learn to embrace our cross as He did. And then....after all that....after that real faith...then resurrection comes.

2011-03-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

One week ago today, I sat by my Papaw's hospital bed holding his hand as he was welcomed into the arms of Jesus. There are parts of that day that are forever seared in my memory as if it were slow motion. The day before, I had gotten a call that my grandpa was back in the hospital. It seemed his 17 1/2 year battle with cancer was starting to get the best of him. It was his second trip to the hospital in less than a week's time. In the quiet of my spirit I just knew I had to go. He lives more than 3
hours away. I quickly made the two meals I had promised to friends for the next day, farmed out all of the kids to other friends over the next few days, called my husband to tell him I needed to go and showered and threw clothes into an overnight bag and was on my way in less than 3 hours. It wasn't my need to feel needed or my need to protect the ones I love, this nudge I felt to go was from a deeper part of my soul...a nudge to just go and serve. I had an overwhelming desire to be their for others. I love my Papaw deeply and am very close with him as I think all of his grandkids would say. But this urge to go there was to lessen the burden from my aunts and uncles, his children and wife so they could just sit at his feet and BE with him. I simply told them all to be with him and I would do all the running, cooking, cleaning that needed to be done so they could truly focus on loving him in those moments.

My sisters and I had talked about this for a long time that when it came time to say goodbye to our grandparents how difficult it would be and how unbelievably sad it would be for us. I made a conscience decision on the way to southern Indiana that I was gonna praise God anyhow. In the midst of my fear and sadness, in the midst of my Papaw's pain, I was going to focus on the glory his life had brought to Our God and his undeniable faith. I put my praise music on and for 3 and a half hours I had church up in that little car. I raised my hands and sang til I was hoarse and tears rolled down my cheeks. I smiled and sang and cried and sang and all the while prepared my heart to serve my family however they needed me. I got pulled over for speeding in Terre Haute and for the first time in my life, I got a warning instead of a ticket!! I might start having church in my car more often!!

When I walked into my Papaw's room late that night, his eyes were still smiling. I made a joke with him that I heard he'd been asking for his favorite grandchild so I had come quickly. I kissed his bald head and hugged all my aunts and uncles. I got to speak with him a bit but his breathing was taking all of his energy and he only spoke when you asked him a question. He looked frail for my grandpa. He looked tired. He looked drastically different from when I had visited just one month before.

The following day after taking my grandma to the doctor for her blood pressure I brought her into the hospital and came in to see him. He had a rough night. My mom had stayed with him and I could see her concern. His breathing seemed a bit more challenging but his eyes were still smiling. He was completely alert still and knew I was there with him. I left the hospital to go and make lunch for all of the family at the hospital. I did some cleaning and made the meal and felt this overwhelming urgency to get back to the hospital. On my way, I recieved a text from my dad saying he did not know how much longer my Grandpa had. I ran from the car on the third level of the parking garage carrying a cooler, a paper grocery bag, a carrying case with a huge crock pot of chili and my purse....the paper handle broke and I was sweating and running and had chili pouring down my side. When I came around the corner into his room, each of my aunts and uncles were standing there with my Mamaw. They were in a half circle standing around his bed. No one was touching him. No one was saying anything. Everyone just stood quietly weeping. I think they were in shock. It had all happened so fast. I told my mom someone should touch him. I asked her if I could say something to him and she said yes. I went to my Papaw and I held his face in my hands. I touched his bald head and kissed his forehead and the words just came as the single tears turned into a continous fountain of grief. "Thank you, Papaw. On behalf of all of your grandkids, thank you for doing what was right instead of what was easy. Thank you for loving us through our teenage years with green hair and tattoos and our bad attitudes. Thank you for leading our family like you have and for being the kind of man that lived his life in such a way that we don't have to question where you are going. You have led us well....this whole bunch of kooks. Thank you for your faith. And I know 30 years ago you never dreamed you'd have 10 black great grandbabies but you love them all the same and I love you for that. Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much." I may have said more. That is what I remember saying.

Then my mom came and each of my aunts and uncles and then my Mamaw. We circled him tight and touched his feet, his legs, his hands. We held on to each other and my dad started the rosary. I was raised Catholic and my entire family still is. My Papaw said the rosary countless times a day, often sitting on his front porch overlooking the land he farmed. In the middle of our prayers, I overheard my Mamaw say to her husband of 60+ years that it was okay, he was on the porch saying his rosary and it was okay. My shoulders shook and the kind of tears that come from somewhere deep within fell down my face and the amount of love in that room was palpable. The nurse taking care of my grandfather quietly took his pulse as she wept. My Mamaw held one hand and I his other. I just kept rubbing his hand and watching his face. We took his oxygen mask off. On the fourth decade of the rosary, it's focus is the assumption of Mary into heaven when she is reunited with her son again. It is said for the grace of a holy death and it is when my dad's voice broke announcing that section of the rosary that my Papaw took his last breath.

I have seen my own children be born and two of my sister's children. In an odd way, It felt similar. I was indeed in the presence of a miracle. I felt the love of Jesus engulf that space and I felt as if I had truly been given a gift to be there and release my Papaw to the arms of Our Heavenly Father. It was beautiful. I don't know if I've ever witnessed such love. It was such a divine moment that I've struggled to write about it because no earthly words are good enough.

My Papaw had 8 children, 7 living. He had been married to my Mamaw for over 60 years. That committment shaped him. His first children were twins, my mother being one of them and the other, my Aunt Doris with severe special needs. He carried her everywhere she wanted to go until the last year of her life when she fell into a coma and died at the age of 16. That loss shaped him. He saw the world when he fought in World War II and that is where the asbestos from the hull of the ship he was on sat in his lungs and eventually took his life. The service shaped him. Je spent most of his life farming the land and raising his livestock. That hardwork shaped him. He ended his formal education after the 8th grade because he was needed on the farm. That sacrifice shaped him. My family is from a small farming town where real men drive trucks and the ladies drive smaller trucks. That community shaped him. But most of all, he was a man of faith. He believed in God and his son Jesus. He understood suffering and grace and mercy. He loved big and was a man of character and integrity and honor. His faith shaped him. He had 26 grandchildren and 16 great grandchildren. His family shaped him.

And all of that....his entire journey....shaped me. Shaped my mom and my dad and our family. He led us. He showed us. He was stubborn and old school and lived in the same small town most of his days but this man wasn't confined by that. He did it by choice. It offered a sense of family and faith and values that he cherished and fought hard for. He did the right thing even when it was hard and he valued his word and committment. I watched at his funeral as close to 1000 people came. I watched as 90 year old men wept and spoke of his light. I watched as the 5 and 6 year old neighbor children sobbed because they will miss their talks with him on the porch. I watched as so many laughed about stories of his stubbornness or humor or his love of life. My Papaw was the kind of Papaw that taught me how to fish and put me on his lap on the tractor and drove 5 hours to see me in a play in high school. He told ya when ya did right and you heard about it when ya did wrong. He was funny and full of life and loved family and the earth and learning new things. He went white water rafting when he was 82. He lived a good good life. He was blessed. We were blessed. I am so honored to be a part of his legacy. I am so thrilled for him that he is cutting up a rug in heaven, playing cards and driving the combine in the fields of golden wheat. I cannot wait til I see him again. I am so thankful for the promises of our God. And I am sad...Unbelievably sad for the loss my family feels....for my mom and her siblings...for my cousins that saw him on a daily basis and have farmed with him...for my children that are so young...and most of all for my mamaw that has lived most of her life with this man and now at the age of 82 has to adjust to life without him. This will shape us. It's time like these that example he gave us of family and faith will shine. Thank you, Papaw.

As my mom whispered to you last Tuesday right before 2:00pm, "i have no doubt you will hear, Well done, good and faithful servant." Well done.

Update of friend's Thai adoption!

2011-02-22T05:40:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I asked you all to pray for my friend that has been waiting to pick her little girl up from Thailand for 2 and a half years! Well, I am thrilled to say that she and her husband left today with their other 3 children in tow (all under the age of 11)!!!! They will be bringing their daughter home!!!! So thrilled for this loving and amazing family. While there they will be visiting 3 orphanages, the one their daughter is from, the one they picked their son up from where he spent 5 years of his life and another. We were able to get some funds together with some generous friends and they will be able to get the Thai children some necessities and a few treats! I am so excited to see what God does through this family. How cool will it be for their son to be back in his orphanage and be able to give to the children there?! Please pray for safe travels, for good health and for a smooth transition for this family that said YES to God's call.

I love a good talk with a friend.

2011-02-17T08:26:00.000-08:00

3 days in a row! My blogging self is crawling out of her hole!

I was chatting with my best friend today about how exciting it is to be hungry for God's word. (This same friend and I used to sit and talk about boys and what bar to hit that night and who did what to who. I love friendships that grow with you!) We were talking about how easy it is to read what you should believe, to listen to what you should believe....to have someone else tell you. We were talking about how dangerous that can be too. You can't have a relationship with God through someone elses. You have to have your own. Our children won't be saved because we know God....it is our responsibility to help them gain their own relationship with HIM. It's in the relationship that things change.

After we chatted, this thought came to mind. I thought I'd share:)

I liken it to a friend of a friend. You know how you have different circles of friends. For example I have a core group of women in my life that I have known since I was 15. I have another group of women I love and have grown with unbelievably in the past few years. The two groups don't know each other. They have met on one occassion I think. I don't keep them from one another, we all live in different cities and it just has never happened. I often think of how much I love both these groups and wish they knew each other. I like to have all the people I love, love each other:) Unity makes me happy! But I digress....

I have told each group of ladies about the other. They know their names and what they mean to me. They may know about their families or experiences we've shared in the past. They may even FEEL like the know each other because of that. You know what I'm talking about, right?! You've met someone and think, gosh I feel like I know you! The fact is though that if these two women were in the same room together we'd discover they don't really know one another. They would have things in common, they would get along well, they would have similar values but they probably would not confide in one another. They would not implicitly trust one another. They would not feel that unconditional love I feel for these amazing women of my life. They in fact, may not even feel that much of a connection to them at all. These women are amazing so I think their might be an element of friendly love/concern for one another just because I love them all....They would enjoy their time but they would not know each other at first. NO matter what I had told them about one another. One group would not spill their darkest secrets to the others (and trust me, with these girls there are some secrets;) ) just because I say they can trust them. That level of comfort and intimacy would not be there. It shouldn't be there.

There is one thing I have learned with any relationship....particularly these friendships...
being a good friend takes work. You have to check in and listen and talk and take time to invest in your relationship even when life gets in the way....even when it's inconvenient or time consuming or circumstances change. All that work is why these relationships are so strong, such a blessing to me. We all work at it. We value our time and know it makes us better. In these groups we look at the world differently, have different priorities, different lifestyles....but we understand one another and KNOW that is who we are.

I say all of this to make the point that our relationship with God is no different. I won't get into heaven or know what God wants for my life because my parents know HIM and taught me about HIM. Listening to others opinions and reading commentary and amazing Christian books won't either. Surrounding myself with Godly people who can give Godly advice....doesn't make my relationship with God mine. Tuning into KLOVE isn't enough to make me truly know Jesus. The sermon on Sunday, no matter how powerful and eloquently spoken won't change my heart for God if I don't seek HIM in my own time too. Will these things help grow my faith? ABSOLUTELY! Are they important pieces of our walk with God. SURE. Did God design these wonderful things to help encourage us and so we can do life together like the early church. YOU BET! But HE wants us to know HIM on our own. HE wants us to see who we are in HIS eyes. HE knows us. That part is done. HE knows your heart and thoughts, dreams, struggles, sins, mistakes, failures, triumphs and deepest part of your soul. But HE is waiting for us. Like the friend you call over and over never to get a call back. Like the friend that never has time for lunch or a phone call or to remember days that are special to you. Like the friend that thinks what is happening in their own life is more important than what is happening in yours. That doesn't create intimacy. That doesn't create trust or truly KNOWING one another. Real relationship is not one sided. It works both way.

We have to seek HIS face in prayer in solitude. We have to seek HIS word. It is how we get to know HIM. We have a living God. Who else can say that?! HE is waiting on us to get to know HIM. To know HIS heart. HIS dreams for HIS people He is waiting for us to see the world through HIS eyes. HE is waiting for us to understand why HE did what HE did....how much he must love us....to understand HIS sacrifice and the cost of HIS choice...To KNOW HIM. HE is waiting for us to call HIM friend.

It takes work. Just like any relationship...friendships, marriage, children....You ask the questions, you listen to their words, you watch them to see their likes and dislikes and what makes them tick....you pursue them, you spend time with them, you confide and are trusted and you work at KNOWING. God is waiting for us. It is our responsibility to search HIM on our own. Others can't do it for us. What God wants for my life, is not what He wants for yours. If we both read the same verse of the Bible right now, it would speak to us differently. God's words are living. They are designed to give us, individually, what we need at this given time in our life. How cool is our God to give us that gift?! HE wants a relationship with us. HE knows us. I pray a renewed sense of desire in your heart to want to KNOW HIM. I pray that you feel that relationship and how real it is to the split ends on your head and the toes that need a Spring Polish!

chapter 2

2011-02-16T06:03:00.000-08:00

I had to miss last night's class due to sick kids and a change of family schedule. I heard it was thought provoking and intense and I hated to miss everyone's valuable insights.

This chapter reminded me that to be able to follow God's will for our lives, to be able to do the work He asks of us, we must desire to get to know Him. We must crave His Word. If we don't understand the way of our God, then how can we serve Him? As Christians we cannot do the will of our Lord God unless we know the ways of the Lord our God.

Chapter 2 also points glaringly to the problems of this world, including a watered down Christianity where we meet society's expectations of what good is instead of God's. The option we are given is not if we serve or if we choose God but in the how. There are some things that God just simply commands of us. He demands us all to be radical. For example, he commands us all to take care of the orphan and widows (James 1:27)......For some, that looks like the young lady I follow on a blog that is single and in her 20's and has adopted 14 girls and operates a massive feeding program in Uganda. For me that looks like adopting two children. For me that looks like sponsoring a child in Kenya so she can go to school and get immunizations and eat while learning about Jesus. For you that may look like fostering or visiting a nursing home or clearing the snow from your older neighbor's driveway. It may mean cooking a meal for a family that is fostering or watching their children so they can have a break or maybe it means lovingly caring for a parent or grandparent......these are all radical. None of them big or small. The radical piece, for me, comes in being completely obedient to Christ.

The orphan and widow is just an example. He also calls us each to tell others about Jesus. Is that in being a missionary? Talking to a friend? Teaching in the children's class at church on Sunday? What is He calling you to? What is He asking of you? Requiring of you? When I think of it, we could all be doing more.....there is always more to do....Jesus died for us!!! What could we possibly do to make it seem like we are doing enough for HIM? The only answer I have for that is to give him your, Yes! Whatever you ask of me, I will do. That looks different for all of us. I believe you have to come to peace with the fact that you are being obedient to His calling for your life. If you constantly are asking of yourself am I doing enough, then maybe you aren't. But if you know you are following those nudges, answering His promptings on your life, then I believe we are living radically for Christ.

With all that being said, none of this can be done with out Christ.....His Holy Spirit residing in us. When we commit our hearts to God, we gain a power I think few really tap into. We are given the power of Christ to do what He calls us to do. I could not do what I do without God's living Spirit in my life. I would not have adopted, would not be the mom I am or the wife I am or the friend I work hard to be. I would not reach out in encouragement to others or probably even realize they needed encouragement in the first place. I think it is so important to see that is why it is important for chapter 2 to seek His face, to read His word, to desire to know Him intimately and and it is then.....when we crave His will, when we are radically dependent on Him to provide, guide, comfort and teach us.....it is then that we can live RADICALLY for Him, IN HIM!!! How exciting is that?!!! I am hoping this book talks about how powerful and essential His Holy Spirit is to living a Radical life because for me, it is the only way it can be done.

My talents, my strengths, weaknesses, the fruits of my life's work through Christ will look differently than yours. That is where the road is wide. The only way to heaven is through Christ....that is how it is narrow. He gives us that salvation, that invitation to an eternal life with Him freely. That "gift of God's Grace involves the gift of a new heart. New desires. New longings." (Radical p. 39) It is our responsibility to accept it and spend the rest of our life getting to know Him more and answer with a resounding Yes. Use me God, I am yours. It seems the current church in general fails Chrisitans in this way. If you are just saying Yes, I believe, you are missing out on the power of His Spirit residing in you. Yes, you gain that gift instantly but you must get to know Him to truly tap into that power. That power is what brings about change in behavior, in life, in choices, etc.

The focus should not be on feeling guilty or scared into doing good deeds to gain access to heaven; but the focus, I believe should be in our intimacy with our Heavenly Father...gaining an insatiable desire to get to know Him more, to learn about Him, study His word, see the world through His eyes, have broken hearts over what breaks His heart. When we are getting to know our God and calling on Him to help us do what He asks of us, then the works, the fruits of the Spirit, the deeds and actions come freely. It is His will we seek. His will in our lives becomes a natural progression of Christ residing in us. As we get to know Him and become closer to Him, our hearts begin to resemble His.....our life's work begin to reflect that. When we truly begin to understand His love and His sacrifice for us, is when we can begin to comprehend that He deserves nothing less than our complete and total surrender, our obedience to Him.

So don't be discouraged or afraid of your salvation. Pray for a desire to know Him, a desire to be in His word, of HIS world. It is then that the growing happens. It is then that the beauty comes from ashes. It is then that the fuit of Christ residing in you shines and those around you will come to see HIM. The sheer blessing it is to know and experience Him is not one to be missed. Now that, my friends, is radical!

Radical!

2011-02-16T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am studying the book Radical by David Platt with a group of amazing women at my church. We are lead by a brave woman that answered her yes to God by leading a study that provokes emotions and struggles and makes people question all kinds of things in their lives. I cannot imagine leading a study like this. Especially when I don't have all the answers and God calls us all to such different places in life. I am thankful she said yes though. I am thankful that I am in a study with women that will question and struggle and seek answers to grow their faith in God.

David Platt starts out his book Radical by thoughtfully provoking the reader to answer some questions based upon the idea that Chritianity today has met our society's standards in catering to ourselves when the message of the Gospel of Christ is to abandon oneself. It leads you asking the question what do I need to abandon to be radically obedient to God. This could be something concrete like the material posessions of this world or maybe it something more abstract like the image or status your position at work gives you or maybe it is letting go of the past, of failures, of hurts, of anger. All of those things get in our way of truly being obedient to Christ's calling on our lives. With all that clutter, we cannot pursue Him or a life that points to His glory.

The first chapter leaves us asking the questions:
Do we truly believe Jesus? His promises? His power?

If we belive Him, do we trust Him? Obey Him? Enough to do the crazy when He asks? The radical?

Does our life reflect Christ residing in us? Is our life pointing to God's glory?

Wow, huh? Real light stuff for a Tuesday night study:) A couple of things I can see in this book. It is going to cause people to question, to squirm, to seek answers for themselves, to take inventory, to be introspective. Although many of those things are scary at first glance, they all bring about growth and for that, I am excited!!! Bring it.

You guys are good!

2010-12-11T16:37:00.000-08:00

Less than four weeks ago, I asked you all to pray for my friends that have been waiting FOREVER for their daughter to come home from Thailand. They heard news this week that the paperwork if finally done and they should be traveling in 10-12 weeks. I cannot stop crying for them. I get that chills down the back and clump of emotion in my throat everytime I share their good news with them. I simply cannot wait for this momma (and the dad of course) to have her baby in her arms. Thanks for your prayers. Keep em coming that they travel in a timely manner and their transition home is as smooth as can be. Just to let you have a sneak peek into their hearts, she closed her latest blog with this verse and it filled my soul.

Psalm 13:12...
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.

Happy Birthday Godchild!

2010-12-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

Ten years ago today, I was in a hospital room with my very scared but brave 17 year old sister sitting on the bed beside her right in her face having her blow on my finger so she wouldn't push. I was across from her 18 year old boyfriend, born a crack baby to his own teenage mother, and praying all the while for them all. About 30 minutes later, my neice was born with a full head of hair, chubby thighs and a personality too big for her little body. My sister had a child long before any of us thought she would, long before the ideal time in her life that's for sure and I don't recommend it but Chiara Amelia I believe saved her. (a post all it's own)Chiara Amelia has brought so much joy to all of our lives and I cannot imagine it any other way.

I won't ever forget when my baby sister came to me and told me she was pregnant not long after her 17th birthday. I had just had my own daughter and had a wonderful husband and I knew full well how hard it is. Here I was looking at this young kid with her punk boyfriend standing next to her thinking how in the world will they make it! But thankfully, the Holy Spirit took over and I although I don't remember the specifics of what I said, I remembering hugging them both and saying we would get through it and they had a lot to learn in the next 9 months and that Trevor and I would be there each step of the way. We spent the next 9 months teaching all kinds of things, even to Chiara's dad how to hold a newborn and change their diaper, how to treat a diaper rash or ideas on how to soothe a fussy baby with a tummy ache. We mainly just tried to emulate for them what it looked like to be a healthy family. I remember instantly thinking that this little baby wasn't choosing how she was going to enter the world and that she deserved for us to be excited to meet her and to love her as much as the much anticipated and first child born into our family that I held in my arms had enjoyed. The two of them couldn't be more different but have been inseperable ever since.

It was with that spirit that we welcomed Chiara into the world this day 10 years ago. She came fast, so fast that I will never forget the look on my sister's face when they said there would be no time for an epidural. It was the first birth, other than my own by c-section, that I had seen. It was a miracle. She was a miracle and she still is.

Chiara is one of those rare kids with a sense of humor that seems older than her years. She is knee slapping funny. She is talented and loves to dance and can 'whip her hair back and forth' with the best of them. She is loving and gentle and stubborn and intuitive. She is a sweet girl with a heart that wants to know more about Jesus. She is curious and creative and smart. She is beautiful. She is our Chi and I love her so very much.

I used to worry if she would become a statistic with the beginning she had. I used to worry what that would mean for her life and although she hasn't had it easy....I know who she is and believe 100% in this kid. She can be absolutely anything she wants to be. Her mom and her have grown together and her momma has done an unconventional but fabulous job. They both are blessings to me. Yes, she was born to a teenage mom and dad with struggles of their own but that is only a part of her story. She is also a child of God. A God of redemption and Grace. An heir to the throne of the most High. And it is that I pray she believes and cherishes to the core of her soul. I pray she feels just how special she is to us all. I pray she feels the love we all have for her from the tips of her curls to the bottoms of her pink feet. You are amazing, Chi. I love you, girl, and it has been so fun to watch you grow into this little person Jesus chose you to be. I am honored to be your Godmother and Uncle T and I (and the whole gang) are here for you always. Happiest of Birthdays to you sweet girl. May you feel the joy in your heart this year that you bring to others.

Thanksgiving and raw emotions.

2010-12-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

We have had a crazy busy couple of weeks and I am still trying to catch my breath. The end of November culminated in a series of celebrations for us that left me unexpectedly emotional. We celebrated Logan's birthday on a Wednesday, Thanksgiving the next day, had a Forever Family Celebration that weekend and then the next Wednesday celebrated Perri turning 4! Not to mention the all nighter spent with my sisters Black Friday shopping and you'll know why I'm still trying to catch up on sleep!

Perri and Logan's birthdays had me feeling extremely thankful for them. I was even more appreciative of their birthmom's choice to give them life. I felt even more sad that she was missing them and they missing her. I felt even more conflicted within about how to wade the waters of an open adoption and what that looks like now and will look like for our family going forward. I thought about all the amazing victories along the way...How far these two children have come in the security of a family. I thought about the first days here and the steps until now and I wanted to scoop them up and freeze this time in our lives.

Thanksgiving found me waking with a lump in my throat as if the thought of the kids birthmom had sank into my brain while I slept. That day marked one year since they had seen her. One year since we had seen her or she them. I looked at their puffy little faces at breakfast and felt immeasurably sad for her. That she was missing this. I remembered how the last Thanksgiving was spent with her after we invited her to our family Thanksgiving. I remembered how loved she felt that day. I remember how brave she had to have been to accept our invitation. I remembered how many days Logan was out of sorts after that and how hard Perri cried for her when she left. I remembered how about a month later she wanted to see them and never showed up. I remembered why we are their family. I thanked God for our lives, our blessings. But the entire day, I could not get her out of my head. I wondered where she was and if she had a meal. I wondered if she was alone, safe, warm, or on the streets and lonely. I wondered if she was at a shelter or in the company of someones loving home. I wondered how I resolve her life to mine in my heart that tries so failingly sometimes to love like Jesus. It all took me by surprise. Not that I love them so much but that I love her. That is the most surprising element of this entire process to me....how intense and odd this love I have for her is...
how utterly ironic it is and emotionally draining and difficult to love the woman that I often feel like I am protecting them from or has been the cause of their heartache. It is my prayer that they someday feel that love I have for her and it directly shines on their own feelings of worth.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite time because I love to reflect on our blessings and this year was such a celebration of knowing that no person can ever take our family away now and how faithful we stayed on this journey but it was also a realization and reflection on the fact that very few people have what I have. That there are many who went hungry that day.....even if they had a plate full of food.

We were then humbled on the weekend by over 100 people coming out to celebrate our forever family with us. It was an amazing time for us. We had a wonderful conversation with our children that night about how many people came to celebrate that God chose us for each other. That each one of those people present were there to root for us and to love us and that those faces were not just friends and family but had listened to God's call on their life to encourage and support our family. We talked about how God often works through others to bless us and that if there is ever a time you feel far from HIM, that you can simply look around you and see His face in the face of others that love you. The blessings are family feels from you cannot be put into words. Angels comes close.

So we go into this season of celebrations with hearts overflowing. As I was preparing a picture board of photos from the past year and half for our Forever Family party, I realized how tiny Perri and Logan were when they came. All I could think of at the time was how big they were and how much I had missed already and now I see how small they were and how much they've grown and have challenged myself to stay in each present moment with my children. No more what ifs or what coulda shoulda woulda. We are infinitely blessed.

The past few weeks have brought an idea to mind....I am thinking that instead of MOM or bio or birth mother....I am thinking since she gave them life, I will call her their lifemom. And I will call MYSELF their mom for life! Their. Mom. For. Life.

Waiting and waiting.

2010-11-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, a beautiful friend with this fantastic family and she is waiting. A friend that loves God, family, and children. She has 3 and waits for her 4th. She has been waiting for two and a half years. 2 and a half years. She has had her daugher's picture that long. She has watched her grow from an infant to a toddler from a distance. She cannot hold her. She cannot comfort her. She cannot bond or transition her into a family. A family. That is what she waits for. Her family. Her daughter that lives half a world away. In an orphanage. There case is unusual and has had many unforseen issues arise so they wait. This precious little girl's siblings wait and cry for her. This child of God's dad gets frustrated that his daughter waits and he cannot protect her from any of this. My friend and her husband have met her. They have held her. They have brought her gifts and started to earn her trust and cooperation. They have given their heart to her for so long. They are hurting and frustrated and I believe firmly in the power of prayer. Please pray for my friend and her family. For their strength, their peace in knowing she is in God's hands until she can be in theirs. Pray for their children who are tired of waiting. Pray for every governmental official and judge involved in this case. Pray for this sweet daughter that has a family waiting for her to come home. Pray for her health, her emotions, her hope. But most of all, pray with me for a miracle. A huge, gigantic, mountain moving, full blown Godly miracle that this baby girl will come home to her family NOW. That they would get a call that fills their hearts to overflowing and shows them just how much God is in this.

My Son

2010-10-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

My Logan's story didn't start out like a mom would plan for her son. The first 3 years of his life had him living in situations he shouldn't be in. Those years held alot of insecurity and fear and violence...things a child shouldn't hear or see or feel. I remember when I first met him how tough he looked...how hard he was trying to appear like this whole entire situation wasn't breaking his heart. I remember after a few days seeing him softening and realizing how much he longed for acceptance and to be loved without condition. It took a long time for him to feel that. It took awhile to crack his tough exterior and for him to allow his defenses to be torn down...to realize that he was safe here and we weren't going anywhere. It was months before we realized that our Logan has one of the best giggles your ears could ever hear. He is a new kid. It amazes me what the love of a family can offer to a child that has none. It is amazing how far love and security and stability and structure can go in shaping the soul of a child. I remember my son's flat look on his face when we met. I remember the hardness and darkness of his eyes. I remember worrying if there was enough love in the world to change that. For the past year and a half we have comforted and we've loved and we didn't leave him through all his testing the limits. We have acted silly and danced and sang and corrected and disciplined and loved some more. We have prayed countless hours. We have held and hugged and wiped and cleaned and this boy, this lovely lovely boy began to trust us. He began to let his guard down and be silly too. He began to freely give affection and flourish. He began to learn again and feel proud of his accomplishments. He began to grow and pray and live. He began to love us and feel God's love for him. Only our God can do that. Only our God can pick two broken children off the streets of our city and place them in our crazy, loud, loving home and make us a family. Only God can heal these children. And although I know our journey is not over, I know our God is with us. I know my son knows that and it brings me so much joy. My friend took this picture of Logan last week at her home while we were visiting. It makes me weep. Thank you, Jen, for this gift. All of these thoughts, these memories.....they are all in this picture for me. Only our God can turn that boy I met a year and a half ago in to this boy now...

2010-10-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

The week since our adoption has been filled with little moments of stability and hope and total unabandoned love and bonding. I didn't realize that it wasn't that all along but something does seem a bit different. I think it's just the fact that I can breathe. The part that is amazing to me is that Perri and Logan seem to get it too...in subtle ways...I've seen a change.

They have both been cuddly and affectionate with us for a very long time but for the past year and a half, Perri has never, not one time, come to me at night in bed and asked to sleep with me. Now for anyone I know with a toddler, that is WAY out of the ordinary and especially for this momma who nightly has to walk her five year old back to bed after our nightly little snuggle. Now, Perri is a good sleeper so I never really thought about it but last week, the night after the adoption, she came to me in the middle of the night and said she wanted to just be with me! I nearly cried. Well come on in, girl! And there she stayed in the crook of my arm till morning. Total peace.

Logan did it last night. We used to lay in bed with them until they fell asleep when they first came to help bond with them and to just allow them to feel safe and secure. Logan used to wake with horrible nightmares and screaming and crying but he doesn't do that anymore. But last night he crawled in with us and settled in to Trevor's arm and then mine and the other little arm was reached out to touch the other one of us as if he just needed to know we both were there. We are. And we're not going anywhere, little man.

So thankful for our forever family. So thankful for God's blessings on us all.

I have an announcement to make!!!!!

2010-10-13T11:44:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the long break....I have a long list of blogs in my head to write since I've been missing in action for so long. Our computer has been down and is being repaired. I rigged up an old computer that I've been meaning to set up for the kids so I'm currently posting this on a monitor the size of one of those little mini cooper cars. BUT, I just had to get on here and post the most important news for you all to hear......the reason why this blog started in the first place.

It is with full hearts that we announce the adoption of Perriana Joy and Logan Gideon into our forever family. Born December 1 2006 and November 24 2005, placed in our hearts and hands May 31 2009, and forever home October 12th 2010!

We are thrilled beyond measure and so very thankful for the amazing support and prayers of our family and friends. Our God has held us through the past year and a half. Our God has provided and encouraged and caught each tear. Our God has created this family and we are so very humbled by this call on our lives. Thank you for going on the journey with us. Thank you for each call, email, text of encouragement....for every meal, gift card, clothes handed down and the countless prayers. Thank you for letting me cry and complain and process this tornado of emotions. You bless me immensely.

Adoption is funny in that along with this immeasurable joy and celebration, their is an element of loss that can't be ignored. Thinking often of MOM and so very thankful for her choice of life. The kids are thrilled and there have been tons of hugs and laughter and talks about what this means....but I can tell that Perri and Logan also understands that this new security and permanency with us means something else entirely with MOM. This journey has been so well worth it and will continue to teach us all for years to come I'm sure.

I am so proud of my husband. So amazed at the way he parents and loves. So thankful for his obedience to our God...no matter how crazy it seems. I am proud of our children....the originals and their willingness to share absolutely everything, including mom and dad....and the new two...
and their ability to move forward, to trust and love and be vulnerable....their resiliency is to be marveled at.

We are so excited for this next part of our journey and to settle in to this wonderful place of stability. I am officially the mother of five. I like the way that sounds!

More to come......

Monday. Not funny.

2010-09-22T11:00:00.001-07:00

I spent the weekend at a Women's Retreat for our church. It was a blessing. Not restful, fun. Not draining, renewing. Lots of food and laughter and deep discussions. Sharing and testimonies and reaching out. Stepping outside my comfort zone, leading, following, talking, listening, ...singing...lots and lots of worship. It was a time of growing and strengthening friendships and starting new ones. A time of conviction to be a better mom and wife. A digging in to the Word of God and a burying myself to the world and reclaiming my life for Him. It was wonderful....

...and then I came home.

Don't get me wrong. I loved it when the kids all came running up to me and barely knocked me over to get a hug with mom. The dog was whimpering and jumping, Trevor was handsome and waiting, the house was clean, laundry caught up. It was good. I spent the afternoon snuggled on the couch with five faces nearby, some nearer than others. We got caught up on each other's weekend. I went to work when the kids went to bed and enjoyed the quiet with my husband that night. Slept peacefully and soundly....

...and then I woke up.

The day seemed to be off to a good start, just the regular chaos that a large family on a Monday brings with it. I was exhausted from late night laughter and sharing and soon discovered there was no caffeine left in the house anywhere. This after a weekend of pop and chocolate and with 7 children sitting around my table. I put out a 911 status on Facebook and to my complete surprise and delight my friend showed up at the door in response with two cherry coke zeros in her hand. Love that girl. Evidently this Monday was a test. I'v told you this before....God thinks He's funny. He like to joke with me. Test me. See how renewed and convicted and reclaimed I really am.

By 11:00 that day, our neighbors had heard some difficult news and I offered to bring dinner for them that evening. One of the children I watch had fallen from the playset and was not able to put any weight on her precious chubby two year old leg. My water got shut off because we (and by we, I mean my husband) had forgotten for several months to pay the bill and by the time we did it didn't post in time. They couldn't turn it back on til Tuesday. So here I am with a house full of children, one whom's leg might be broken and dinner to cook for the neighbors, three kids that need to poop with no running water in the house, and it's time to pick up my morning Kindergarteners. Nice. Hi Monday. Funny God.

My friend happened to drop by and was a witness to all this fun. I go to plan B for the neighbors dinner and throw all the stuff in the crockpot. My friend stays with the crew while I took the suspected broken leg to Kindergarten pick up with me. When I returned it was obvious that the little one needed to have her leg x-rayed so a call to her dad while fixing peanut butter sandwiches and we were back in business. I was asking my friend if this day was really happening and telling her how lucky my husband was that this all happened fresh off a retreat and my "I love Jesus" bank was filled to capacity. As I'm putting grapes on everyones plate grapes are rolling everywhere all over the floor....yep...hole in the bag. My friend is just laughing and I don't think can believe it herself. Meanwhile every child is singing a different song and I have gone to the sink to use it a half a dozen times to the drip drip drip of my turned off water! Funny stuff. Breathe. I love Jesus. I love my husband. I love my life. I love Mondays. Of course, we are almost out of milk and juice since I've been gone all weekend but I managed to get everyone something to drink.....combining the last two juices to make it a full glass.

I actually handle it pretty good. I'm laughing myself. I'm not yelling at my husband. I'm telling him quietly how thrilled I am with the predicament and his role in it. He too is very happy I am just returning from Retreat.

I spend naptime pulling weeds to work out my energy and forgetting I won't have water to wash my hands in or wipe the sweat off my face with. Lovely. When my husband comes home and asks what we are doing for dinner, I calmly reply that I do not know what he and the children are doing for dinner but that I am going thru Wendy's on my way to work. I tell him to use the baby wipes to wipe of all the important parts of the children and I had us lined up for showers at my friends house when I get home. I tell him it's fine. We are blessed. Some families never have running water and we can deal with this for 24 hours....or at least he can. uh hum.

Work is quiet and uneventful. I am cleaning a vet clinic after hours. I am a bit alarmed when I notice for the first time, a 'fecal centrifuge' machine in the lab that seems to be whirring poo at 100 miles a minute and I think.....surely not, God, that wouldn't be Godly, right?

I am able to laugh at it when I lay my head down to sleep and think to myself...tomorrow is a new day. I am so thankful for his Grace each new day....

and then Tuesday morning...

...when my 3 year old wakes, I realize she had been playing beauty shop with her 5 year old sister because half of her long twists all over her head are now only 3/4 of an inch long. The 3 year old whose hair I have been growing out for a year and a half now. The children I left in the care of my very capable ,even thought the water is turned off, husband. Breathe. I love Jesus. I love my children. Just back from Retreat. Funny stuff, God. Good one.

I send the 'hairdresser' upstairs before my Ally McBeal moment of me pulling an Edward Scissors hand on her comes to fruition. I'm thinking that isn't rational or loving and won't get my point across. I decide that I can't even take out the 'victim' or 'clients' twists to see the true damage because the last 24 hours have used up every ounce of patience and 'renewal' I had stored up! That is for another day.

As the day goes on and the water comes on, I am able to really laugh at the timing of these events. I am able to realize that all of these things are minor compared to other struggles people are having. I catch up on the pile of dirty dishes that has accumulated, flush all the toilets in the house again and again. Start the laundry that is sitting and waiting on me, all the baths to be taken and I boil things just because I can. Water anyone?

Thankful tomorrow is a new day!

Just checkin' in.

2010-09-13T18:21:00.001-07:00

Got a call from my dear friend at Safe Families today. MOM had called her and she wanted to let me know. I cannot explain the feeling I get when I hear those words over the phone. The reason both saddens me and brings me peace at the same time. She called to see how the children were...if they were happy and healthy. I felt happy for them that she took an interest. She also called to tell her to tell us thank you. She expressed her gratitude that they were with a loving family and safe and secure. She has fallen on hard times again. She was feeling confident in her choice. This news makes me feel relief a bit....not that she continues to struggle but that the kids aren't with her while she does...Again. Relief that she knows her decision was truly in their best interest and that it was the only one to stop the cycle of generational dysfunction for them. It also brings me a great sadness that is hard to put in words. She was able to hold down a job for the past 9 months for the first time ever. The company closed so she lost her job. She was sick and in the hospital for a bit and her purse was stolen with her cell phone and all of her identification. She lost her apartment. Can't get a job because she has no ID...not even her birth certificate. She is on the streets again. Tonight, P and L would be with her. On the streets. Thank you, Jesus, that they are not. That they are both tucked tightly into their warm beds with their stuffed animals all around them and they are safe. Thank you, Jesus.

My friend at Safe Families helped her to order her Birth Certificate and passed on some ideas for a job. MOM wanted to make sure we were all still praying for her. She is still going to church. The thought that this young lady is out on the streets, that the woman that chose life for my children is sleeping where violence is common and she is alone makes me feel physically sick. The fact that her issues are deeper than I can even begin to fix or comprehend brings me frustration with my limitations. The idea that she gave them to us for a chance at life makes me thankful. The hope I have in the love of Jesus makes me weep. I pray for her nightly. I pray for her tonight face down on the ground. I have prayed for her since the beginning for a friend that she can trust that will take her under her wing and show her how to do life. I'm not sure she is capable of it. I don't know. I am so so sad for her. I feel helpless that I cannot do more. I feel angry at our broken world and that when a child grows up without a family, this is all too often the result and then it starts all over again. I am grateful that she believes in Jesus and will someday have healing in Heaven that she can't seem to find here on Earth.

I do not know why this is the story of two of my children. I do not know why their lives have began with such pain but I do know that they will have an opportunity to use it for His glory and I pray that it is just a small part of their testimony someday. I pray their story will bring others to see the gift of Jesus and how we are all adopted into His family, and how their adoption into ours is just the beginning.

Please pray for MOM.

first day jitters....for mom!

2010-09-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I've been missing in action. Sorry. The past few weeks have been full tilt chaotic craziness around here. Two weeks my husband was gone. Two days after he came home, two of his aunts came to stay for a week and then there is the back to school meetings, sports starting, church responsibilities, starting a new little job and getting the little guy I watch through the school year back ....So, I'm behind. Not to mention the fact that our computer crashed and it is yet to be determined if she will ever work again. I'll get to all of this soon...but let me get to today! Today!!!

Today, my soon to be son, started pre-school. Today, my L walked out of our van with the biggest grin on his face and walked proudly and happily into his new pre-school. It made me a little teary, to be honest. Here was this little guy, that just over a year ago, had to go home with the director of Safe Families because his behavior was so aggressive that she was afraid to place him with anyone else. Here was this little guy that walked into our home with this ultra tough exterior and an overwhelmingly sad look in his eyes....a child whose spirit had obviously been broken...and he was walking out of our van with joy in his heart and confidence in his step. He wasn't fearful or anxious or acting tough. He was a pre-schooler! A ridiculously handsome pre-schooler. Love transforms all things.

I don't know if this is normal or because I know her or if every adoptive mom feels this but I again, thought of MOM...I couldn't believe she was missing this day. I couldn't imagine what she would feel if she could see him now. I wondered if he thought about her today and wished she could see his new backpack or his first day of school clothes. I felt so sad for her. I felt so thankful for him and that God placed him in our family. I felt blessed to witness this transformation that this precious resilient child has made....blessed to love him....blessed to be his momma. So so proud.

Stinky week.

2010-08-25T17:29:00.001-07:00

My children never wet the bed. Never. I must have said that outloud sometime last week and put it out into the universe and then it happened......I think I heard that on Oprah, right?! So it must be true;) Wetting the bed freaks me out. It has something to do with my OCD like tendencies and my strong aversion to the smell of urine. I can smell a wet diaper a mile away.

Anyway, this week my husband's aunties were here visiting. We were all sleeping in different beds, staying up late, having too much fun and by the end of the day we were all exhausted. I don't think the huge slushies Aunt Gwen bought for everyone helped either but one of the kids wet the bed and she is the youngest and only out of pullups a few months so I chalked it up to being too tired and didn't think much of it. Until the second night when she did it again. On the third night two of them wet the bed. Two. This was the slushy night so I couldn't believe it but decided I would wake the two bed wetters and take them to the bathroom before I went to bed at night and have them go potty to prevent accidents. It worked. On those two. The fifth night, yet another child had an accident. I still have been unable to convince her that ''someone mean" didn't ''sneaked'' into her room and dump water on her!

Do you know how much laundry I do with our family of 7 plus two guests anyway? Do you know how much more laundry 6 bed wettings in one week causes? It has caused me to develop a twitch. I feel like my entire house stinks. I can't get it out of my nose. What do you think the home owner's association would say about three mattresses airing out on the front lawn? I'm guessing since they want me to sweep up my grass clippings out of the street that this may be an offense to section 352A.

My first instinct was to go out and buy a Costco size box of pullups and make everyone in the house wear them, just in case but Trevor wasn't cooperating. The good news is that my washing machine can handle a double bed size comforter and all of the sheets that go with it and tomorrow the high is 78 degrees and my windows will be open!

Is withholding liquids for a week too extreme?

Trevor's post!

2010-08-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

This single mother of five thing is waring me out! He'll be home Sunday and we cannot wait to have him home. Wanted to share an update from Trevor with you all:

Imagine feeding someone, being unable to understand or respond to their gibberish, changing their clothes, helping them to walk and changing them when they have an accident. It’s cute if it is a newborn baby or young child, but what if it’s your Dad? Well, in my case it is my Dad. You may know him as Bredda Herman, Pastor Harris, Rev Harris or my dad.

I am spending a couple weeks with Daddy and he is unable to do some of the simple things we take for granted. You see, Daddy has Alzheimer’s disease and has been diagnosed with the disease for a few years. As I am taking care of him this week, it is mind boggling to see him in this state. I think back as a young boy how he was the strongest, fearless, kindest, independent man I knew. To explain, he was a hard worker that grew up farming and doing carpentry. He spent his entire life in ministry and would start churches in crime ridden areas of Kingston. Because of his work in the ministry, he was always serving others in some capacity. Finally, he took seriously his responsibility to take care of his family.

When I was in Jamaica in April of this year, he did not show any signs he recognized me as his son. This time around, when Hazel, my Dad’s caregiver, asked him who I was, he said my name. It felt good. You see, I have not been able to have a meaningful conversation with my father for a while. Our conversations jump around various time periods in his life. I go along for the ride and most times I can make him laugh about some experience.

Anyway, this time with Daddy has been special for me. For one, I appreciate him more now than I ever did. His spiritual leadership of his home has shaped me in the man I am today. For instance, his words and lifestyle mirrored his love for the things of God. Second, his compassion and service to others was evident. Lastly, he treasured and loved my mom like no other.

So, I am enjoying hanging out with Daddy. Whether it is feeding him, bathing him, shaving him or helping him to walk, I am treasuring our time together. In a strange way, I think he is enjoying it too. You know, that prolonged squeeze he gives my hand, or that smile I get when I give him kudos for walking from the bedroom to the dining room, even though he would rather me push him in the wheelchair. At nights, it’s the best because I get to read the Bible to him and pray with him.

I am humbled that I get to serve Daddy in this fashion after all he has done and sacrificed for me and others. Just know, Daddy is having fun hanging with his son and bredren…and I am loving it too.

2010-08-06T04:33:00.000-07:00

You know those moments when it feels like you are doing something right, I had one of those last night. Ava came into bed with me around 2:30 in the morning and said she missed Grandpa. I told her I did too and was so sorry she missed him. She snuggled in tight with me and I hear her start to whisper a prayer for him and for Daddy and Hazel, his caregiver...not prompted, not loud like she wanted me to hear, didn't point it out afterwards, just a sweet prayer to her God. It was so amazing. There are many times in a day that I feel like I don't know how to mother this beautiful little girl, like I have not quite figured out what she needs yet...and God gave me this glimpse into her heart that blessed me. I was so thankful that she sought comfort in her momma and her God.

She then started asking about JoJo and why he doesn't have a daddy and why P and L didn't have a daddy. Such heavy little thoughts for a five year old at 2:30 in the morning. So we layed in bed and talked about Alzheimer's and Grandpa and Daddy. We talked about how some daddy's don't know how to be daddy's and how blessed we are to have the one we do. We talked about how silly and fun JoJo was and how he'll always be our friend. We talked about life. We talked for an hour. Who needs sleep?

She is still sleeping. The dog woke me up:) I hope she cherishes that time someday like I do this morning. I love that girl.

Public transportation...Jamaican style

2010-08-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

Many of you know my husband is from Jamaica. He is in Jamaica caring for his father right now. He was there in April and had written in his journal about a little adventure that we thought we would share with you. I am hoping when he gets back or even before then, I'll share some more. I spoke with him yesterday and he was at the grocery store and it was supposed to be open but no one was there yet. Cracked me up. If you are Jamaican or know any Jamaicans or even if you've been there, you'll find that funny. I was reminded once again that it's just in his blood;) So here is Trevor's adventure in his words...

Public Transportation (Jamaican style)

During my visits to Jamaica, I usually have access to a vehicle. If you are familiar with Kingston, having a car to get around is convenient, not impossible, but convenient. This time around, mi haffi do a likkle business…(I have to take care of some business)

So, I venture out today telling my dad’s caregiver, Hazel, I will be back. “Do you know what bus or “robot” (robot – a private individual who uses his personal vehicle to transport folks, usually along the same route of the public buses. “Don’t get robbed” she warns as I leave the house. Not to worry, this is my old stomping ground.

I walk about a ½ mile to the bus stop with my back pack full of important docs. I have a mean “Don’t _ _ _ _ (mess) with me” look on my face. Hopefully they think twice before doing anything stupid. Today is my lucky day; here comes a robot (a Toyota Corolla). Five of us at the bus stop pile in the car. The 6’ 5” dude, me, is in the middle of the back seat. Surprisingly, the legroom is not too bad. We drive about a ¼ mile and run into stop and go traffic…not to worry, my robot makes an imaginary third lane on this two lane road…just when you think there will be a head on collision with oncoming traffic, the street miraculously widens. God still work miracles. When we run out of the imaginary third lane, he turns off the street and heads in the opposite direction from my destination. No problem, robots know the shortest routes, even if it means going through one of the top 5 crime ridden areas in Kingston. While all this is taking place, the passengers in the car are texting and talking on their cell phones…no problem.

We exit the crime area and I have to “big up” (give props, kudos) to my driver. By going through this short cut, he has eliminated a mile of traffic. I am ahead of schedule making good time. My robot continues to my destination. He cuts in front of other cars and narrowly misses hitting pedestrians who think they will defy physics and win the man vs machine battle. Of course, there are more imaginary lanes created by my robot. But, I get to my destination, Half Way Tree…in one piece…no problem.

Half Way Tree is bustling with people going to work. “Taxi, taxi” drivers are yelling as people walk by. Folks are peddling stuff, candy, peanuts, suck suck (imagine flavored sugar water frozen in a plastic bag), and some are up to no good looking to ruin someone’s day. I board a bus to get to my next destination, Cross Roads. The passengers on the bus are upset. Apparently, the bus has been there awhile waiting to fill every seat. The passengers start to unload to look for alternate means to get to their destination. Finally, the bus takes off, reggae music is blaring through the speakers. I’m smiling inside, it’s good to be home. Not to be out done by the robots, the buses have their version of NASCAR on the way to Cross Roads. Multiple hand gestures from the drivers as they cut off each other. All this time, the aroma of “CO2” from the exhaust fills the air. As I near my stop, I yell to the driver of the bus, “one stop driver”, this is the accepted notification to the driver to stop the bus. Bear in mind, the bus does not come to a complete stop. It slows down as it reaches my destination…I time the speed of the bus, ensure there is solid ground, then I disembark the moving bus….nailed the landing…I still got it…that is how studs exit public transportation….you had to see it…no tripping, no stumbling…smooth like “butta”.

Ok, so I have to walk through another crime ridden area. I hope I’m not sticking out. After all, t-shirt and shorts…nothing flashy. I walk across National Heroes Park, (compare to Monument Circle), to do my business. Don’t get too sentimental or patriotic…the park is a hotspot for robberies. I am aware of my surroundings, no one within 50 yards…that’s my bubble. I worked out this morning, so I can run fast if the need arises. No drama, I conduct my business and then stop at my old high school to take some pictures for the family.

So, time to head home…let’s do this again. I get on a bus and again am serenaded by the blaring music. This time, the bus is playing R&B love songs from the 80s…go figure, it’s 11am. You have to be Jamaican to appreciate the variety. I get off the bus at a convenient spot for me…not an official bus stop. Guess what, time to get a robot to head home. The driver of the robot taking me home is not as industrious as the first guy. Nevertheless, he is no less entertaining. This driver has no change to give to his passengers. So, the entire way home, he stops at every peddler on the way and asks if they have any change. Never mind that he stops traffic behind him every time, the man needs change. Thankfully, I have the exact change. I thank him for the ride, pay my fare and start my walk home.

On the way home, Hazel calls to let me know that my sister has been worried because I am travelling using public transport. Why is she worried? You never forget something you did for 20+ years. In fact, I embraced the experience today…brought back many childhood memories. Yes mi bredrens and sistrens (yes, my brothers and sisters), being home feels good. No problem…everyting “irie”.

Amy Cornwell....fabulous fun!

2010-08-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

This is what creative and crafty looks like.

This is NOT!

I've talked to you all before about my lack of all things crafty. I get great ideas but they never actually come to fruition...(see the ADD blog below). I am not organized enough or handy enough. It is just not my gift. It really is a gift, just not one I possess.

I do have a friend though that has it. She rocks. Amy Cornwell. This chic turns out crafty creative ideas as often as I hand out snacks. Not only is she a Christian working mother of two but she is an amazing artist. She puts so much love into each project and piece! I had her make P and L's biological mom a beautiful necklace that any momma would treasure. I featured it here... http://jahhelpme.blogspot.com/2009/12/not-miracle-i-was-hoping-for.html

Her hand stamped jewelry can be checked out here... http://www.amycornwell.com/store/cart.php

or you can shop her store on etsy here..
http://www.etsy.com/shop/amycornwell .

Her blog is loaded with great ideas for food, family fun, home decor, fashion....you name it, this girl does it. http://amycornwell.blogspot.com/ The best part of all of this is that she is the real deal. I honestly barely knew her when she gave me the most beautiful gift of a scrapbook of some of my first blogs and pictures from when the kids first came to live with us. She even printed off people's comments so I could cherish them forever. How thoughtful is that?! She has an amazing heart and is sweet beyond words.

So I thought you could be inspired by her or at least live vicariously through her craftiness:) This girl is going places. Remember you heard it here first.

What are you waiting for? Check her out!!

Embarrassed? Depends.

2010-07-31T14:45:00.000-07:00

I took my 3 originals on a back to school shopping date today. It was wonderful. They are all so big and it freaks me out. At lunch we talked about what they are most looking forward to this year and dreading. We laughed alot and picked out outfits for each other and folders and the all important backpack for the year.

Funny story of the day:

You know how there are some things that when you buy them, no matter how legal or old you are it is still embarassing...like tampons or family planning needs or even rolaids. Anyway, we are in Wal-mart. I have to do some shopping for supplies for Trevor to take to Jamaica for my father-in-law. The entire day I had been running into people I know. I am on the phone with Trevor perusing the adult diaper section and talking about the benefits of a full brief versus a liner of some sort while Ava is explaining to Noah that Grandpa needs them because his brain doesn't work right and a friend from church walks up. A guy friend. He just walks up smiling and I kind of nervously laugh and explain they are not for me and he throws his hands up and says, "I'm just gonna pretend none of this ever happened." Really funny stuff.

It was a very good day. I am sad to send my kids back to school. I love having them with me. They are really great little people.

Warning! Warning! Patience fading!

2010-07-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

We've all had those moments in life when you have to take the high road. Those moments when you just have to be the bigger person, the more mature, the first to love. Let me just say that in the past few weeks of my life I have had my fair share of these moments. And today.....today I feel like stomping my feet and throwing a two year old tantrum and telling people to shut it up! Maybe it's the lack of sleep from a sick little one last night or just the one after another issues that seem to keep popping up and the stress they bring with it. I'm not sure what it is but I fee like shouting.....Get over it. Life isn't all about you. Life's not fair. There are lots of people struggling and not complaining about it. What's this have to do with you anyway? Who do you think you are? Since when did I become a punching bag?! Seriously?!?! OH NO. YOU. DIN'NT!

BUT that wouldn't be loving now would it?! :)

Ahhh. I feel better already.

2010-07-25T16:20:00.001-07:00

Next court hearing for adoption: October 12th! Seriously?!! ARGGHHHHH.

I could never do it.

2010-07-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

I hear often from people that they couldn't do what I do. I get asked from my friends and strangers alike, how can you give them back? How can you love and care for a child and then give them back? How can you get bonded, attached and then return them? I've asked myself that same question. I've asked my friends that foster how they can do it? It's always been something I never thought I could do. It has been something in the past year and some months that I've realized I can do and this is why.

Because there is a need. Because whether or not it is hard for me or makes me sad or I miss these children and their smiles...whether or not I feel it is the best situation for them or fear for their futures......there is a need. God instructed all of us to care for the 'least of these.' He told us all that we are HIS plan. So there is a need that I can meet and I do it. Not because I am made of something special or different than you. Not because I heard a voice in the night tell me this is my calling. Not because it is easy or normal or painless. But because I can and I should and I will. I do not have or need the answers to what is best for their life. I do not have or need the answers to what their journey will look like or why one child has this life and the other that life. All I know is I am called to serve. I am called to love, to love the unlovable, the ones that won't love me back, the ones that will love you back so much and when you say goodbye it will hurt with every fiber of your being. I am called to trust God.

There are children tonight that need us. Children that will go hungry or homeless if we don't open up our home. There will be chidren tonight that are hurt at the hands of a loved one or a stranger and tomorrow or the next day, they will need us. There are children without parents. There are children that only need us for a week. There are children that will need our love for months on end and then happyily return to their momma. There are children that will need us for a lifetime. There are parents that need our encouragement and support and guidance. There are parents that need us to believe in them. There are children that need us to believe in them with our whole hearts. There are people that need to be shown the love of Jesus and who am I to miss an opportunity to do just that. Am I supposed to say no to these children because it is too hard for me? because it makes me sad? because I love them and will miss them?

I have a warm, loving, secure home. We open our home because we are blessed to have one. I could accumulate wealth. I could accumulate things. I could redecorate or drive fancy cars or take exotic trips. I could lift this here or nip and tuck that there but none of that is going with me. It reminds me of one of my favorite poems....

Some would gather money along the path of life. Some would gather roses, and rest from worldly strife; But, I would gather children from among the thorns of sin, I would seek a golden curl, and a freckled, toothless grin. For money cannot enter in that land of endless day, and roses that are gathered soon will wilt along the way. But, oh, the laughing children, as I cross the sunset sea, and the gates swing wide to heaven I can take them in with me. Unknown

Why wouldn't I do this? How could I not do this?

Safe Families at its finest

2010-07-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

A sweet bloggy-adoptive-mommy-grew up in the same town as me- and with a heart for orphans-friend of mine allowed her children to have a lemonade stand to help raise funds for a fellow adoptive family. At the end of her beautiful blog, that you can catch here http://momentswithlove.blogspot.com, she thanks her contributors for allowing her girls to see "how He can use us even though He doesn't have to." Love it. That little phrase jumped off the screen at me. That is what life is all about. Today I got the perfect opportunity to show my children the same thing. It was Safe Families at its finest.

JoJo was our last placement and stayed with us for just a few weeks this summer. I have kept in touch with his mom mainly via text messaging. Today we took over some clothes and a meal and got to visit with them and see their new home. JoJo screamed my name and ran and jumped in my arms hugging and kissing me. It might have been the single greatest greeting I've ever gotten. His big brother wasn't too far behind wrapping his arms around my waist with a big hug. Their mom just giggled. The kids were all hugging and laughing and ran off to see the boys' new room. I sat and talked with his mom for an hour and she excitedly showed me around the new house. It was great to see them. I got to see the new baby and check on how he's is doing. Their sister is visiting family so we missed her. As I sat their with their mom watching the kids eat popsicles, it struck me that she is becoming my friend, that she trusts me and even likes me. This is how Safe Families is supposed to work. This family will always be a part of ours and it felt so good to know that when they needed someone we were there. We have plans to meet up at church this week.

Everyone is quick to point out how great we are to do this kind of thing but it's selfish in a way....the feeling I got sitting there with mom is a feeling that people would pay millions for if I could bottle it. It feels good to reach out. It feels good to help. It feels amazing to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I felt so incredibly greatful for the opportunity God gives us to "use us even though He doesn't need us." How cool is our God that He has the power to do it all on His own but that we are His plan. And not only does He use us but that He lets us feel that gratitude, that love, that unbelievable feeling you feel when you are doing His work in His name. He is the coolest.

On the way home, I thought about our P & L and wondered why this wasn't their journey, their story....although I really can't imagine it any other way. So thankful they get to be seeing this situation from the other side and are experiencing the joy of sharing your life with others and opening our home to those in need. That moment today, that one hour with JoJo and his family make all of this so worth it. To God be the glory.

Here we go again...

2010-07-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

Late last night I got an email from Safe Families with their urgent needs. One of them was a 4 year old boy for a two week placement. He has the cutest face and a smile is always on it, so it his nickname (Face). This little guy is going to be hard to give back;) He's had a long chaotic day and been through alot lately. He arrived with the clothes on his back. He is the same size as our L so we have plenty. I just have to say how awesome my kids are. I am amazed at their heart for these children. A bed was given up, a special bear shared so he could sleep with it, a piggy back ride given, pajamas picked out that he would be cozy in and a pat on the head with a whispered answer to his fear of, "we don't have monsters here so you don't have to be scared....only Jesus and His angels are here." I love love love my children and the way they show the love of Jesus to these children. God has called all of us to be a protector of the fatherless and I am so thankful that my children get that. God bless this boy and his family.

Double rainbow!

2010-07-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

Ever had those moments where you start to feel a little sorry for yourself, start to think how hard things seem sometimes, how it sometimes feels like you are the only one trying or those moments when being the first to love feels so SO hard. I was in that place on my way home this evening after a really wonderful day so I can't explain why. Just a myriad of trials and struggles that have been swarming for the past few weeks seemed extra heavy and burdensome and as soon as I started to feel it, I saw to my left, the hint of a rainbow. I kind of chuckled to myself and our mighty God as if to say, a chuckle wasn't good enough, turned it up and the rainbow became more radiant and a little longer. Within five minutes it was a complete, from earth to arch to earth, double rainbow. Tears fell and the kids and I talked about the promises of our God and how comforting it is to know He loves us. Tears of total comfort and peace. Tears of thankfulness to a Father who never disappoints or fails us. So we cranked up the Michael W. Smith and sang our hearts out to the Artist and His Work!

2010-07-15T05:04:00.000-07:00

I've always thought of myself as kind of adventurous or spontaneous. I've realized as I get older I have used it as a glamorous way to say I have ADD. If you have spoken with me for longer than five minutes you know this. I am a bit of a free spirit maybe it's because I could rock the gypsie look. I am at home in long skirts and flip flops. God in His infinite wisdom or warped sense of humor has joined this woman with the most unspontaneous man you will ever find. Doing something last minute by the seat of your pants makes my husband twitch. He plans to be spontaneous. Then our all Sovereign God tells me I need five children because we all know how easy it is to be spontaneous with a huge family! I'm starting to think God knows I need somethings to reign me in or who knows where I'd be. Usually this balance between Trevor and I results in funny little heartwarming scenarios. Other times it has me passing out his digits to the single ladies. I kid. It's a good balance.

See, I'm already digressing. Focus. Focus. I will give you an example of my ability or inability to stay on point. I was talking to one of my best friends in Meijer the other day. Trevor and I are standing there talking to her in the pasta aisle and mid sentence I notice the whole grain Mac n Cheese behind her and mention it and pick up my story right where I left off. Isn't that normal?! Who couldv'e possibly NOT noticed the Mac n Cheese. She and my husband teased me about it. Neither of them praised me for my sharp skills of observance!

I frequently will start cleaning the house and if I forget one supply and have to leave the room I am cleaning to get it, I often will find project B waiting for me and have to complete it before I get back to cleaning. It's not unusual to find the vacuum sitting in the family room and me cleaning the glass in the next room that I noticed needed cleaning as I bent over to plug in the vacuum and the horror of the fingerprints gets me offcourse.

My mind is constantly like something you would see in a movie. It is the reason I am so easily overstimulated. (Yes, I realize how funny that sounds coming from the mother of 5) Right now our ceiling fan is whirring and it seems spinning faster than I'm sure a setting would allow. The chatter of my children is loud and their mouths appear to move in slow motion as the whining is heard as well as Tom and Jerry on the television. I hear the dog's breathing and the neighbor mowing the yard. I smell the lavendar I clipped from the yard that is sitting in a vase on the table a room away and I can see every little blade of grass that the kid's feet dragged in from playing outside yesterday that I haven't gotten around to vacuuming up yet. All the while my homemade pedicure is driving me crazy because the little design I attempted is slightly askew. I have issues. It is genetic. I have diagnosed 4 of the 6 of us siblings with ADD. It could be argued that 5 of us have it. And only one of us 'medicates' for it and it is only legally considered 'medication' in 14 states.

You can even see it in my writing. I know it is not grammatically correct the way I write and that these things........that I love......these little dots I can just type out allow space for my random interrupted thoughts to flow. What would I do with normal punctuation? What about this is normal?

These creative genius, raw passion, adventurous, life loving spontaneous qualities have just turned out to be a smidge of mental illness. It isn't worry or stress that keeps me up at night. It is these random thoughts that pop into my mind. I usually have to write them on the paper I keep next to the bed so I can spew them out and get back to the task at hand--Sleep! This entire blog was written that way at 4a.m. with the light of the bathroom seeping underneath the doorway so I wouldn't wake my very non-ADD husband. If you could see the sheet of paper you would laugh. No one in their right mind could follow it. It isn't neatly written from top to bottom left to right. It has little groupings of thoughts at all kinds of angles, some printed some cursive and looks like the ramblings of a mad scientist. Maybe I could rock the Albert Einstein hairdo! No wonder I can't stay organized. So anyway, there you have it. The authentic slightly off center me.

Time to get started with this day. I had something to do. Oh yeh, call a therapist;) Now where can I get one of these suits?

2010-07-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sad and frustrated don't really begin to scratch the surface but those are the words I'll go with for now. Continuance. When we went to sleep last night I told my husband that it was strange that our attorney's office didn't call to say they'll see us tomorrow as they usually do. We got their this morning and report in to the office to let the court know we are there. She gives me this 'I wish I could help you and I am so sorry' look and says that our attorney's office called yesterday afternoon trying to file a continuance. I am at a loss and instantly feel red faced and angry. I breathe and try to stay calm until I find out what is going on. Our attorney walks in and hands me an affidavit filled with legal jargon that few could understand. Walks over to the window and talks about a continuance. I finally ask him what is going on and he says that they have been waiting on me to sign this affidavit and can't publish in the paper for MOM until I do so. I tell him I thought that is what we've been waiting on this entire time since the last hearing and he's says they are waiting on me to sign this affidavit that I am for the first time right now hearing about or seeing!!!!!! Tears just roll and I reassure our attorney that I haven't spoken to his office about this and I would remember because this is the most important thing in my life right now and we even have a celebration planned because we were told today would be the day. Tears flow and I just sit silently while the clerk and he do what they need to do. I can't say anything. I let Trevor talk with our attorney and hear him repeatedly ask if there is anything that we need to do or sign from here on out. If there is anything that we are responsible for. I wish that people would just be able to say, Hey I dropped the ball and I am so sorry but that is not the case. Out attorney is a good good man and I know we are human and errors occur so I am trying, through my tears to forgive this and let it go. I am unable to say anything but to smile and say thank you. Trevor shuts the door to the car and the sobs start. The kind that shake your shoulders and give you an instant headache and a blotchy face. Trev lets me spew my frustration and ugliness I'm feeling and loves me anyway. He just puts his hand on my shoulder and let's me get it out.

I compose myself to pick up the kiddos and as soon as I walk in the door and see my loving and supportive friend I cry in her arms. The kids are asking what is wrong with mommy and I feel like someone may appear at any moment and hand me the mother of the year award for freaking everyone out. I dry up the tears and tell them I'm fine. I tell them it just didn't happen today and that I wish so badly it did. I let them know it will happen and that God has such a huge plan for our family and sometimes it's just not easy for Mommy to wait. On the way home they say they are sorry it didn't happen today but they argue and giggle and act the same way they did before it all and it hits me. We are a family. I know that. God picked us as a family long ago. He told me these children were mine over a year ago and I just need to put my trust in that. I know it will happen. The main reason I need the court to agree is for insurance and doctors and that fear that hangs over me that maybe they won't be mine,and for the rest of the world to see that I am their momma. But my God, reminds me that He's got this. He has made them mine and He will make this happen and it is my job to trust and believe that. I am their Mommy. Not because a court tells me so, but because God has entrusted me with their care, because our God handpicked them for our family. The love I have for them doesn't come from a piece of paper or a man at a desk in a black robe....it comes from the love our Heavenly Father has for me, for them....It comes from the fact that we are all adopted into HIS family. I don't need a judge to tell me that. It is the reason I don't want a picture with the judge and the kids. My God is the one who has created this family. It is HIS image I want us for us when we think of how our journey has been blessed.

So as I still am well aware of the need for the cooperation of our legal system and how important that day will be for us, I have to focus on the good or I will crumble in a ball and cry. This morning when we dropped off the kids at my friends, the husband had gone into work late so he could pray with us. When I came to pick them up she hugged me and let my cry into her shoulder. On our way home we passed several houses that I knew had people inside praying for us. I got texts on my phone of loving thoughts and prayers sent our way. My inbox was filled with prayers and well wishes and my FB page was brimming with encouragement and support. That is what God did. It isn't His fault that today wasn't the day. Human error. It happens. There will be day that our family can celebrate that the legal system recognizes what we have become over the past year and few months, but until then, I will rest in His peace. To God alone be the Glory.

We are completely humbled by the love and goodness our family feels from all of you. You have taught us so much. You are so a part of this journey with us. I will spend the day crying off and on, for that I am sure. It is coming from a place I am having a hard time controlling but I will praise HIM anyhow and it is in my family, my friends, and my God that I will rest my blotchy red face and be comforted. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

2010-07-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

With my first born, I was induced so I knew the day she would come. With the other two, they were scheduled c-sections so I knew the day they would come too. I distinctly remember that feeling the evening before of tomorrow everything will be different. Tomorrow my life changes forever. It will never again be just us. We will never again be defined as this group in this family. Tomorrow we get bigger. Tomorrow there will be siblings and Trevor and I will have to work even harder at keeping our relationship as a focus. I remember those feelings. Tonight feels much the same way. I feel like we should toast to the past year and where it has brought us. I feel like we should thank God for the first three and the way our family was and I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude that it will forever be the seven of us. That no one can ever be taken away from this family. We are a team...forever.

I was asking P and L tonight if they realized what adopted meant? We went over that it means I will be there mommy forever and they won't ever have to live another place or with anyone else, that daddy and brother and sisters will be forever and always and that our family was specially picked by God to be a family. And this little boy who spent the first few weeks here perched upon my head because of Wally our family dog, says..."and Wally will always be my Wally." Yes! Exactly! Always.

This year has stretched us like none other. It has had me thinking I was insane to others thinking I was insane;) It has made me laugh til my cheeks hurt and cry til my face is blotchy and red. It made me reach deeper and love stronger and grip on to the hands of my Father like never before. And it has blessed me. Really really blessed me. Trevor and I are the lucky ones. P and L are a gift to our family. A true gift. When we step out on complete faith and let Him guide our lives, I cannot begin to give voice to the blessings that follow. To God be the glory for the things HE has done.

I cannot wait til tomorrow. I cannot wait to be the mother to two strapping 40something pound toddlers!!! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for the next part of our journey with Him.

Adoption Day?

2010-07-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning at 8:45 am is our final adoption hearing. If it is God's will, P and L will bless our family forever by becoming a legal part of it!!!! I cannot wait to be their Mommy forever!!!! If all goes well we are celebrating on Saturday night from 6:30- 8:30 at our church with a dessert open house Forever Family Celebration!!! If you have prayed for us, followed the blog, dropped off groceries, clothes, gift cards, loved on our kids, loved on our family.....we would love to thank you for going on this journey with us. We are truly blessed!!

Be praying. We will update tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

2010-07-08T16:42:00.001-07:00

I have a sweet friend from church that is in Thailand right now and I would love it if you would pray for she and her husband with me. They have three children here at home, one of them from Thailand as well and they are FINALLY, after almost 2 1/2 years of having her picture, meeting their daughter for the first time. They will be there about 3 weeks and then have to leave her there to return in a few months time to bring her home forever. I cannot imagine what the past few years have been like for them but they handle things with such grace and love and they are FINALLY there!!! They will meet her in just a few hours, this daughter they have loved and thought about and cried for and prayed to hold in their arms. I am absolutely giddy for them. Ellie is this gorgeous tall young momma and her feet right now from traveling, as her sister eloquently put it on facebook, look like the feet that would have belonged to Gilbert Grape's momma. Serioulsy. She posted a picture and it is a bit worrisome and has to hurt and her husband is having some traveling tummy issues already so let's all pray for total health to be restored to this amazing couple. Let's pray for their time with Lily and their children here. Let's pray for God's love to be shown to the people of Thailand through this couple that is a pure joy to know. Prayer works. Let's let them feel it:)

2010-07-06T05:48:00.000-07:00

This year's Fourth of July festivites looked WAY different from last years. Particularly the fireworks. P and L were so scared of them last year that they nearly choked me to death and cried and screamed through them. They sounded like gunshots to them and from the place they'd been living just weeks before, that was a very real threat in their young lives. This year they layed on a blanket with cousins and laughed and pointed. They did eventually work their way onto Daddy's lap. But they were tired, not scared. It is amazing the change a little security can bring. I enjoyed the fireworks watching my children's faces light up underneath their glow and with my oxygen levels normal from no choke hold:) I enjoyed P and L seeking comfort from their Daddy instead of sitting in terror and having no way to cope. Our God amazes me.

Last night I sat and watched the movie Precious by myself. Trevor is at church camp with our two oldest and all the littles were in bed early from a long day. The movie is disturbing. The language is very strong and made me cringe. The acting is superb and the story....real....very real. It happens people. Precious' life happens everyday in America to children. Children. If you haven't seen it and won't, it is the story of a young 16 year old girl who has two children as a conseguence of rape from her father. Her mother is completely abusive to her and beats her spirit down every chance she gets and her body too. But a teacher offers her support and encouragement and it changes her path. It is heartbreaking.

What does this have to do with the observation of P and L on the 4th of July? Well, I just can barely think of where they would be right now if they weren't here. I think often when I see them swimming and smiling of hiking in the woods or hugging their daddy that they would never have done any of this....these opportunities, this love and affection, this safety and security....it just would not be a part of their life. And I think this not to say they have all of this because of us....not at all...but I know that this all God's doing and we were just obedient. We are not great or special or holier than thou...but in this instance, for these kids...we were obedient to God's calling on our life. I am forever thankful for that.

My point is that it is amazing the difference you can make in someone's life when you reach out with the hope of Jesus. When you reach out and love someone that no one else is loving. When you step outside of your comfort zone and invest in the life of someone you may not have otherwise known but for your love of Jesus and His love for them. In the movie, it was a teacher at an alternative school that just believed in her, took an interest, invested her time and her emotions into this girl that the world ignored. The teacher didn't see a statistic or a lost cause, she saw a life she could impact and a girl that had worth and deserved love and respect.

Precious was written by an author and made into a screenplay but God designed our family's story, bringing us two children that would have never known a positive male role model and now they have the best daddy ever with an unquestionable integrity. He brought them an entire family that believes in them and encourages them and loves them and teaches them about Jesus and where our self worth truly lies...not in the fact that we are pretty or can keep a man or the fact that we are strong and tough...but we are worth the price Jesus paid for us. They are with a family that can teach them how much Jesus loves them and love them no matter what. God brought them to us and has grown us and taught us and we are forever blessed because these two amazing children took a chance on all of us. Because despite how broken their lives began, they had the courage to trust again and they reached out to us and impacted our lives.

Life is about relationship. It is about investing in the lives of those around us....the easy to love and the not so easy, the good looking and the not, the rich and the poor....the healthy and the sick. You don't have to adopt or teach or go on a mission trip. Maybe it's your child's friend that just kind of lingers around you a little longer than most seeking the praise of a parent figure. Maybe it's the young mother that comes into the place you work and looks a bit frazzled. What would she do if you say, I don't know how you do it by yourself. Let me bring you a meal this week. What would the world look like if we did that? Maybe it's the child you coach or the older couple that lives next door and would enjoy a little afternoon visit from you and ask them how their children are doing or how they are feeling. All it takes is a simple reaching out. Trust me, your life will be more blessed than those you feel you are 'helping.' It takes very little to invest in the life of another and share God's grace and love with them. It costs us way less than it costs HIM.

2010-07-02T06:46:00.000-07:00

In honor of July 4th, I really do feel thankful for our service men and women and the sacrifices they make for our freedoms. I am mostly thankful to their families that go through so much so their loved ones can serve in the way they do. I do love America. I love that I can say what I don't like about it and not be punished. I love that I have the freedom to praise God in open. I love that I live in a place that is safe and my children have their needs met. I love that we are the first country to give. I am reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan which is amazing. In chapter four he talks about what being a lukewarm christian looks like and his insights are both convicting and worthy of all the "amen brotha's" I keep shouting to the page. I love his military comparison on page 80 and wanted to share it with you. It is so convicting so beware. Let me know what ya think. I always love to hear from you.

"When I was in high schoool, I seriously considered joining the Marines; this was when they first came out with the commercials for 'the few, the proud, the Marines.' What turned me off was that in those advertisements, everyone was always running. Always. And I hate running.

But you know what? I didn't bother to ask if they would modify the rules for me so I could run less, and maybe also do fewer push-ups. That would have been pointless and stupid, and I knew it. Everyone knows that if you sign up for the Marines, you have to do whatever they tell you. They own you.

Somehow this realization does not cross over to our thinking about the Christian life. Jesus didn't say that if you wanted to follow Him you could do it in a lukewarm manner. He said, 'Take up your cross and follow me.'"

Amen brotha!

The snack fairy cometh....

2010-06-30T07:35:00.001-07:00

I have this friend my kids like to refer to as the snack fairy. Since not long after P & L came to stay with us she just started showing up intermittently with Costco size snacks for us. Usually several different kinds and most of the time not opened already by her boys. lol (there was one incident, maybe two...but in a year that is pretty good odds) It is always at the perfect time when I desperately need to go to the grocery. And I have never asked her to bring them and she has never asked what she can do. She just saw the need and filled it. Love that about her!

Anyway, this friend is one of those friends who you wish you could spend more time with, the kind that you really could see every. single. day. and not get tired of. She is witty and smart and faithful and frank and so is her sister and I really just love her and her sister:) She is busy with her life and I am busy with mine and our journeys have been different but because of our faith and how we handle struggle, through prayer and inappropriate laughter, we just are dear friends. I love that she can stop by totally unannounced and see me in my 'cleaning clothes' and love me anyway. In fact, my children were literally climbing the doorways this past stop and she doesn't even act like she notices. Then again, she may not, she does have 3 boys! She will sit at the table or lean on my island and push the dried up cheesestick out of the way and she will pet my smelly dog and laugh with me or hug me or just 'be' in my loud crazy home with me and has a way that makes me feel like it's normal. I love that about her.

I love that she shares her life with me and we can talk about the insanity of our lives or the latest reality television show or the unfortunate choice of cosmetic surgery some starlet has made or our deep to your toes faith in God. She lifts me up. Always. I hope I am that kind of friend to someone. I pray she knows she is that for me. And someday, someday we will have time to sit and talk and talk or road trip and visit without interruptions and no telling what trouble we might get into together....we'll drag her sister along with us whether she likes it or not.

But until then, I relish my little drop bys from her. She is that kind of friend.

The end of the JoJo era....

2010-06-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

JoJo has been here for three weeks tomorrow and he will go home to his Mommy. He is very excited. We are going to miss him but are excited for him. I think some of us are more ready than others....the five year old population doubled in the house and I'm not sure the original five year old is diggin' that. His mother has been loving and kind and called to check on him often. I was able to take he and his siblings to see her in the hospital and meet their new baby brother. She was so nice and appreciative. I try not to judge the situations or put my own quality of life stamp on things. I am happy for him to be with her again. I pray that our 'friendship' continues and we are able to be a support and encouragement to them. In JoJo's nighttime prayers this week he asked that he never forget his new friends or Jen and Trevor. He thanked God for this place. He told God he was excited to go home. Just a perfect little prayer. A special little guy. I'm so glad we got the chance to love him. So, I'm back to only five kids tomorrow. What will I do with all my spare time?! :)

In search of the elusive runner's high....

2010-06-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

Today I ran and finished my first 5K! The runner's high still eludes me but finishing was the goal and finish, I did. My runner's group and I started in the back of the pack mainly because we were talking and didn't really realize they were starting the race. I had the cutest and one of the only cheering sections in the race. My parents met my husband there will all six of the kids and each of them held a sign. "Mom rocks" "Moms da bomb" Even little JoJo held one saying "Jen's the best" The best part was I saw them three times and they boosted everyone around me's spirits too! My oldest was at a sleepover and decided not to come but woke in the middle of the night and told the girl's mom she wanted to be there for her momma this morning. I loved that she made that choice on her own. The sweetest girl! So there were all my babies and my hot husband and my cute parents cheering me on and looking so proud! Love it!

I think this now makes me a runner.

So if you have never ran a 5K and plan to, let me give you some tips that I learned through my run or through my friend's experiences today.....friends that shall remain nameless.

Jen's top ten list of lessons learned at her first 5K

1.)Pin your bib number on your shirt while standing and looking at a mirror. If you try while sitting in the car on the way, you will not be able to see under your boobs or you may poke the pin into your muffin top.
2.)The person speaking over the microphone will call you athletes, it's okay to chuckle.
3.)There will be bagels after your race but there will be no toaster or cream cheese.
4.)If you have had more than one child or are over the age of 30 it is best to use the facilities before the race or it may be more of a 5P (if you know what I'm sayin')
5.)It is okay to use the cups of water to pour over your head like your 7 year old does at soccer. You will look ridiculous but you will feel cooler.
6.)There will be 13 year olds that pass you and the urge to trip them on mile 2 will come but you must fight it.
7.)There will be women with make up on. Again, no tripping.
8.)Strangers will become your friends and cheer you on and it will help immensely.
9.)If you are the biggest in your group, do not stand by the smallest in your group while taking pictures. just saying.
10.)Set a goal. Mine was to not walk at all. Maybe it's a time but set a goal and have fun!!! Okay, it won't be fun but you will feel good that you did it!

Having some friends to do this with has made all the difference for me. They held me accountable and made it fun and were so encouraging and motivating!

In my spirit of authenticity....
The official results are in. Turns out I am not a runner, I am evidently a jogger.
My time was 36:25. The average time was 32:28. There were 980 runners and I places 710th. (insert stifled laughter here) I had a friend that has been running for years and is about 50 pounds lighter and she ran it in 24:09!!!! But, the devil of comparison will not get my chunky jogging butt down! I've only been running, well jogging, for 8 weeks and I beat 270 people today and that is the way I will look at it:) It took my kids a bit to understand that I wasn't trying to win that I was just trying to finish the race and survive. As they were walking to the car my son turns to me and says "Mom there are still people running. You did great!" I wonder if he gets that those people still running on the walk to the car....they are the ones that are motivating...they won so much today. How cool is that?!

~Signed,
The jogger.

2010-06-19T17:53:00.001-07:00

When I was in the card section today it hit me how many card selections there were that spoke of 'you're like a father to me' or similar sayings. I think it is a telling tale of the time we live in and it makes me that much more greatful for my husband and my dad. It makes me that much more greatful for my heavenly Father. I have always loved to watch my husband with our children, from the first one that first time to each goodnight kiss. The gentleness he shows makes him so strong. The way he laughs with them or encourages them or guides them and loves them is a sight to behold. But, then I saw him love someone else's children....long before they were ours. Then I saw him welcome others into our home and love them and encourage them and guide them and laugh with them and it literally takes my breath away. I have been blessed. He was blessed with his father as an amazing example. My daddy showed me what a real man looked like and I am forever greatful that they all love our Heavenly Father. It is why they are who they are. It is why they are the best group of men I know. I don't think you realize how much a father means in your life until you see someone without one or with one that was hurtful or didn't get the magnitude of what Daddy means. I watch as these kids that have never have a daddy long to sit in Trevor's lap, run to the door when he comes home and wrestle and climb and high five. I watch as this man God sent me opens his arms wide, loves with a deep sincerity, and leads our family with grace. He is humble and God seeking and the man looks fine;) The best decision I ever made, the single greatest choice I ever made was to choose this man as the one who would be the father to my children. He is simply the best. Happy Father's Day Trevor.....from all of us!!

Beware the bunkbed!

2010-06-14T12:28:00.001-07:00

Today at the pool, a little boy about the age of 7 comes up to me and asks, "Did you bring a school?" It was hilarious. I just laughed and said no, they're all mine and one friend. Just expanded his little world:) He'd really freak if he heard the latest!

We are getting a visitor for the weekend. Just a short placement. I think she will come on Thursday and leave on Sunday evening. JoJo's sister will be staying with us for a few days until her next placement is ready for her. What?! It's his sister!!! And we have bunkbeds:) I would keep her for the entire time except our van isn't big enough for me and the kids. I really need an 8 seater;( So, if you don't see me out and about, you know why. If you see any contest for a conversion van or suburban, sign me up!! We'll be having dance parties at home for a few days and swimming in the little blow up pool and dancing in the rain. That's how we roll. I am excited for him to see her. He talks about her a lot. Grace is happy to get someone over 3 ft. tall. I think she is 8 or 9. The coolest thing is that I lined up her next placement with a dear friend and she will come here when the parents are working and can see her brother. This little girl already has a relationship with this Safe Familiy mom because she was her school counselor at one point. So cool to see God at work in this family's life and to see the body of Christ reaching out to them.

A runner's tale.

2010-06-14T04:14:00.000-07:00

Week eight of the Couch to 5K running program and all is well. I told myself if I stuck with it for six weeks I would allow myself new real running shoes. I got them this weekend. I ran with them for the first time last night and with my new very cute running shirt. I looked the part. It was the first time in this running adventure that I felt like a runner instead of a poser. I pictured myself like this photo with the beautiful stormy sky in the backdrop and my hair blowing in the wind. Yes I know my hair is only about 3 inches long but just go with me here. I didn't look like this. All that visualizing yourself is half of it stuff is garbage. I was brought back down to earth swiftly.

I didn't start my run until about 9:45 at night because of storms moving through the area. I went with my two dear friends that have me beat by at least 20, probably 30 pounds and that are always at the front of our running group while I bring up the rear. I was thinking, like I'm sure you would have been too, that I would be faster this night. I had my new shoes on, isn't that what you've been told your entire life and have chanted as a child since the new tennis shoes come home from the store. All of my children told me I would be faster. That is the last time I trust those little people. Plus I looked half way cute in my little running outfit. Had to be a great run!

I nearly died. It was only about four steps into the run that I realized my new shoes were making me run differently and I'm sure properly but that meant my legs were using muscles that they hadn't been using for the past seven weeks and for the first time my entire legs were crying out to me to stop from shin to hips. About a mile in ****TMI alert*** my body decides it needs to function in a way you don't want it to function on a 3 mile run. To add to my predicament, my very cute top was great for cuteness but not so great for breathability and although the evening was kind of cool, the humidity was not and I soon began to feel like I was going to have heat stroke and no one would know it because my skinny and way faster running partners were about a 1/4 mile ahead of me and it was too dark to see me if I hit the pavement. So the darkness of the night and the instinct for survival had me peeling my cute new shirt off and gasping for air. Instant relief. I started back up my tortoise pace and a glare from a passing car nearly blinded me as it hit my pastey white stomach that hasn't seen the light of day for a decade. I could just see the headlines.....chubby very white runner causes accident on Hazel Dell road in Hamilton County. So on went the cute shirt which has now turned ugly in my mind. I had to walk a few paces four different times and nature reminded me that I am still a poser. Fancy shoes or not.

I did survive though. It wasn't pretty but I survived. I finished a few minutes after my friends and they were telling me how great I did and that my hair looked cute even though it was soaking wet and sticking to my head with my bangs pulled back in a bobby pin. (dont' hate) I felt good that I had done it. Felt good that instead of a Dairy Queen run I was meeting these awesome women for a run and I felt even better that cute or not, runner or not, skinny or not, God has surrounded me with amazing friendships in my life and we sat in the parking lot and laughed about my body trying to function and encouraged one another in how far we've come in just a few short weeks and I felt a great sense of gratitude that I had lived to tell the tale.

You're just gonna feel a pinch.

2010-06-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I started the day with a run. It was so humid that it just sucked the energy right out of me. Seriously felt like I was breathing in air with concrete mixed in. When I got home I layed on the family room floor and started to drift off to sleep, in the middle of the chaos that is our life. As my thoughts began to get hazy I hear a little voice say, “we are going to have to cut off all her body parts. I’m so sorry, mam.” I peeked an eye open to see ‘Dr. Rubens and Dr. Gellen’ with their ‘scalpels’ in hand. One fashioned from a pick up stick and one a stylus from a Nintendo DS. These two beautiful little girls ages 3 and 5 proceeded to ‘cut’ each of my fingers off, followed by my arms and legs. Before I knew it, my running shoes and socks were being peeled off of me and off went the toes and the feet at the ankles. Just I thought I should maybe check into counseling for the giggles that were coming from these children as they dismembered their mother, I hear Dr. Gellen, the leader of the operation, say “next is her head.” My fears of therapy bills were soon diminished as the sweetest little kiss was planted on my nose before the pick up stick turned scalpel sliced my neck and and my head was pulled off by four little hands. I layed there still the entire time. Completely exhausted and oddly relaxed in the middle of my bizarre surgery……until the DS stylus was inserted into my nostril ‘by accident’ and my sinuses were nearly pierced. Time to get up and get going before someone loses an eye.

All is well. Really.

2010-06-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

Day three with our new placement and all is well. This little guy is a total sweetie and is fitting in great. He is all boy and has lots of questions and stays very busy but listens to instructions and is so friendly and funny. It is way different going from 3 to 5 than 5 to 6. This seems easy:) I think the main difference is that I know this little guy will be going back to his momma and that she is doing what she needs to do to learn how to be the best mom she can be. She seemed very nice on the phone and was appreciative and kind. I already love this little guy and so do the kiddos. The best thing since he has stayed has been that he was crying himself to sleep at night at his prior placements but since he’s been with us hasn’t! I am so glad he feels comfortable……or maybe we’ve just worn him out and he doesn’t have any energy left!!

He has a great smile and offers it willingly to anyone passing by with a big hello. At dinner the first night he offered to pray and said a great prayer thanking God for our day, “something and everything” and it was so cute. When we all went to pray at night he immediately closed his eyes and bowed his little head. I still remember it taking weeks to teach P and L the nighttime prayer routine!

He’s a good eater just like the rest of them. Yesterday we went through an entire pack of poptarts, a few eggs, a few pancakes, four bowls of cereal, a container or cottage cheese and lots of milk and juice, eight pb&j sandwiches, two pounds of strawberries, an entire box of cheez it crackers, a 3 pound meatloaf, two boxes of family size mashed potatoes, a gallon of green tea and one and a half bags of family size broccoli! Throw in six popsicles and a gallon or more of water and I think we’re close to the daily consumption around here! Don’t even get me started on sunscreen and toilet paper How do the Dugger’s do it? Oh yeh, they are making the big bucks with that little show they have.

It’s funny, I do think I understand their slightly warped way of thinking. When you have five you begin to think, what’s one more? I am quite sure that I will not think that after six (don’t worry honey, I promise:)God made this transition happen with this momma’s one vice…the internet… broken down. Very funny, God.

The fact is that we have love to offer a child that needs it. We have support and encouragement to offer a mom that needs an example of family in her life. We don’t have the fancy. We don’t have the stuff. We never will. We have more than that. When you can let that all go….and sit on your slipcovered twenty year old couch and watch your 13 year old television in your family room that badly needs carpet…..when you can let that all go….it is so amazingly freeing. I know our priorities don’t look like most. I know our priorities don’t look like the worlds. We chose that. We chose this full of love and full of children home over the full of stuff life. I am so glad we did. That is not to say you can’t have both. Many do. It just hasn’t happened like that for us. And the day I welcomed contentment was the day I felt free.

In the past few days we have been to the pool and to visit friends and cut up our apple tree that didn’t survive the storm. We have weeded the garden and played on the swingset and watched movies and played wii. We have brushed many little teeth and given lots of baths (too bad the pool doesn’t count for that) and wiped lots of faces and broken up a few arguments and one little almost turned physical brouhaha. We have cooked and cleaned and made a pretty smooth transition. I will say that the support, prayers and encouragement from others is so great. I know we couldn’t do this if we didn’t have that.

One of the best things this has provided us so far, is a look into how far Logan has come. This little one reminds me so much of my little Logan walking through the door with the same insecurities and defenses and the inclination to melt down at the slightest inkling that things may not go exactly your way. Wow! What a difference a year makes.

(Since my writing this...a friend showed up at our door unannounced with a boatload of groceries. She has five children of her own. This is what I mean when I say how blessed we are and how I couldn't do this without that. I love it when the body of Christ shows up.)

Crazy?

2010-06-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes God calls us to crazy. I know that now. I am in this world but not of this world. I claim God's world view and to many people that often makes me appear a bit, well....off.

Tomorrow we will be welcoming a five year old boy into our home for a short (2-3 week) placement with Safe families. I can't say alot because of confidentiality but his momma is about to have a baby and they don't have the support they need. It's funny but I first heard about this family a few months ago and it seems that God has been trying to put this family in our path for sometime. I am hoping it is an opportunity to show the love of Jesus to this family and to build trust and establish a relationship that will continue forever. I am hoping that we can become the family they need to support and encourage them. We all need that. Everyone deserves that and God intends for us to be in relationship with one another.

I got the call this evening around 7:40. Talked to Trevor and asked him what he thought and he said he was fine with it but I would be the person around the most and it was up to me if I thought I could handle it. I went for my run at 8:00 and prayed about it and it made me keep getting slower, my talking with God. I still wasn't sure but just felt like who am I to tell God that this would be hard. Wasn't it hard for him to have nails in HIS hands? To die for me? To forgive me for all my failures and messups and who am I to tell Him no. Who am I to tell this mom no. I have the room. I have the love but no. It'll put a cramp in my style. We'll have to take two cars everywhere. How will I take six kids to the pool or the zoo or the movie? How could I tell this child no. I couldn't. I won't. "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." Matthew 18:5

So, welcome little man. I called Safe Families back at 9. We will be happy to love on you and encourage you and we hope to be able to build a relationship with your family so that we can continue to show you all the love of our Jesus. I cannot wait to meet you tomorrow and learn who you are.

Sometimes God calls us to crazy. Crazy looks good on me.

In HIS time

2010-06-07T13:32:00.001-07:00

So today was not the day. I think God knew Ava needs her birthday to herself!:)It's a bummer but I am hopeful and feel God's peace in all of this. It was disappointing and I cried and layed on the couch for a power nap while Trevor picked up the kids from our friends. I had my moment of self pity and have moved on. I think it's just frustrating to me that MOM is still in control. But it's not about her or us....it's about P and L and they are good. They are very very good.

When the summons for court was served to her she would not answer the door so they taped it to her door. Then they sent her a copy in the mail as well and she wrote undeliverable on it and sent it back. I think she knows the system well. The judge wants to protect the court and us and have us put notice in the paper for the next court hearing. He was very kind and told us if she doesn't show on the 13th of July that he will be signing the adoption decree that day and we don't even need to come if we don't want to. So it looks like we'll set our sights on the 13th of July.

God has had us in the palm of HIS hand in each moment of the past year and I felt HIS presence with us today and was encouraged by HIS words that you all reminded me of. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. We are completely confident in the plans God has for our family and in HIS perfect timing. What a celebration it will be! Now, I've got a new five year old to celebrate and we are trying out her very own new makeup!

This is it!

2010-06-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

Okay ya'll, tomorrow at 2:00 is our adoption hearing. If you are a prayer warrior, fall flat on your face and plead on our behalf. If you are not a praying person, what better time to start?! :)

Our attorney is hopeful that it will be quick and over with with. I am nervous that MOM will come and I will nervously puke in the courtroom. But most of all, I am anxious to leave there knowing that P and L will forever and always be ours and I am looking forward to hugging and kissing them with abandon and tucking them in officially as their mommma. I am awaiting the feeling of freedom that not worrying about losing them will hold. I am excited to feel lighter. I am hopeful that the legal system will match our hearts definition of what our family is. I am hopeful that I will finally be the mother of five!

This is what this whole thing has brought us too. This is the culmination of a year of having my heart in two little people's bodies walking around outside of me. This past year is what happens when you tell God to break your heart for what breaks his, to open your eyes so you can see it and to use you. This past year has been the most difficult and most wonderful of my life. It is amazing to be in the center of God's will for your life. I highly recommend it.

2:00 tomorrow. Praying. To be continued.....

2010-06-03T12:27:00.001-07:00

My sweet Ava will turn 5 on Monday...the same day as the adoption hearing. I don't want her to get lost in the shuffle so wanted to celebrate her with a posting of her own!

Since the child was born she has been SPUNKY! You've heard of the spirited child, right? Well times that by about ten and you have my Ava. She is full of life. She is one of a kind and knows exactly what she wants and how she wants it. We joke that her determination and fiestiness will either make her the first female president or an inmate! She can do absolutely anything she sets her mind too. She is breathtakingly beautiful and has a heart for people who are hurting. She often will cry for her grandpa in Jamaica that she misses or for an area that has expereienced some kind of natural disaster or struggle. She prays for her grandpa and his caregivers every single day and often for children who have less than she has.

The past year she has had the biggest adjustment of not being the baby anymore and having to share mommma's lap with not one, but two other little ones and she has done a fabulous job of it. Not to say she hasn't had her "I am Ava hear me roar" moments but she has been a trooper.

She is intensely shy at times but wants to branch out. I'm sure that is something we'll see as she starts school in the fall. She loves to wear dresses and makeup but will hold a frog and wrestle a boy to the ground in an instant. She laughs easily and dances to the beat of her own drum and I am so thankful for her heart and her SPUNK. She is a true joy!

My Ava doesn't know how beautiful she is and doesn't know how funny she is and she has no real idea of how smart or athletic she is. She is just now starting to discover how much Jesus loves her and it is my prayer that she will feel that to the core of her soul. Happy Birthday Ava! Five is going to rock. Kindergarten here we come!

One year!

2010-05-28T06:34:00.001-07:00

Monday marks one year. One year ago that a scared, angry little three year old boy walked through our door and pierced my heart forever. One year ago that a smiling, looking for approval little two year bounced into my arms and right into my heart. One year ago.

(this is where they spent much of the first two weeks completely terrified of Wally)

I looked back on my entry from then and laughed at my naivety. I thought it might be a few weeks until we were a forever family...a few months tops. All in God's time. For one year I have loved these children as if they were my own. They have called me Mommy and I call them my children. For one year now, I have never really been sure if they would legally become mine. On June 7th, it is my prayer that they will. One year later. Some people try for years to become pregnant and have a child. Some people wait years trying to adopt. We are blessed.

I would not change a day of the past year. I have learned so much from them. I have tried to gather the intricacies of this experience and soak out the fruit from them. I have tried to trust God and love big and be selfless and praise Him in the anyhows. Somedays I have failed. Somedays I believe I have honored God and somedays we have just survived. I have tried to be Jesus with skin on to their first mom....even though she is not able to trust or believe or do. I have tried. At times in the past year, I have hoped for a fairy tale ending when she comes back fully healthy and able to love them so that they don't hurt for her like they do. At times I have selfishly wanted to never hear from her again so that these two children I have fallen hopelessly in love with will be ours. And everyday. Every. Single.Day. I have realized they are neither of ours. They our God's children and He has entrusted them to us. He has trusted me with their hopes and hearts and it is not something I will ever take lightly.

I cannot believe how much they have changed.

L has become an inquisitive child that laughs openly and often and is affectionate and determined. He has worked hard to catch up on some developmental delays and will start pre-school in the Fall.

P has quit climbing into every ones laps and realizes I am her mommy and there is no need to attach to everyone we see! She is super smart and sassy and makes us laugh all the time. She is sensitive like her brother and they both want to please. They have taken this family by storm. They have given of themselves and let us in and they have worked so hard to trust us. I am forever grateful for their resiliency and fight. I cannot remember what life was like before them and I cannot wait until the fear of finding out is a distant memory.

I am beyond proud of the originals, of their heart for the fatherless. Once a week one of them asks if we can adopt more. I believe fully that God called our entire family to this and our three have answered with a resounding yes.

It's a different thing, this loving someone elses child. It's been a bit of a tightrope act at times and a roller coaster of emotions. But it is exactly what God has asked us to do and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else. I cannot wait until this feeling of being up in the air is behind us and the legal definition of our family matches what has been in our hearts for one year.

My heart is full. Full with five beautiful babies. Full of God's grace and mercy. Full of His abundant blessings upon our family. Full of a father that leads this home and shows our children daily what a daddy looks like. Full of friends and family that have opened their hearts and homes to these two children alongside us and offered us every support imaginable. Full of thanks.

One year ago. One year ago my life changed forever. Thank you, God.

It's the little things...

2010-05-28T06:09:00.000-07:00

I am hearing that alot lately; It's the little things. And it's true. Many many times it is the little things. And sometimes, just sometimes, it is the big things. The very generous, blow-you-out-your-mind kind of big things. The kind of blessing that makes you feel completely humbled and speechless and so very very thankful. Here it is. The finished gift from Aunt Ally and Uncle Ted for our family. There aren't enough thank yous.

Do you know how many hours this crew will log on this thing?

I'm getting creative.

2010-05-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

Runner, writer, artist? Okay that last one will never happen. I am not crafty. I enjoy crafty people. I like crafty projects that others assemble all the parts too and have written instrusctions for but I am not crafty. I am not organized or focused enough to be. I am too easily distracted by the random come-upings of life.

But a fellow blogger did the coolest project awhile back that I just may have to do. You can see hers here: http://tatertotsandjello.blogspot.com/2009/09/mod-podge-mania-family-rules-canvas.html and another here: http://www.facebook.com/l/ef08c;amycornwell.blogspot.com/2010/03/create-cornwell-family-rules-canvas.html and here: http://www.facebook.com/l/ef08c;amycornwell.blogspot.com/2010/03/siebert-friends-family-rules-canvas.html (sorry I can't get the links to work so you'll have to copy and paste)

Don't you love it!! These are totally crafty people and I may be biting off more than I can chew. I've been thinking about my rules, our rules. I came up with two lists. One I will really hang in my house and one for those days where you feel like the minutes have doubled in a day and it will never end. Heres' the fake list:

Don't pick your nose. It's gross.
Bodily functions are not dinner conversation.
No whining. No tattling. No screaming.
Unless it's bleeding, I don't want to hear about it.
A choke hold does not count as a hug.
You are only allowed five questions a day. Make 'em count!
No musical instruments before 7a.m. Your voice counts as an instrument.
No tooting in my bed.
Bored just means you're not being creative enough to find something to do.

Wouldn't that look great on a canvas?! LOL I am excited to go pick out my paper and canvas and see how this turns out. What is wrong with me? Running, crafting?
Anyway, this is a work in progress but here is a rough draft of the real set of rules. I'll post pics when I'm done. Which depending on how much life throws at me could be a week or a month from now.

Put God first.
Encourage with your words.
Hands are not for hurting. They are for holding and helping.
Serve others.
Laugh alot. Sing silly songs. Dance like crazy. Dream big.
Give second chances. Forgive.
Flush. Wash your hands.
Love one another big time.
Celebrate in each other's joys.
Be honest. Always.
Be thankful, be generous. Pray.

What are your rules?

I'm a runner...

2010-05-12T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'm a runner. Well, okay that might be a stretch. I am on week three of the Couch to 5K running program. (http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml) It takes a non-runner in eight weeks ready for a 3 mile run. A group of friends are all doing it together so the accountability is great as is the motivation to be as skinny as that group running in front of me:)

I should start by saying that I hate all things running. I get hot. I don't like sweating. It hurts. I'm chubby and could start a fire with my thighs. The first week I did well but I felt like my stomach was actually clapping for me and my butt kept running into me everytime I stopped....but other than that it was okay. Second week was good. Some shin splints and my face stays bright red for about three hours after my run. My internal body temp must take forever to cool down and it's not even Summer yet. And at the beginning of the third week something crazy has happened. I have only lost three pounds but my clothes are fitting differently, things are jiggling less and at the end of a loud stressful day I actually am ready for my run. I know, I know, insane. There must be something about the unrythmic sound of my novice running form, the gasps for air and the feel of sweat running down my back that I actually find calming.

I'm sticking it out....at least for the eight weeks. So,much like I call myself a writer in my own head (afterall, I blog!) I have taken to calling myself a runner.
Run like the wind.

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

P & L's MOM called Safe Families this week to see if they had seen or heard from the kids and how they were. She asked for pictures and talked alot about an attorney that she says she's getting for the hearing in June. Our old caseworker seems to think it's just talk and she won't show but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a bit unnerving. I emailed her some pics. Made sure they were of L before his haircut:) I told her we hoped she was doing well and would be praying for her on Mother's Day and thanking God for the role she had in the kid's lives. I'm sure it will be a hard day for her. She doesn't have a mother to celebrate and she no longer has children to celebrate with her. I am not surprised we heard from her now. The timing kind of fits her M.O.

This Mother's Day is different from the rest for me. I always think of my own mother, whom if you've read any of my blog at all you know was the best. I always think of my beautiful and selfless mother-in-law whom I will only know in Heaven. She has been home with Jesus now for almost fifteen years and was by all accounts an angel on this earth. I always think of her and how thankful I am for the man she made my husband into. I always feel thankful to my children for making me a mamma. But this year, I am thinking about another mother who I think this world failed. A mother that lost her children because she was never shown what it takes to be one. It makes me think of all the countless mothers throughout the world that don't have enough money or resources to care for their children...of the mothers that are sick or dying and of the mothers that just don't get the full responsibility that being a mother calls one to. I think of the women I know that long to be a mom and for whatever reason have not been able to. I think of the new moms and the moms that never thought they would be one and how special this day will be for them. I don't take this thing lately, this motherhood. God entrusted His children to me. He handpicked these five precious souls for me to guide and I take nothing more seriously. I am thankful and humbled.

To all my fellow mommas out there I say, Happy Mother's Day! May your load be lighter and you feel appreciated.

And to the biological MOM of P & L, I pray you are flourishing and getting your life together so that someday when my children want to meet you and know you, that you will be a whole healthy individual that they can feel proud to know. I pray God's peace on your life and healing in your heart. I pray you are able to trust someone that is worthy of trust and you learn what love can be. Thank You for choosing life for P & L because I cannot imagine mine without them.

unremarkable

2010-05-06T10:41:00.001-07:00

Things are going well in our household. I haven't blogged about P and L lately because there hasn't been anything remarkable. But then I was thinking today about how remarkable that is. There is nothing out of the ordinary. No intense struggle going on with them. No emotional outbursts. No acting out of frustrations with their feelings. We have settled into a normalcy around here. I'm sure it doesn't look normal to anyone else but it's normal for us:) They climb, like the rest of our children, into my lap every morning. They climb up my leg throughout the day for a squeeze and a quick 'I love you.' They want my comfort and to please and they are loving and trusting and all feels right with our little world.

It's almost been a year now and this family has found our way, I think. Trevor and I are learning what it takes to parent five children and to keep our relationship above water. To be honest, we swallowed alot of it before we got it right. The children are figuring out how to be a team and to love one another without fear or insecurity. This momma is finding her sanity in support of friends and family and trying hard to take care of herself. This momma is in awe of our God. and so. very. thankful.

for the normalcy.
for the unremarkable.

41 years

2010-05-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

My parents have been married for 41 years today. They have survived six children, miscarriages, death of a parent, job loss, cancer twice, many many moves, being in the service, financial issues, parenting issues, being caregivers to terminally ill in-laws, older children moving back in and then back out. They made it through all those big life changing milestones that you hear tears some marriages apart. But the main thing they made it through is the everyday. The everyday madness that raising a family with six kids is. They went to ballgames and plays and lost jobs and got jobs and watched their teenagers go crazy right before their eyes. They changed diapers and stayed up all night with sick kids and took turns rocking and singing. They worried and trusted and disciplined and joked and they loved each other through it all. I don't mean they have made it and are still together for the sake of being together. I mean that they have chosen everyday for 41 years to love. To love when they were too tired or felt crummy or were irritated or angry. To love when they had toddlers hanging off their legs and laundry that needed done. To love when there was no money and the car was broken and six little faces were looking up at them. They chose to love and they taught us to love and for that I am eternally grateful.

They have celebrated first steps and first communions and baptisms and birthdays and marriages and grandbabies and career successes and first baskets and first goals and first teeth lost and proms and theater productions and life. They have taught us unity and loyalty and laughter and love. They have taught us Jesus. They have taught us family. They have taught us to love those around us...ALL of those around us.

Growing up I never saw them fight. Not once. I saw them disagree, sure. They taught me it's okay to not see eye to eye all the time and you compromise and work at it and love anyway. I saw my dad walk up behind my momma cooking dinner and give her that behind the back hug. I watched him playfully pat her on the butt or dance with her in the middle of the kitchen just because he wanted too. I saw him being fully present in his children's lives and not leave it all to my mom. I watched my mom look at my dad when he was acting silly like he was the single greatest thing on earth. I watched my mom support him in his decisions and encourage and lift him up. I watched my mom not try to change him but love him as he is. I watched my momma hold his hand on his way into surgery for cancer. I saw my parents pray together and laugh together and dance together. I saw them kiss and hug and serve others. I saw them lead our family in the love of Christ and it is the single greatest gift I've ever been given.

They were the example to me, to my friends, to their friends. I am sure it hasn't always been easy to write that love letter I've seen them give to each other or to smile and joke your way through something difficult but that is what makes me so proud of them. I know it hasn't been easy. I know they chose love. I know they chose to honor God through their marriage. They honored their family and created a legacy for me to pass onto my own children. They did that. It makes me the richest woman in the world. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My better half.

2010-04-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get asked, "How do you do it all?" The truth is I don't. At any given point in the day I am behind on something. The catch is to not get behind on everything at the same time. And prioritize. Sometimes a kid goes to bed without a bath or we forget to read our library books or two days worth of laundry is piled up to the rafters. Sometimes our lawn needs mowed (looking out at it now)or dinner is ramen noodles and my trim in my house has needed painted since the day we moved in almost five years ago. But the basics are done. The kids are loved and cared for. Our family is happy. That is my priority.

The other answer to how I do it is: #1 God....trusting in Him, depending on Him and using His strength instead of my own.
#2 My husband. He is how I do it.

Back in my high school days I spent alot of my time dating boys that needed saving. My mom, in her wisdom, gave me some of the best advice then. Advice I believe saved my life(a story for another day) She told me that just because I can deal with a guy's faults or personality doesn't mean my children can and that when I was choosing my 'boyfriend' I should pick a man that would make a good father. It took me years to actually take the advice but then one day I realized that 'my type' wasn't working for me. And then I met Trevor. I would like to say it was love at first sight. It wasn't. But the very first time I met him, I went to sleep that night knowing that he would always be my friend and that he has.

I can do all of this because my husband is the kind of man that does the dishes and gives baths and does laundry and never complains about any of it and looks cute doing it. He is the kind of man that leads our family with his faith and trust in God. He makes me a laugh.....usually when he doesn't mean to which makes it even better. He's the kind of funny that doesn't realize he's being funny. He is the kind of man that when he goes to see his ailing father he doesn't sit quietly by but he feeds him and bathes him and holds his hand and reads to him. He is 6 feet five inches and as gentle as they come. He is the kind of man that has worked to build a life for himself and his family coming from a third world country to the U.S. where he didn't know a soul. He is the kind of man that has several children (that aren't ours) at church or on the soccer field run up and hug him because he has touched their life in some way as a teacher or coach. He is the kind of man that will take two children who's dad neglected to ever know them and call them his children and love them as such. He is the kind of manager at work that asks about his employee's lives and truly cares about them.

He is the kind of dad that my dad is. The kind of dad my mother told me to look for. He is the kind of dad that sits and does homework or wrestles around on the ground with them. He makes a great jungle gym and cheerleader rooting them on. He is the kind of dad that makes them laugh and disciplines with seriousness and gentleness and patience. He is the kind of dad that they miss when he is gone one night from dinner.

Sure, Trevor can't seem to find the hamper in our bedroom. It appears he thinks it is two feet to the left of where it actually is. If you want him to make a decision be prepared to wait and wait and wait. You can tell exactly where he's been in the house by what cabinets or closet doors are open because he never shuts anything. BUT, who cares? This man is the real deal. He is the kind of husband that loves his open-book-tell-everyone-everything wife even though he is intensely private. He is the kind of husband that asks how he can pray for me and does. He is the kind of husband that doesn't pretend to understand my emotional range in any given day but loves me in each of them. He helps me and lends a hand and laughs at my jokes and tells my I'm pretty even though there is way more of me here then there was when we met. He is not perfect. Our marriage is not perfect. But there is no one else in this world I would rather be my partner in this not so perfect life. There is no one else I would rather spend a day with. There is no one else I would want to be the father of my children. God handpicked him for me. I am blessed.

And as a bonus, he's hot!

Light at the end of the tunnel

2010-04-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

Do you see that?

It's the light at the end of the tunnel. Final hearing for the adoption is set. June 7th, 2:00. Tears came when the letter did. Nervous and anxious and trusting and hopeful.....all at the same time.

The hand of providence...

2010-04-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

How cool is our God? Seriously?!! If you don't know Him, you should acquaint yourself.

Just Wednesday evening I was telling some friends that we weren't going to be able to get the kids a playset like we had planned because that money was needed in Jamaica now. One of them knew of a neighbor who was giving her set away and thought we might be interested even though it needed work. Work! I'm all about the elbow grease. So with a little bit of hope that it was in working order I planned to go see it today.

This morning my Facebook status was

1 John 14-15 This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.

I went to see the playset and it was great and in great shape. Now just to find the help to tear it down and set it up and give it the work it needs. I came home so excited and told my sister about it. Within a minute a text I was unaware of was sent to another sister in a panic. My phone rings and I hear, " I heard you found a free swingset?" Huh? I literally just walked in the door and had only told one person and I was standing looking at her. My sister on the phone informs me that she and her husband have been wanting to buy us a set since P and L first came to live with us and they were waiting to get it as a celebration when the adoption is final. They decided this week not to wait anymore and our new playset will arrive soon!!! Even wilder is that the one they ordered is the exact same one I had picked out and had the money saved up for until it went to higher priority things. I cannot believe it. I'm still a bit stunned. Do you know how a working playset will change this ladies summer! Wahoo!!!!

I declared it quiet time and have sat and thought about just how cool our God is. If He is a God that cares about if my children have a playset or not, then surely He is a God that cares for my husbands decisions and the health and life of my father-in-law. What an awesome God we serve. He provides for all our needs and sometimes blesses us more than we can even imagine. Sometimes He even provides the extras that will help save this little momma's sanity this summer:) I've said it before and I will say it again....it truly takes a village and my village is the best. If you hear a loud ''weeeeeeeee'', it's just me trying out the slide.

Oh yeh, I almost forgot. I was able to call another friend who was wanting one and struggling with the finances for it and now she can get the one for free!! How cool is that?!

Hurting....

2010-04-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Trevor had a tough day today. He took his dad to his neurology appointment and he sat for five hours in a third world clinic for a ten minute appointment that didn't bring good news. His dad had normal pressure hydrocephalus which is excess fluid on his brain. The neurosurgeon wanted to admit him Sunday and do a lumbar puncture and a shunt surgery on Monday morning. He told Trevor it would be $5000 US dollars. After speaking with his dad's regular GP and consulting a physician friend here, it seems a bit unrealistic to do the procedure. The procedure is done to treat symptoms and only works in about a third of all patients. The main symptoms are things he struggles with because of the Alzheimers anyways and would probably bring no relief. There will be a day when I truly believe this blessing of a man will sit at the right hand of our Father and he will be completely restored. We're not sure the neurosurgeon didn't just see US dollars and get a little procedure happy. It would buy him no time and no quality of life. He is almost 80 years old, diabetic and in end stage Alzheimer's. As a son that loves his father and respects him more than anything it is not an easy place to be in. So much responsibility and grief and just really tough decisions. It has been hard for him to see his dad like this. He sometimes just sits and stares and other times chatters to whoever will listen. We spoke on the phone tonight about what a blessing it is to show him the love of Christ right now and to give him the dignity he deserves. I just feel the heaviness of T's voice and I wish I could take the burdens away. I am glad my husband knows that our heavenly Father will.

His dad lives in a duplex that they own. We rent out the smaller side to help pay for his care. The renters this time around had quit paying and part of the reason he went down there was to make sure they vacated the property. Trevor says it needs alot of work to become rentable again and it's just another thing to worry about. It is difficult to find someone there to trust to finish the work in a timely manner and for a good price and harder to find the time away from work here to do it yourself. So in the meantime, it sits empty and no rent comes in and his amazing caregiver still needs to be payed and bills pile up and things here have to be juggled to make ends meet there..... Anybody up for a mission trip to Jamaica? lol

Our God will provide. He always has. I wish I was there with Trev. I could paint or sit with Daddy or just be present with my husband. "Daddy" as we all lovingly call him was the greatest example of a father and a husband and I find myself so thankful this evening that he was chosen to guide and nurture my husband. It is largely because of "Daddy" that I have the man I do. I am so proud of the way he loves his dad, of the way he treats him with such gentelness and dignity and the way he is being the hands and feet of Jesus to a man that lived everyday of his life being that to others.

Pray for them, friends. Pray for solutions and answers and God's peace. Love to you all.

April 15th

2010-04-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

For most people, April 15th marks the deadline for filing your taxes. For me, it marks the day I was given the gift of my son. My Noah will turn 7 tomorrow. He is the sweetest boy. I don't say that lightly. I mean this kid is really really sweet. He's the kind of kid that you miss everyday he's at school because he just has a way of making life better.

He is such a kind soul and is patient and loving and has an awesome heart for Jesus. We tease him that he inherited the Harris ability to pray because that boy prays with conviction and the things his almost seven year old mind knows to pray for knocks the breath out of me. He is such a great big brother and let's L follow him around everywhere and repeat everything he says and does. He loves to help and is affectionate and thoughtful. He even tells his momma she's pretty.

The boy loves sports...any sport but really has taking a liking to football, basketball and soccer. He could play video games all day long if I let him but I am blessed with a well rounded son that likes to read as well. He is smart as a whip and if we could just get him to see the value of giving our best everytime we'll really be on to something. He can do math problems faster than I can.

He loves to act silly and rough house and thinks wrestling and tackle football are two of the greatest things ever invented. If there is a ball in the house he is bouncing it or using the drapery rod as a goal and the energy just doesn't stop. My Noah is a complete joy to me. He his eyes dance with life. And the one thing I have to mention before I go.....my Noah is as handsome as they come. I'm so glad the beauty of his heart matches that outward beauty he was blessed with.

Happy 7th Birthday, Noah Andrew. I am so proud to call you my son. I look forward to the life God has called you too.

Alzheimers stinks.

2010-04-13T17:31:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if I've written about this before. That is part of the reason I blog, to serve as a history of events for my family since my brain seems to function at about 50% most the time.

My husband is in Jamaica right now visiting his father. He got there today. His dad didn't know who he was. No recollection. None. Alzheimer's. It's kind of a long story but when Noah was about six months old, my father-in-law came to visit for three weeks and ended up staying for three years. He was diagnosed almost seven years ago. He has been back in Jamaica now almost four years I think. It became too much with a young family and he never quite adjusted and it seemed to make his disease worse to be in a foreign land. His caregivers are amazing and love him and look at him as their ministry. Trevor's father was a missionary in Haiti for several years and a minister in Jamaica for over 40 until he retired because of this life stealing disease.

It began with him getting lost on his way home from church or forgetting to eat or someone's name...it's progressed to this. The one thing that continues to amaze me is that he can still quote scripture. It is in him that deep. He read his Bible every single day. Sometimes all day. He doesn't know his sons name, he doesn't know he is his son, he can't remember that he was married or that he has grandkids or his address or how to even brush his own teeth but he knows to the core of his soul our Heavenly Father and I believe wholeheartedly doesn't feel alone because of it. He is still the most peaceful man I know.

Alzheimer's. So many little griefs along the way. Much harder for those on the outside to see at this point. It hurts my heart for my husband and I wish I could be there with him....just to buffer the pain of it all. Praying for a good visit for them and that maybe, just maybe, this week he will call Trevor by name just once. I pray Trevor gets that.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

2010-04-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

I had the most cathartic experience yesterday. I turned this:

into this:

and listened to him giggle at himself while he looked in the mirror all day:

Now THIS looks like MY son and just saved this mama several hours a week:

Weekend away...

2010-04-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

The only thing better than my road trip alone with the kids is to follow it up with some alone time with my husband.

This weekend the hubs and I had some much needed time together. The budget was challenged so my gracious parents offered their home to us and took all five of our children and our cute but smelly dog to my sister's house to help her corral our crew for the weekend. My children like nothing more than to hang with their cousins, fun aunties and uncles and Mamaw and Papaw are like the cherry on top! They were thrilled. As was I. It is no little favor to take on my life for a weekend so when my sister offered, I moved fast!

My wise mother encouraged me to get away from our house even though the children wouldn't be there. She was afraid we would get wrapped up in projects or household duties instead of focusing on each other and she was right. I totally recommend doing this if the budget doesn't allow for a swank hotel...or any. My parents, who raised six kids themselves, had a bottle of wine waiting, chocolates, strawberries, cheese and crackers and a nice little blanket for a picnic on the floor of the living room. Nice touch! If your parents don't live close by or family, swap with a trusted friend and then you can do the same for them. We have to encourage and support one another's marriages.

Trevor and I slept in a bit, ate breakfast at my favorite way too expensive to take kids too breakfast place and then went for a hike in a park we used to hang out in back in the day. We hit our old favorite dinner spot, did a little shopping and rented a movie. It was wonderful. The best part was just doing what we wanted when we wanted too. The past year of our lives has been a bit crazy to say the least and with a big busy family it is so easy to just lose touch and it was so nice to just be with this wonderful man and talk uninterrupted and laugh and dream and just appreciate and focus solely on each other. I am beyond blessed by this husband God chose for me. I know that the best gift, other than Jesus, that I can give my children is the security that comes from them knowing how much their dad and I love each other and we will forever be a family.

Braving the open road.....

2010-04-07T14:55:00.000-07:00

On Sunday afternoon I packed the kids in the van and we took off for Aunt Nae Nae's house about 4 hours away in Kentucky. A few people called me nuts piling 5 kids into a van and venturing off on my own, but when all 5 belong to you it doesn't seem quite as crazy, I promise. Ten minutes into the trip someone touched someone else. Another five minutes later and every book in the bag was out and strewn all over the van and the selection of dvd titles was being debated. It took a full 36 minutes before the first single "where are we" was uttered. That might be a new Harris record. It was then asked about every 30 minutes thereafter which made the exit for the distellery slightly tempting but I settled on the fresh bag of Easter jellybeans.

Actually, my crew did great. My sister had warned me that she lived in the middle of nowhere. Now, my big city friends would think that my own little town fit that bill but this truly was... out there. I knew I must be close when the signs declaring "Vote Stumpy Durham for county jailer" appeared on the side of the road. Every five minutes we could have stopped at a baptist church or visited the local taxidermy shop and the above ground pools had ten thousand dollar decks around them. My cell phone literally switched time zones from the front of their house to the back deck and text messages appeared randomly hours after they were sent. I think Campbellsville might be the U.S's version of the Bermuda triangle.

All kidding aside though, the trip was great and the quality cousin time was well worth the trip. It was nice to just sit and chat with my sister and watch our kids play together. It's a beautiful area with a gorgeous state park across the street from their house where we hiked in the woods, climbed trees, skipped rocks on the lake, played on the playground and enjoyed the gorgeous weather God gave us while we were there. It's a place where the roofs are made of metal, you park your car in the garage under your house and your neighbor may very well be three quarters of a mile down the road. It is the place my sister now calls home. The perfect place for her bass fishing, antique shopping, horseback riding family. It is a place I'm sure my children will have great memories of and a place I'm sure we'll visit often. I'm so glad I braved the open road with my crew. It's moments like the ones that have composed the past few days that are what life is all about.

Feet

2010-04-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight at our church's Maundy Thursday Service our Pastor selected six people to come on stage and he and the lead pastor washed their feet. I was one of those people. I am not a feet person. I had two initial thoughts. One, thank God I shaved my legs and two, thank God I used the pedegg this week. Shallow, I know but honest. Something happened though as it began. I was incredibly humbled. I thought about what it would have been like to have the King of kings clean your feet. At the time, it was customary for the owner of the home to bring his visitor water so they could cleanse their own feet from their travels or sometimes a servant might do it but never would a free and ordinary citizen. But then Jesus wasn't ordinary was he? Pastor Keith pointed out that this act of service was about service, humility and love. Jesus put himself in a position to serve. He humbled himself before others. And He loved like no one else. That was His example for us. God could have sent His Son to us for a week or a month or a year. He could have sent him here briefly to die on the cross for our sins but what is truly amazing to me, and something I've never thought of before (again, thanks to Keith) is that God sent His Son to earth to live for 33 years. He sent him here for 33 years so that we would know how to live. He gave us the example and on the night before He knew He was to die, He washed the feet of His disciples. He gave us the example to humble ourselves before others, to serve others and to love others. It leaves me breathless. It made me cry up there on that stage tonight.

The entire week this song by Mercy Me has been in my head and I've been raising my hands in the kitchen and in the shower and in the car, singing.....

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

As I've prepared my heart for Christ's dying on the cross and the victory Easter morning brings, it has been such a comforting image to stay and rest in His holiness. It has been comforting to not need the words or to be heard but to wait on His message for me and tonight as my feet were being washed, I heard Him loud and clear. I am amazed by you, God. I am humbled by you and so very thankful for your life and it's example, for your death and your suffering and for your heavenly victory!

2010-03-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend I will be celebrating my oldest daughter, Grace, or as Trevor likes to call her, our firstborn. She will turn 10 on Monday. Tonight is her slumber party with friends. Sunday is her birhtday party with family. Monday she'll get to pick out dinner and just enjoy HER day!

This girl is something special. When she was a baby, people would stop us to tell us how beautiful she was. People would walk clear across the restaurant or the store just to tell us what a beautiful baby she was. "Oh those eyes," they would say. She is just starting to grow in to her eyes. She was our first, we thought is was normal. She was a beauty. She is a beauty. She is built like her Grandma Harris with long lean legs and a waist I'll never find pants to fit. She has always been just a really great kid. As a little one, we never had to baby proof. We told her no once and she never did it again. We could sit and eat at a restaurant for hours and she would be good and playful. We could take her anywhere and she just adjusted and adapted. She did everything early. We thought that was normal too. She walked at 9 months and told us for her first birthday she wanted Blues Clues. She told us in complete sentences. My sister used to call her 'baby genius' until we told her to stop since Grace was starting to tell perfect strangers that she was a 'baby genus!' She was a complete joy.

She still is. She is a really bright, smart girl that tends to be too hard on herself. She has a heart for service and for God. She is creative beyond my imagination and loves to write and photograph and paint and draw and sketch designs. She has made some really great outfits and has aspirations right now of being a designer. She used to want to be an architect and early on wanted to be a school bus driver:) I have no doubts my Grace will be whatever she sets her heart on. She reads her Bible every night on her own will. She helps out around the house and is a delightful big sister. She can be shy and spent the first few years of early chldhood kind of in a shell but boy has that shell come off in the past few years. She is funny and playful and I love to watch her laugh. As these pre-teen years hit, she is chatty and inquisitive and starting to look at me like I may not know everything. Imagine that.

She loves Math and Science and wearing two different socks. My Grace can kick a soccer ball with the best of them or shoot hoops with the scrappiness of her mama. She is unique and not afraid to be different and I am so unbelievably proud to be her mother. I cannot believe she is turning 10. It has been such an honor to be her momma and I look forward to what God has in store for my firstborn. I can't think of a better kid to lead the rest of our crew. Happy Birthday my sweet Grace.

FBI calling.....there seems to be a problem!

2010-03-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

Part of the process of adopting is a homestudy which includes passing an FBI fingerprint analysis. It is a national check and helps weed out the creepies. Anyway, we did ours immediately the first week of February so there would not be any hold up with the adoption and last night I was informed that they ran them for the state, not national and we need the national ones. So we have to pay again, which is nominal, and Trevor has to get some time from work again and be reprinted. I tried to tell them they haven't changed, but they weren't hearing it;) You would think they could just run the same set again through the national database. So anyway, that is the holdup. As soon as that is processed, we should have a courtdate.

Since the kids have come to live with us and especially since this entire court journey has started, I've gotten excited each time the baby dedication at our church has neared thinking that maybe by then they would be ours and we could dedicate them at our church that has supported us like crazy......BUT, I have seen it come and go three times now and so I am trying to be patient as we wait on God's time. Next time. Next time, I'm sure we'll be ready.

The best toy ever invented.

2010-03-24T08:10:00.001-07:00

I think I've mentioned on here how everything and it's cousin seemed to break around here last month. Well, I've been handwashing dishes for this crew for well over a month now and I know women all over the world do it but I am so glad I don't have to anymore!!!

Of course, the best thing about a new appliance is.....

THE BOX!!!!!

AND THE VIEW!

What? The view? I came down last night while my husband was diligently working on installing it and this is what I saw:

My friends rock!

2010-03-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

When it comes to friendships, I am obscenely blessed. I am surrounded by amazing, beautiful women that encourage and support me. This past weekend I was able to go out with friends that I have known since I was fifteen and we have been through it all together...the death of a parent, the death of a child, marriages, divorce, children, miscarriages, job changes, moves, growing and changing and through it all loving one another. We ate and laughed and talked and laughed and just being with them makes my world feel round.

Another friend showed up at our home this week with snacks for the kids. She has been doing this since P and L first came to live with us. We like to call her the 'snack fairy lady' but how great is it that I have a friend who would be so insightful that all of these children require alot of snacks and to think about that need and want to fill it for us? She prays for me and lets me vent and makes me laugh and has a life of chaos that rivals ours:) I love her.

Another friend, one I get to call Sister, sent me flowers this week just to give me a smile. I have four sisters and two sisters-in-law and they are all truly amazing. Not to mention my momma that rocks.

Another friend, one I get to call Aunt, called and just lovingly shares her concerns for me and if I'm taking care of myself. She has always been my advocate and I love her so much for it.

I went to dinner with the women from my homegroup and was so blessed by how those friendships are growing and developing. They are so cool to do life with.

Another friend dropped off the most adorable clothes that would work for P and a brand new game system that she won that she thought we could put back for a birthday or Christmas for one of the littles. She had called me earlier to let me know to keep doing what I'm doing. She grew up in foster care and she knows what it is like to be on the recieving end of the love I try to give.

Countless friends prayed for me, for our family.

Another friend dropped by a little gift for me and a thoughtful note to remind me of the difference I am making. She lives across town, has a busy family of her own and she took the time to bless me.

Another friend, sent me the most amazing note of encouragement through Facebook. She just reached out to me and supported me and it meant so much.

Friends that have adopted older children let me pick their brain and ask personal questions and shared their own difficult struggles with me and let me share in their victories. They offered a listening ear and just a place of safety knowing I could say what I need because they had been there too.

Some friends kept me accountable for this weight I'm trying to lose. Others just made me laugh through a witty Facebook post or response. Some called or came by. Some responded to my blog to encourage me and offer prayer and support.

And that's just this week. I told you. Obscenely blessed. These are the coolest ladies. There are so many courageous, strong, selfless, kind, thoughtful, generous, amazing women that I call friend. And I do not take it lightly. You all bless me. So if I count you as my friend, thank you. This week has been better and I feel your prayers and support. This week has been better because of you.

Lost at sea...

2010-03-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

I have shared lately that P and L have been missing their MOM and I believe are finely starting to grieve her. I am having a really hard time with things lately. It is very hard to feel like I am giving 100% of my love to someone and then with one simple innocent phrase from a 3 year old, I feel completely rejected. It is even tougher because the issues don't seem to be with Trevor or the other children. After all, they never had a daddy and are thrilled to have one and what isn't cool about having all these big brothers and sisters to play with and enjoy. I, on the other hand, in their minds, am trying to replace a mother that they knew and loved very much.

Earlier in the week P was acting mad at me and I asked her why and she said she doesn't want to be here. The knife was dull and flat right to the heart. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I know ,I know, she is three and she did not mean it like that and I know she really does love our family and being here.....but the other part of my heart realized that she blames me. For all of this. Her MOM won't get the blame because she isn't around to point the finger. Instead it will be me. She thinks, in her three year old little brain, that it is my fault she was ripped from her MOM. I am dying here. I felt so unbelievably sad and angry. Not angry with her but so so SO angry with MOM. At that moment, I felt no Grace for her. I felt so stinkin' mad that she made this sweet girl feel that way and that I will forever be the one cleaning up after her choice.

It seems that the times she asks for her are the times that she is or thinks she is in trouble. So then I struggle with am I being manipulated? Is my disciplining her interfering with our bonding? Will she ever want me?

And almost instantly the guilt of having those feelings start in....The hard part about this is that there is really no one to validate my feelings. I can't tell them. Who realy would get this? Who wouldn't judge these feelings and mumble about me under their breath or worry about how I'm doing? So, I write it out. I write and write and write and cry and cry and call out to my Jesus to comfort them and me. I ask him to keep my heart towards them and this grief pure and accepting. I ask him to give me His strength to handle this because quite frankly my earthly self is tired and worn down.

Would you please pray for me too if you get a chance? It's one of those times that I feel a bit lost at sea, treading water, land is nowhere in sight and storm clouds are on the horizon.

Goodbye old friend

2010-03-10T05:23:00.000-08:00

I had to say goodbye today.

Have you ever had that pair of jeans that you wear until the knees fray out or the pocket is hanging off of them. Or maybe it's been a favorite T that wears so thin passersby can read the tag on your bra. Maybe you've had that cozy sweater you wear around the house even thought it went out of style a decade ago but it is so stinkin' cozy and the one thing that gets you warm on those cold winter days. For me, it is a pair of red t-shirt material capri length lounge pants. They are amazing. The softest cotton ever and an elastic waist that has fit me through three pregnancies and snaps back afterwards. I could live in these pants. I could be buried in these pants...they are so comfortable. They have been there for me through the past ten years. I got them on clearance at Target for like $6 bucks so they were well worth every penny! Yesterday I wore them for the last time. Trevor is dancing in thanksgiving. When they lost their drawstring he said I should throw them away. Silly man. When they started to fray around the elastic band he thought I should toss them. Doesn't get it. You get it, don't you?! When the waistband actually became exposed I caught him once trying to dispose of them. How dare he. They have been loyal and grown with me and shrunk with me and comforted me. But now, now it is the humane thing to do to put them out of their misery. Several small holes have turned in to really big holes and it has flaws now that even the baggiest of t-shirts can't hide. I am so sad. I will miss them. What will I wear next time I don't feel well? When I'm bloated? Six bucks won't buy that kind of comfort these days. So sad to see them go. Goodbye old friend.

What's your comfort piece?

Trying something new

2010-03-09T10:00:00.001-08:00

I am trying something new. I am calling it a little bit of Jesus. It is my attempt at engaging our family in scripture. It is my attempt at getting all five of our children from varying ages involved in a conversation and some guided reflection about Jesus. It is my attempt at putting our focus as a family on HIM. It is my attempt at making the Bible our instruction manual for life. I thought I'd invite you along.

http://alittlebitofjesus.blogspot.com/

Good grief!

2010-03-08T17:49:00.000-08:00

It seems grief has hit our household with a two ton brick. P had a tough evening tonight. She got in trouble for something minor and cried and cried and cried. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted her Mommy. She said Mommy and it about killed me. With both of the kids having such a hard time lately I have tried to look back and see if there is anything different or if anything has precipitated this but I don't see anything. I think it has just hit them. I think the realization that she isn't coming back has hit them out of the blue.

I do not know why God chose me to parent two children who are grieving....sometimes I feel so completely inept at it. P and I had a good talk. We talked about what she missed most about her.....playing puzzles, taking walks and her just being her mommy, were the answers. We talked about things she likes doing here with this mommy and things that make her feel loved. She asked me when MOM would get more kids and it struck me then that there is a part of this beautiful three year old girl that thinks she wasn't good enough and that she was turned in for something better. I felt like I had been kicked square in the gut. I told her that I didn't think she would have more kids because she didn't know how to care for them and that they didn't do anything wrong or to cause any of this.

We planned to draw a picture for her MOM and make a special box we can keep things in that are special to us. I think we are going to start a lifebook for each of them that will help tell the story of their lives and give them a place to share their feelings and explains things that are hard to understand when you're so young. We prayed for MOM. We prayed for P and L and their sadness. The originals asked questions and I answered honestly and I could see them hurting for their brother and sister too.

It is tough to parent a child that is grieving....especially when it is a parent that you feel has caused this pain and you want to honor their feelings but at the same time get your own feelings hurt in it. I know it is not personal and I know they should want her and miss her and I know it is the healthy reaction.......but it leaves me feeling like I am just not up to par. It is hard when you know it is not you that they want.

Part of me wants to shout that I wanted her to be well enough too, that I wanted her to step up and be their mommy. Part of me wants to remind them that I make their meals and wipe their behinds and give them their baths and pick them up and hold them when they cry and I kiss the booboos and tuck them in and that I have changed my entire life to make this happen... And then I feel awful for even a second thinking any of that. And I feel thankful that I was able to keep that part hidden and instead just hug them and cry with them and tell them how sorry I am and that we will get through this together as a family. I thank them for trusting me with their feelings and that I'm so glad they tell me. I hug harder and smile bigger and pray over their hearts. I pray for my own heart. I pray to be the mom they need to be whole and healthy. I pray they feel loved to their core and that they are always enough..that they are perfectly made. I pray they see Jesus in the face of our family and feel HIS perfect all encompassing love for them.

Everybody poops

2010-03-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

This is Wally. He is cute. He is small. And he poops. Turns out he poops all winter long whether you scoop it or not. And when all that beautiful white snow you see surrounding him melts, the poop remains. So today I took the kids for a walk and we played in the yard and I realized I hadn't scooped the poop since 2009.So Trevor took Grace and her friend to the Toby Mac concert for an early birthday present and I scooped, and scooped and scooped. Trevor pulled the ole' ''Dad's doing something special for their daughter'' card and I got stuck with this job. I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed the chorus of ''here's more poop" from the littles who thought it was some kind of game. I think I could start my own fertilizer business. I am almost positive our grass will be greener. As I hung up the super duper pooper scooper that set me back twenty bucks, I added this chore to the older kids chore chart with a smile on my face. Let's see who thinks it's a game next time:)

Cause I love her.

2010-03-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

I am hurting for my L tonight. He never has trouble sleeping. He hasn't called out for me since the first weeks he came to live here. I heard him calling for me tonight and went to check on him and he was upset. I asked him what was wrong and he said he missed MOM. I scooped him up and sat on the floor with him in my arms and I asked him why he thought he missed her so much today and the tears started flowing and he simply answered, "Cause I love her."

"Cause I love her."

Cause. I. Love. Her.

This is why I tried so hard for so long to give her a chance. This is why I prayed so hard for her to be healthy and whole and the mother this precious boy needs. This is why I still wish she would be. I hurt so deeply for him.

I put him in bed with Trevor and I and he feel asleep quickly in T's arms. The bond they have is undeniable. I put my hand on his shoulder and just prayed for him, his sister, their grief and healing....that our family be able to create an atmosphere for them to grow into the people God's intended for them to be. I prayed that this little boy's pain be replaced with the love of Jesus and that he realize just how amazing and wonderful he is and that there is never a day that he thinks he did something to cause this. His pain made me feel so angry at her for not being enough. I don't know if after all this time he has figured out that she isn't coming back or why the sudden surge of grief but that's how it is isn't it? Grief. It sneaks up on you. You catch yourself crying in the middle of the grocery or at the song on the radio or some smell that reminds you of your lost loved one....

If you think of it today, please pray for my babies, for their grief, loss, healing. And while you're at it, pray for the 147 million other children that are mourning their families too and waiting for a place to heal.

Deep thoughts...

2010-03-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

Todays lunch conversation was deep. Let's be honest, most days it consists of what route Dora took to get past the grumpy troll, who has a booger nose, and what they are going to do on their special night with mom and dad. Today was different.

This morning out of the clear blue, L started crying. He was sitting on the floor playing with the girls and I was right there. He burst into tears. I asked him what was wrong and he said he missed his MOM. He didn't call her MOM, he called her by name but he missed her all the same. I held onto him and said I was so sorry that it hurts him and makes him sad and it makes me sad too. This is the first time since Christmas he has mentioned her. It makes me wonder how many times he doesn't say anything or the tears don't come. I wondered what triggered it, what made him think of her and miss her so much at that moment of time. He recoverd quickly and was playing in no time.

At lunch he asked if we could pray for her. Broke my heart. Here is this four year old boy that knows he can pray for his broken MOM. He has learned that we can reach out to Jesus and He will heal those who are hurting. So we prayed for MOM, that she was safe. We thanked God for her and we prayed that she be healthy. We prayed for L and P's broken hearts. We prayed for our new family.

The lunch conversation then turned to race. "MOM has a brown face and you are white," I think is how it went. Ava pointed out that she is the only brown girl in her class and she said it makes her feel weird sometimes. We wondered if the short kid or the one with glasses or the really tall girl felt weird sometimes too. I asked her if it bothered her that Mommy was the only white person in our family. It didn't. We talked about how colorful our entire family is, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc and what a special thing that is. We talked about how God made us. We talked about being unique and fearfully and wonderfully made. We talked about how families can look very different from each other and that it's the love that makes you family, not if you look the same. We talked about how cool it is that there are so many different people in the world and how boring it would be if we were all the same. None of them seemed to be bothered by the race thing. It was more a fact and just the way it is. There was lots of giggling and comparing of arm colors.

I sat looking at my table full of brown faces and the sweet white red head I watch and I felt so thankful that they are growing up celebrating and talking about our multiracial mix. I thanked L for telling me that he was missing MOM. I thanked them all for such a great conversation and all their good ideas and thoughts. And then somebody tooted and the laughter insued and I lost them. Back to boogers and cartoons.

The welcome mat is out.

2010-02-28T13:48:00.001-08:00

I could not figure out why I was so tired today. I thought at first that I was getting sick. Zero energy and I actually fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the chaos and noise that is my daily life. (Don't worry, my husband was home) As I planned for this week, I looked over last week and I counted how many children other than my own went through this house last week. Nineteen.

19. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19. Nineteen. Anyway you say it, it's a bit insane. It was fun though. We all survived. We were able to help some friends and some family and share the love;) We had cupcakes and made our own individual pizzas, we moved the island in the kitchen and played basketball, we watched movies and played school and colored and dressed up and ate lots and lots of snacks. I love that my children don't bat an eyelash and other children hanging around. I love that our house is the house where everyone knows they are welcome.......them and their loud kids. Trevor and I have always said that we want to be the house where the kids hang out so we know who their friends are and what's going on. Be careful what ya wish for. LOL

Turns out that will make ya tired.

It's not about happiness.

2010-02-27T17:00:00.000-08:00

I love this post. Love it. I could have written this to my own children. I didn't. But Missy did and she did it oh so well.

"Recently we were told by people whom we love and respect why they oppose our plans to adopt. One of the reasons given was that we would not be able to pay for your college education. It's true. You all have college funds - college funds which recently took a terrible hit - but "they" say that by the time you're 18, college will cost anywhere between $200,000 to half a million dollars each. You might as well know now, we won't be covering that. I'm telling you now, babies.

The people said that the day would come when you would look at us with resentment because you had to apply for school loans while many of your friends got a free ride from their parents. Maybe you will. Maybe you'll resent us. I really hope not. But maybe I should tell y'all now why your dad and I have decided to do what we are doing.

I know you're going to think I am going off topic (I do that a lot) but several years I saw a story on a TV show about how the latest trend was for parents to give their daughters boob jobs for high school graduation (I don't know what they gave their sons.) When interviewing one of the moms, she said, "I just want my daughter to be happy." And as I tossed a throw pillow at the television, this really huge thought occurred to me: I don't want my children to be happy.

My goal as your mom is not your happiness, sugars. In fact, I spend at least half my day making you unhappy. If I had a nickle for every tear that falls in this home on a daily basis, we wouldn't need to worry about college tuition at all.Happiness is fleeting, sweet babies. That means it doesn't last. It's a quick feeling that comes from a funny movie or a heart shaped lollipop or a really good birthday present. It's great. I love to be happy. But happiness is a reaction that is based on our surroundings. And our surroundings are so very rarely under our control. Even when - especially when - we think they are. So no, I absolutely don't want you to spend your life chasing something that has so little to do with your own abilities. You'll just be constantly frustrated.

There are two things I desire for you, precious loves. There are two things that I spend most of my time as a mother trying cultivate in you. Happiness ain't one of them. (This means, sorry, no boob jobs for you.)

The first is, I want you to be content. Being content is so much different from being happy. Being content is not based on your surroundings. Being content comes from within. Contentment is a spirit of gratitude. It's the choice you make to either be thankful for the things you do have, or to whine about the things you don't have.As you know, because I've told you lots of times, Paul talked about being content. Paul said that he had "learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." And Paul was in some rotten situations, kiddos, really rotten.How could Paul be content whether he was in prison or if his life was literally a shipwreck? Because Paul was constantly seeking to be in the will of God instead of his own, was constantly sacrificing his own comfort for the sake of the gospel, and was constantly being confirmed, strengthened, and blessed by God because of his obedience. He was given a supernatural power - that means something kind of like magic, God magic - to do things that most other humans could not do. And guess what? The bible tells us (in Ephesians 1) that God will give you the exact samemeans, I want you to seek that God-power to make you content. I want you to want the Kingdom of God more than your own kingdom. And that's hard, babies, that is s power! If you want it!

Which leads me to my second desire for y'all.

I don't want you to be happy. I want you to be holy. That o hard. And that usually means passing up a lot of what the world considers happiness. But it means that you will achieve blessings directly from God that most of the world never dreams of because they are too occupied with the achieving the perfect birthday present!This means you may be poor, 'in want' as Paul said, and that's okay. It will never, ever be okay with the world for you to be poor. So you'll be up against the world. But not your dad and me, loves, because it was never our goal for you to be wealthy - at least not in the way that the world considers wealthy.

Darlings, we love you so much. You will never even grasp how much we love you until you have children of your own, and then you'll get it, and then you'll apologize for the ways you treated us ;) But our goal is not to please you. Our goal is to please our Heavenly Father. And nowhere in the bible does the Lord command that we save our money to send our kids to college.

But the Lord does command us to care for the orphan around fifty times. He does tell us to care for the poor around 300 times. He does tell us that when we care for the neediest, we are caring for Jesus Himself. And in chapter six of the book of Matthew, He tells us to seek His kingdom first, and let Him worry about the rest, like college tuition. Because it's all His anyway.They said that one day y'all would resent us for using 'your' college money to go and get your sister out of an orphanage in Ethiopia and bring her home to you.But I know my babies. Even at your tender ages, I know your hearts, and I have already seen you weep for the least of these. I know the prayers I offer up to God that He and not the world would shape the desires of your hearts. I am trusting Him to answer those prayers. So, sugarbears - I just don't believe those people. Love,Mommy"

http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-dont-want-my-children-to-be-happy.html

Proud owner of a new furnace

2010-02-25T10:23:00.000-08:00

It's been a tough time in the Harris Household. First the water softener went out which I believe was the beginning of the demise of the dishwasher and now not to be outdone.....the furnace had joined them. I woke in the middle of the night freezing and came to check the thermostat and it was 60 degrees in the house. By the time Trevor got up to go to work it was 58 and the reality had set in that we had major trouble. I loaded up all of the kids and we went to my parents for the day to be in the warmth. We left poor Trevor behind with a small space heater and some hot tea:) The man of my life was proud to fend the cold to protect his family. He even cleaned the bathrooms while I was gone:)

Let's rewind to yesterday. I sat and looked at our budget and our taxes and I was so thankful that for the first time it looked like we were going to be able to have an inch of breathing room and be able to get the dishwasher and the water softener our home desperately needs. God's sense of humor in my life often seems like something the Coen brothers would have written.

I can joke about it now. My first reaction was to cry. I know it is silly and I know my thoughts were unappreciative but I felt slighted. I felt like Trevor and I work so hard at trying to be good stewards of our time and finances and resources and that for just once, it would be nice to have a dime left over.....to be able to get carpet our house needs or replace the couches I've had since 1992.....it would be nice to not worry at the end of the month and to be able to have that emergency fund we dream of so that when things like this happen it doesn't set us back. I was beyond frustrated and hurt and just in general sick at the cost. I thought about all the people I know who seem to be so materially successful and have little room for God and I felt so tired of struggling. I guess in all honesty, I felt entitled. I felt like I had 'done enough' for God that He should want me to have carpet too. I know that's not how it works. I know that it was my frustration and my unfailing humanness. I know that it is ridiculous beyond measure but it is where I spent a good part of my day. And then a friend sent me a verse that I sent her just last week. Psalms 34:17...The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

And another friend emailed me to tell me that she thought we might need dinner so she was fixing soup for us and fresh bread and she would be bringing it over at 4.

And my husband calmly told me we'd be okay.

And my parents opened their home to us to stay warm.

And my friends prayed

and I meditated on the fact that it is only by HIS grace and He wants us to depend solely on HIM

and it wasn't long til I was singing that old hymn, "Jehovah Jireh, my provider, you are more than enough for me." I realize how God provides for our family. How he always has. How beyond blessed we are and how rich we are in comparison to the majority of this world.

Tonight we will sit in our family room on our 'throwback' couches around our little space heater and we will all be together and healthy and happy and I will thank God for the blessings in my life and I will praise Him anyhow....in spite of my stained old carpet and my broken dishwasher. I will remember HIS love for me and our family and that the cost He paid for me cannot be financed with no interest for a year like the furnace, it can not be measured or paid back and I can never ever do enough. I will remember that He blesses me in so many other ways that I just may be the richest woman I know. Take that furnace.

You are invited to....

2010-02-24T07:35:00.001-08:00

I got home from pre-school drop off today and found a note addressed to L taped on our door. I told L it was for him. "For me?" Yes. "Only for me?" Yes. Let the dance of joy begin. I helped him open it and told him his little friend wants him to come to his Star Wars birthday party. Just him. "Can I hold it?"

It was so cute. I wrote down all the info quickly and the boy hasn't sat it down all day. I know this takes place a dozen times a year to children everywhere, but not this child. This is the first time he's been in a place long enough to have his own little friend. And I think children that are fostered or adopted for a long time feel like they are surrounded by toys and a house and friends and family that they are borrowing, not their own thing. No matter how many times you tell them it is all yours. Everything we have is yours. I think it still, in the back of their mind, doesn't feel like theirs. It's the reason he holds on to anything from his old life with such gusto. So this is the reason that I choked back tears and felt so thankful that my sweet boy not only has his own friend, but his very own, very cool, Star Wars invitation to what I'm sure will be a very fun party.

The needies

2010-02-21T06:41:00.000-08:00

My three youngest haven't been feeling well. Nothing major. Just bad coughs, a little tummy bug and a case of the needies. I've never had all three of them sick at the same time and at times it seemed like my lap wasn't big enough. When your lap isn't big enough, they resort to other things like your head. This time it was Trevor's turn.

You know when you were little and sick and you just wanted your mom? Heck, I'm big and when I'm really sick, I still want my mom. This is the first time P and L have really not felt well since they've been with us. So I braced myself. I prepared myself for the fact that they would ask for her. For MOM. With the loss of her in their life so fresh, I just knew they would want her. They would want her arms and her hugs and her sympathy even though it was my face getting coughed in, my nose being assaulted by all kinds of things and my hands cleaning up and comforting. But the thing is, they didn't ask. They haven't gotten an inch from me. They have climbed into my lap a hundred times and they have kissed my face over and over and they have told me their tummy hurts and layed by me and climbed into my bed to snuggle. I have wiped noses and heinies a hundred times. I have comforted and I have held and I am becoming their mom and they know it. They know it. They wanted me. They have only asked for me.

I'm not naive enough to think that we won't ever have another issue again or that they will never ask for MOM or long for a relationship with her but I am thankful enough to recognize the little victories. This is bigger than fishsticks! (see earlier post)

Fat Tuesday means one thing....

2010-02-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

Today is Fat Tuesday. That means one thing to me. Tomorrow is the beginning of Lent. For years Christians have celebrated Lent by giving up something they cherish. When I was young it was chocolate, Mt. Dew or Taco Bell.....maybe it's a behavior like giving up television or electronics or you can even add something to your daily routine that puts your focus on Jesus. The point is to have that reminder as to the price Jesus paid. It should be a time of refection and repentance, a time to realize the brokeness of our lives and that the only way is through Christ. It is an opportunity to put in check what stuff we have in our life that isn't glorifying God.....to get rid of the extra. As I get older and grow in my walk with God, I really try to focus on the reason. 40 days.....just like Jesus in the desert. Preparing my heart for the sacrifice my God made for me. Preparing my heart for the magnitude of what Jesus did for my silly everyday sins. Truly realizing the suffering so I can relish in the victory when he rises on that 3rd day! If you don't know what Jesus did for me and you.....here it is:

Isaiah 53 (The Message) Isaiah 53 1 Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this? 2-6The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him. 7-9He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence. Justice miscarried, and he was led off— and did anyone really know what was happening? He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people. They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man, Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true. 10Still, it's what God had in mind all along, to crush him with pain. The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through him. 11-12Out of that terrible travail of soul, he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it. Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant, will make many "righteous ones," as he himself carries the burden of their sins. Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly— the best of everything, the highest honors— Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch, because he embraced the company of the lowest. He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many, he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

The loves of my life...

2010-02-15T17:45:00.000-08:00

The loves of my life....all six of them and I made homemade pizzas for Valentine's Day...another love of our lives:)

Fishsticks!

2010-02-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

Today at lunch little Miss P tells me she doesn't like fishsticks. I tell her she's silly thinking she just wants the new pile of Valentines candy that her sister brought home from pre-school and tell her to finish her lunch. I cannot even remember how many times she has had them in the past ten months and eaten them. So I watch her for a bit. Struggling to eat them. And it hits me then. This little girl trusts me. She trusted me enough to tell me that she doesn't like fishsticks and knew I would love her anyway and feed her something else. She trusted me enough to tell me something she doesn't like and for a little girl that copes with smiling through everything and acting like the world is perfect it made me want to cry. I ask her if she likes them or not and she crinkles her nose and looks nervous and whispers 'not.' I scoop her up and hug her and tell her I'm sorry I didn't know she doesn't like fishsticks. I tell her that we won't be having them anymore and I thank her for telling me the truth that she was feeling. This was a big day for us. It may seem funny to you but I will forever remember the day this beautiful girl told me she doesn't like fishsticks. Lord knows how many times I've put them in front of her. I wonder what else she doesn't like around here?! I'm afraid we may soon find out;)

Remembering Joey

2010-02-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had to watch someone you love so deeply go through something that you had no control over and you just had to sit quietly by and watch them hurt? Have you ever wished and prayed for something so different than the ways things actually turned out? Have you ever wondered why bad bad things happen to really good amazing people? Seven years ago tomorrow that very thing happened in my circle of friends.

I was pregnant with my second child and one of my very best friends was pregnant with her first and it was so fun to think of our children growing up so close together. I got the call that she was in labor and was so excited to meet their bundle of joy. Later on that afternoon as I was planning to go to the hospital, I got a call that brought news that changed the course of my dear friends life forever. There were complications in delivery and her son was taken immediately to Riley Children's Hospital with her husband and she was at the other hospital recovering from an emergency c-section. The troops rallied and the four of us that had been friends with this new mom since childhood came to the hospital and cried with our friend. We prayed and squealed at his pictures and wondered what on earth to say or do or how to help our friend on this journey. Three days later Joey's short life came to an end in the arms of his parents. This tragedy was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed but it was also something completely unsuspecting. It was beautiful. It was full of God's Grace.

My dear friend was a newer Christian at the time and I remember worrying about her faith and her new marriage and her emotions and her entire life. I remember hurting to the pit of my stomach for her and her husband. I still do. I still cannot think about Joey without tearing up. But I had no reason for worry. I witnessed in my friend and her husband, God's grace at It's fullest. I watched them comfort others. I watched them lean on one another and their faith family. I watched them turn to God and in a moment that would have brought the greatest of faiths to question, I watched them grow in their walk with our God. I watched friends and family support them and carry them and cry with them and watched this amazing couple celebrate the life of their son. They did not get stuck in the moment of his death but they celebrated the life of this blessed little boy.

I remember having one of those primal cries that come from the pit of your stomach and seem to crawl out of your throat and into the air. I remember holding my growing belly and feeling scared and so sad for my sweet friend knowing how hard it would be to be around me now...to be around my baby. I told her that I understood if it was something she couldn't do. Once again, she showed God's grace. She was the first one to hold my Noah, other than me. We both just looked at each other and cried. She said she feels blessed to be able to look at Noah through the years and get a glimpse at the things Joey would be doing right now.

They played the song "I Can Only Imagine" at his memorial service. I think of him everytime I hear it. It still makes me weep. I can only imagine.....I cannot wait to be in heaven one day and see my amazing friend dancing before Jesus with her son.

My friends faith and her grace and the comfort she found in our Savior grew me. I know that it grew many. I know that to this day when she writes a note to a family that is grieving, she still changes lives. Joey still changes lives. And so today, I thank God for Joey and his mom and dad. I thank God for their witness. I thank God that He can create a life so amazing that in three short days, he could change eternity for some.

Custody, granted!

2010-02-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

I walked into an empty courtroom today. It was a place I've never imagined myself. It was myself, Trevor, Safe families and our attorney at one table. The court reporter and judge walked in and we stood. We all testified. We were asked questions by our attorney and then the judge. He granted custody easily and without much drama. The biggest drama came when Trevor said that we had three other children. The judges face was priceless and he asked Trevor again to tell him how many rooms we had in our home and said so you will have five children and this is what you want? Quite funny really. He wasn't trying to be. MOM wasn't there. The sheriff's department couldn't confirm her reciept of the paperwork so she may not have even known about it.

I sat there looking at the empty desk across from us with so many emotions. To be completely honest, the first was relief. I wasn't sure how she would react to us and I didn't want to have to find out. Secondly it made me feel sad for her....that this is happening and she isn't even aware....or does she not care enough to show up....what a great loss for her this is. And finally I felt thankful that my husband and I could be a voice for P and L and that we were their advocates for a better life, a life with a family and a stable home and a life that knows Jesus. It was such a visual image of who was rooting for them in this life before us and the support system they now have. I could just picture the courtroom full of our friends and family and then that empty table in the middle.

The judge granted custody and I instantly felt 50 pounds lighter. Basically the custody is so that no one can take them from our home until the adoption is complete. We have the right now to enroll them in school, have them assessed, etc....For the first time in 9 months of them living with us, we have legal rights and know they cannot be taken from us today or tomorrow. I will no longer wonder what the day may hold and if MOM is going to decide to create drama today. It is such a huge sense of peace and I think I may actually get some sleep tonight. I am hoping this feeling of stability will enrich the lives of our children too. I am sure it will. Our homestudy was completed yesterday and we were fingerprinted today so now we wait for a court date for the adoption hearing and finish getting all of our paperwork together. One step closer to our forever family. One step closer. Praise God!

About the organization thing...

2010-01-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

About the organization thing....it hasn't started yet. I know I know. I love how I say that as if it is magically going to start itself. Our printer is messed up and so I haven't been able to print it off and laminate it like I want so....yes, I realize this is a HUGE excuse and I could have easily looked at each day on the computer and done the task but then how do I cross it out.....IT IS A SYSTEM!!! So, I am starting this Monday but I started something even better this week. Way more fun, way more needed and WAY more important to my family.

Special nights. We started special nights with the kids. Each one has their own night assigned, P is Monday and on through the week youngest to oldest with Grace ending on Friday. On that night, at prayer time before bed, each person has to say something they love or are thankful for about that child. Then they get to be the center of the group hug and after everyone else is tucked in, they get to come downstairs with mom and dad all by themself and have special time!! We do whatever they want.....within reason:) The only thing we can't do is watch tv. The first week went awesome. They loved it! All the kids were so excited for whoevers night it was and if it wasn't there night they were busy plotting what they wanted to do on theirs. It's even been good for Trevor and I to spend that time together too and it's been fun to sit and talk about that child and what they are like when they go to bed. It has been so cute to hear the kids excited for one another that it was their night. Not one time has anyone gotten out of bed this week. They know it is treasured time and don't want to mess it up for their sibling. You can't lose your night for punishment. It is your special night and the purpose is not a reward but to spend time with each child and let them feel uniquely wonderful and loved for just being them.

P kicked off the new program on Monday night. It was just she and I because Daddy had a meeting so when I asked her what she wanted to do, she says, "Make pancakes!!!" It was so funny. So I made a new rule after that night that it can't include food. I promised that one week we'll have a fun food theme. P settled for cuddling and reading and practicing our counting together. L enjoyed working on puzzles and reading and cuddling. Ava and I spent our time playing hangman, working on Bendaroos and playing a guessing game (the pic above). Can you tell she has a short attention span?! All that took place within 30 minutes:) Noah worked on Bendaroos and sweet Grace played a game with us and then we read a few Bible verses and talked about them....her idea by the way. I have loved our nights. They are truly so special to me! I have enjoyed my children so much and found so much JOY in them! This is my favorite thing we do. It has been wonderful for us. I cannot wait to see what they want to do with their special night this week. They are already talking about it and planning.

Bring on the JOY!

2010-01-26T07:13:00.000-08:00

I have never been one to care what others think. Never. I do what I believe to be right and let the chips fall where they may. I am not a people pleaser. I've always spoken my mind and heart and never worried about what Susie or Jane were thinking. I do not conform to others images just so they will like me. What you see is what you get. Not that I have been insensitive to other's feelings but I just have never been one of those women that constantly worry about what others think. Until recently. I'm not sure what changed but man, this is stressful. I'm tired. I can't keep up.

I think it happened when P and L came to live with us and as silly as it sounds I wanted them to like me. I needed their MOM to like me. I wanted the social workers to like me and I wanted everyone to think we were doing the right thing. I wanted our family and friends to be comfortable with what we were doing so I worried about how happy we were, what kinds of family time we were having, how all five of them looked and felt and acted, how our marriage was holding up, worried about still staying active and involved in all the issues that matter to me, worried about maintaining friendships and lending a hand to others and appearing selfish and uncaring if I didn't and in the midst of all of the worrying about everyone else I forgot about me.

I have put on more weight adopting two children than I ever did pregnant with one. And any of you who have seem me pregnant knows that ain't pretty. I keep thinking that we have been at this now for eight months so why is it so chaotic and crazy NOW? Then I realized that we have been in survival mode. Now comes the hard part. Reorganizing as a family of seven. Getting in quality time with each child and allowing them to feel how truly unique, special and loved they are. Finding time as a couple in the midst of all these little people with all these needs. Making my own health and wellness a priority so I am able to be the mom and wife they need me to be.

It hit me last night while I was doing this new Bible study on Balance what it is that I've been missing. Let's be real honest, there isn't going to be a whole lot of 'me' time around here for awhile and taking care of me is going to have to look different than it did before. But what I am missing is JOY. I have completely forgotten to find JOY in what I'm doing. Things I used to find JOY in. JOY in serving. JOY in parenting. JOY in taking care of my family and husband. This sentence in the workbook just four pages into "Balance: At the speed of life: by Barb Folkerts jumped off the page at me.
" Maybe you're the frustrated one constantly going the extra mile, but receiving little joy from it." who me? next page: "trying desperately to carry out God's plan in my own strength?" you talking to me? Isn't our God so cool that He sends me exactly what I need in this study at this time in my life.

I have been walking around in the poisonous mindset that I have another pile of laundry to do and then I have to do dishes and fix dinner right after I finally get lunch cleaned up and I have homework to help with and little heinies to clean and hair to braid and on and on and on. I have been living for naptime and bedtime and missing all the JOY that comes in between. I have refused to be content with our choices and circumstance and I am so sorry that I've let it get to this. Today I am reclaiming my JOY in MY life. Not wishing for someone elses. I am reclaiming my JOY in my beautiful children and their loud rambunctious little selves. I am going to try to fine the JOY in each moment. I am going to find JOY in my home, not wish for something bigger and better. I am going to try with all my might to be content. Content with a house we're growing out of but thankful for a house. Content with my garage sale finds and hand me downs and thankful for friends and family's generosity. I am going to be content that I just don't measure up somedays. I am going to find JOY again. When I was in Africa, the children would say there 'JOY was in Jesus and their hope was in heaven.' I want to be like that.

The next few pages in the workbook set out the goals for the study. I got excited about this part. This study is an attempt at "clearing the clutter from our schedules that can cause us to miss the joy of God's plan for us." So sorry everybody, I'm gonna have to stop worrying about what ya'll think and keeping up with ya'll. I'm a seriously flawed momma who is trying her best to live her life for Jesus in a way that will honor HIM. Bring on the JOY!

Random: exhibit A

2010-01-24T06:30:00.000-08:00

I've written before about how great my parents are and they truly are but my siblings and I joke as they get older that they are getting a little more....shall we say, random. I would like to submit exhibit A.

Mom and Dad called this week to see if they could come up and watch the Colts game with us. Of course is the answer so we decide that we will talk later on about food and all that. So I call mom yesterday and tell her I made soup and veggie pizza and some guacomole and I also had some stuff here for taco salad. She says, "well I can bring something too." I said sure if you want to that's fine and she says she'll call me in the morning and let me know. Fine. So the phone rings this morning and mom is bringing........drum roll please............a pot roast. LOL seriously. No chips or dips or chicken wings for the game but a pot roast, not that there's anything wrong with that, but who brings a pot roast to watch a football game. It totally cracked me up.

Fast forward about an hour and I am chatting with one of my sisters online and telling her another 'random' mom and dad story and she types hahahahahahaha over and over and says that they tried to bring it to her house yesterday so dad must be craving pot roast. Now we are both 'rofl' rolling on the floor laughing. All at the expense of our parents, who I love immensely but that is some funny stuff. Maybe dad just didn't want soup but I'm thinking exhibit A is the first of many random moments.

Organization?!?!

2010-01-21T11:46:00.000-08:00

I'm trying something new around here. It's called organization. When you have five children aged 9 or under it's really just organized chaos so I am attempting to regain some order and implement a system. Don't laugh. I was not gifted with organization. You people that have all those cute little boxes made with designer papers holding all your goods have my insane jealousy. I once made three cute binders to put all my kids stuff in so each child would be organized with their school info, kids numbers, etc and then I got two more children and the cute binders are still empty!

I have spent the past two days creating a spreadsheet. Again, no laughter. One for the children's daily chores and one for mine and the hubs. I know what needs to get done around here but it never quite seems to and then I end up spending one day in a complete tizzy trying to get it all done. I can't ever really keep up so this is my attempt at it. Plus I love a list. I am a list maker. If I have done something not on my list, I often quickly write it down to immediately cross it off. A list gives me that sense of accomplishment this stay at home mother needs. There is no boss telling me what a great job I've done or patting me on the back, no awards to win, but there is that list with all it's little checks and I can look at it and revel at the success of my day! No. Laughing.

So, I spent most of the day cleaning to be ready. The new system will start Monday of giving each of us a little task for the day so that we can stay on top of things around here and it doesn't always look like the circus has come to town and set up in my family room. I'm hoping my love of lists and desire not to be a raving lunatic will make this little attempt at organization my crowning achievement. That might be slightly dramatic, but I hope it works:)

Update on yesterday.

2010-01-21T08:55:00.000-08:00

Update from yesterday and the Haitian orphans....

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster for many families including us. We are thankful for the unbelievable response from the community of families that are willing to open their homes to a child.....I urge them to continue to persue that! We are on a list that is waiting but we are not sure that list will ever need to be used. I am not sure if the communication between the agencies handling all of this was really just that bad or good intentions jumped the gun on a situation they were not sure of. I do believe the intent was to be prepared IF something were to happen and that was not communicated well by anyone. I know how emotional adoption can be. Below is a link to the latest information.

http://www.safefamilieshaiti.blogspot.com/

Sorry if information I passed on hurt anyone. I trusted that I was getting accurate information.

Open to His call.

2010-01-20T06:37:00.000-08:00

Last night I heard some whisperings that Safe Families was about to help DCS place in upward of 300 Haitian orphans locally. I instantly felt the need to do it but wanted to pray on it, mention it to Trevor and see what the childrens reaction would be.

Morning brought clearer details and I was forwarding emails and posting links so that others could know how to answer the call. The kids were excited! It's funny but God has totally and completely given this call to my children too. Not many children would be excited about sharing their toys and their rooms and stretching our dollar even farther but we have been called as a family to this. I told Trevor all about the emails and the calls and the hubbub of the morning and late night and ended our coversation with a simple....."so we may be getting some." After a few seconds of silence all my sweet husband said was, "some?'' I broke out laughing and explained that they are hoping to place them in pairs because they do not speak English and want them to have someone they can talk to without frustration. We are being told the placements will be up to six weeks but that some children may be available for adoption and need a forever family. We are open. Here we are God. Use us. I am so thankful to have a husband like mine that is totally open to God's call for our family and yields to HIS plan for us.

This morning has felt like total excitement. I am waiting for the call to let us know if we have been chosen for any of these children. I am reminded once again how being the hands and feet of Jesus feeds me. I have been haunted by the crisis in Haiti. I have wanted to respond in some way. I have wanted to reach out and help and I am praying that if this be God's will, then it be done.

I've gotten many calls as the day has gone on for families that are wanting to help. Now the word is that they have gotten such a huge response that only adoptive families will be considered to help lessen the amount of transitions for these children and that there aren't as many as first reported. My prayers are with Safe families and DCS as they try to place these children quickly and with the right families for each child and my prayers are with the families that want these children and will not get the call.....I am so in awe of the "Yes" that so many gave God this morning. I love to see the eyes of Jesus in the face of humanity. What a mighty God we serve.

I think it is important to say that if you said yes this morning...if you felt that tug to help the orphans of Haiti....please know that there are many other children that need you. They may not have had an earthquake or just arrived on a plane but there are currently 143 million orphans worldwide. There are over 3,000 children in Indiana waiting in foster care for a family to adopt them NOW. There are thousands of others that need a temporary place to be safe and loved on. Is that not crisis enough? To be 3 or 6 or 12 and without a family.... If your heart was tugged with the news of all the Haitian orphans this morning coming to our area....take a minute to ask God if it was a Haitian orphan he needed you for or any orphan that needs us. James 1:27 tells us this: ^" Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."

We are going to sit back and see what the day brings...the week....the year and see what plans God has for our family and try with all our might to trust in them. I'm just gonna be open to it and try not to think of how insane it is:)

I mourn with the people of Haiti, I hurt for their sufferings. I ache for the grief and dispair that must cover the air there but I pray it motivates us to action. I pray it makes us hurt for all the orphans, the impoverished, the injustices of the world. I pray if haunts us in the months to come when the news coverage has gone on to the next story. Let it haunt us so much that we step up and respond.

***the situation here is changing minute to minute so I will try to update again

MLK day

2010-01-18T17:33:00.000-08:00

It was only 43 years ago that I wouldn't have been able to marry my husband. It would have been illegal. It seems insane to me but it's how it was. 46 years ago my children would have had to drink out of a different water fountain then I do. They would have had to sit on the back of the bus and I could have eaten at the counter in the restaurant but they would have been served at the back door, if served at all. Trevor really could have been lynched for dating me and our children would have never had the same opportunities of their little white cousins and friends all because of the color. of. their. skin. Ridiculous. Sad. Ignorant. and thankfully now against the law. Thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Thanks to Rosa Parks. Thanks to Oliver Brown. Thanks to James Peck. Thanks to the many white and black activist that put their lives on the line so that one day my family could BE. I could write pages upon pages of people that picketed, sat in, marched and preached and fought for the rights of all. On this, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I always think of it. I wonder if anyone else does. I wonder if people without as diverse an environment think of how much better our world is because of the lives of people like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I hope they do. I hope they too are glad that my little family can look like we do and have the freedoms we have. I hope they see how much more beautiful it has made our country.....our world.

Do your kids know why they got to stay home today? Do your kids know what today was all about? Do you?

I could write forever about this subject but I'll leave you with some of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s words instead. He is way better than me.

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people."

''Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. ''

"It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. "

"Ten thousand fools proclaim themselves into obscurity, while one wise man forgets himself into immortality. "

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. "

"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. "

"I have a dream, that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today!"

And we are so glad you did, Mr. King!!!!

The gloves are off....

2010-01-14T06:08:00.000-08:00

This morning was a fury of activity. Two older kids off to school and the little guy I watch gets dropped off and getting P and L all ready for their visit with MOM. I did baths last night so they would be ready to go but P had an accident, which she never does, while I was getting her ready. I'm not sure if she's nervous or anxious or what so back into the tub with her. Redid Logan's hair so it would pass inspection and sat with them for breakfast to talk about what their day may be like.

I asked L how he was feeling, anxious?...excited?...nervous?... "Scared" was his answer. I wasn't ready for that. His tears started and I just held him and cried with him and explained how I know he must be scared since he hasn't seen her in awhile but that mommies friend's would be there to help take care of him and that MOM loves him and misses him and I bet they would have a really great day. The rest of the morning went smoothly and quickly and didn't give me alot of time to think about anything. When our caseworker arrived to pick them up, the kids were excited to see her and to get to ride in her car. I did good. Got them off before they could see a tear. Our social worker came back to the door and said with tears in her eyes, "I just want you to know I'm your advocate in this. You are a wonderful mom and so loving with them and I tell her that and will continue to." So the tears started and Ava asked why I'm sad and she just says, 'I'll miss them to mama.' Such a smart girl.

When I got to the computer this morning after drying what I thought was the last tear, I see all these comments on my blog and my facebook praying for us today and just offering love and encouragement and support and the tears fall again, but in a good way. They fall in that way when your heart feels full and you are just overcome with emotion at God's love for you, at His love for you through others He has placed in your life. Our family is so humbled by the support and love of our faith community and friends. Our loving God has surrounded us by so many people that lift us up and carry us when the burden of life seems so great. We are forever thankful to you.

Our sermon last week at church was about accountability and how God made us to do life together and not to do life solo. I can't imagine it any other way. You all help me through the hurts and disappointments and make me laugh and distract me and are always there to point out something I may not have thought of....I have the best support system, friendships and family that one could have. But you wouldn't have all known how to do that for me if I didn't share it.....so for all of you introverts out there....find at least one person you can share things with...we aren't supposed to do this alone;)

So a little after 11 this morning I got a call from Safe Families. MOM called and had said she was going to be late and then she didn't show up. They waited for over an hour past the agreed upon meeting time and then left. They let her know that no one will be there and that they are filing abandonment charges on her. I got off the phone and cried for my P and L. I cried for her failures and that she will never be able to be who they need her to be. I cried that I have tried to prepare them for meeting with her and going home to her and she made all that untrue. We called our attorney and let him know to file the adoption as soon as they can. We will be pleading with DCS and the courts that they be allowed to stay in our care until it is finalized. I don't think she'll contest it....I don't think she'll show up. BUT, if she does, she needs to be aware that I fully consider myself their mother and I will fight for these babies with all my might. She will not be able to disappoint or hurt them again.

My prayer last night was that God give me a sign if we are to fight for them, if we are their family. I told him that if she messes up today that the gloves wil come off. The gloves are off.

P and L were told by Safe families that the bus MOM was on got stuck. I asked them how they felt about not getting to see her and P said she was fine and L said he was mad. I guess he acted out quite a bit when they told him she wasn't coming....kicking and hitting and throwing things. P seemed fine by it all but I know that smile hides all kinds of hurts. They keep asking for hugs and climbing into my lap. Lots of energy that I'm trying to find positive outlets for. I think the afternoon will hold a dance party and wrestling with Dad when he gets home.....and of course, a nap! (that's for me) We talked about using our words when we feel angry and asking for a hug or to sit with mom if we need attention. I kissed and hugged and told them I was sorry they didn't get to see MOM but I was so glad they were home with me now.

Once again, God sent His angels for me today. All of you that sent messages online or texted or called. My sweet friend that showed up at lunch with a large dt coke and a hug for me, not knowing she would walk in on the kids return. She was able to love on them too and was a beautiful reminder to me that we are so not alone in any of this. What a mighty God we serve.

So all of you baton toting, letter writing, fight the system friends of mine....I'll let ya know when if I need ya cause as the kids like to say..........."IT'S ON!"

A tough day...

2010-01-12T14:34:00.000-08:00

Today was a tough day for me. I got a migraine last night and it hasn't let up much. I called Trevor at work and he came home for me so I could lay down a bit. Trevor and I both stand firm in our decision and feel at peace with it but every few minutes or so it seems like we are questioning another point or idea but we end up coming back to this one.

I asked P and L three questions this morning. If they would like to visit with their other Mommy sometime soon, if they miss her and if they would be okay with living with her again and leaving our home......they answered yes to all three. Even though in an odd way it hurt my feelings, it made me feel at peace that they are not scared. They seemed to be more huggy today and would just come sit with me for no reason more. I'm sure they sense a big change coming.

We spoke with the originals after school today. Noah said he wants them to be ours and L is so funny to have around. They are best buddies. He looked very upset. Grace sat quietly with huge crocodile tears streaming down. I asked if she felt sad and she just shook her head and her little body shook. I held her and we both cried and I told her it made me sad too. Ava started bawling. We talked with them about loving the kids and MOM and how we have just tried to listen to what God wants from our family and we will always be here for the kids and it isn't written in stone yet and we were so proud of how wonderful they have been to P and L. How they have shared everything they have with them and loved them so well and showed them how to do things and been patient and just told them how great we think they are. We also talked about being excited for P and L if their MOM is able to be their Mom again and how special it is that our family could help with that. We told them to come and talk to us anytime they want to about their feelings on this.

It has all worn me out. The children will have their first visit with their MOM on Thursday morning. I know it will be best for me to be their with them and I will be their......next week. I just can't right now. I know myself too well and I am so emotionally spent that if I were to be with her right now and she would say something cross to me, well.....I just don't trust myself to be who I need to be. I have a feeling I would show her ghetto like she's never seen so I'm going to be thankful that I know my limits and let Safe families handle this one. They will meet with her for the next three weeks and as long as she has in place food, childcare and medicaid back up and running they will be returned to her February 1st. 20 more days with them......

Thank you all for your prayers. Our family is blessed beyond measure in the support and encouragement that is given to us.

God knew how my day would go.

2010-01-11T10:43:00.001-08:00

I have to keep telling myself that today didn't surprise my God. He knew exactly how it was going to pan out and He knew I would call on Him and He would be there. I just wish He would have told me.

I was watching two kiddos, someone was here working on our cable and phone and another was here working on our garage door and in the middle of it all, I got a call from Safe Families and MOM was demanding her children back right now. I ask them to try to calm her and tell her we have been more than willing for eight months to work with her to get her children back and we still are if she wants to do this in a way that is best for them. Trying not to panic, I call Trevor, I call our attorney and I say a prayer to myself. I pray for the kids that they be protected and that this is not a time for lessons but that I need you, God to love them and care for them and keep them safe and I need you, God, to work a miracle in this situation today.

In the meantime my friend has come to pick up her child and I fill her in and she puts her hands on my shoulders and prays for the kids, MOM and us. I wipe my tears and try to look normal for the kids and dish out chicken nuggets and mac and cheese all the while in awe of the fact that life is happening around me and the garage door guy has questions and the children are fighting and playing and laughing and my world feels like it is collapsing in on me!

I realize we have no legal right to keep the children.

Another friend drops Ava off from pre-school gives me a hug when I tell her and is immediately calling friends for me and asking for prayers. As the kids eat, I am thinking what would I pack for them, how will I tell our children, how will I tell them......how will I be without them...P says something sweet about our family and her plan for the day for us and it makes me want to curl into the fetal position and cry. I have to appear normal for them. I don't want them to be scared or know anything is happening.

About an hour goes by and Safe Families calls to tell me that they were able to calm her a bit and she realized she didn't have any plans in place for them and needs to get that done first. She wants them back. She said it. She wants to transition them back into her home. We are not exactly sure what it will look like yet but DCS will be involved and MOM will have to acquire child care vouchers and food stamps before they are allowed back into her care. She will start visitations with them each week and they will transition back into her home in about a month or so.

I am trying not to be a complete mess. This entire experience has shown me, if nothing else, you never know what might happen. I read back over my journal/blog since the time they've been with us and I am reminded of a MOM that loves them. It doesn't look like a love I'm used to but she loves them all the same. I feel like I have to say that this MOM did not abuse or neglect her children. She did a responsible thing by getting the help of Safe Families to care for her children while she got on her feet. Has she acted how I think she should have the past eight months, no but I have to recognize what she's done. She is the one who put the adoption thing out there, yes but she also has not been able to go through with it. I don't know if she can do it. I honestly don't. I don't know if she'll go through with the transition. I cannot spend the next month or so in reaction to what she may or may not do. I have to love these children with all I've got and cover them in prayer. I have to prepare my family and myself for what life might bring us or take from us.

I don't know if we still file the adoption paperwork in case she doesn't follow through.....I don't know. After we talk to our attorney and Safe families and DCS, we'll know more. I do know that God has been with us through all of this and He will continue to hold my family in His ever watchful gaze. I do know that yesterday at church a friend asked if she could bring dinner for us this evening and I told her we were fine but she insisted and I know God was not surprised by my day. I know God sent my friend to pick up her child right at the perfect time so she could pray with me and He sent another one to give me a hug and spread the prayer word..... Today, just today I changed the little tag on my emails to this.....“Peace is the divine gift of the ability to remain faithful, calm and patient in spite of the panic of unfulfilled dreams, unpleasant circumstances and unavoidable uncertainty.” ~Pastor Chuck Swindoll. I am hanging on those words.

We said just this week that filing for the adoption will either make her finally step up and be their mother or make them finally forever ours.....this is not the answer I was hoping for but we set out on this journey to be parents to a child that needed some, not to take children away from a mother that was struggling because we could do better.....where do you draw the line on that way of thinking?! I just don't know.

My entire family is head over heels in love with P and L. They seem like they have been with us forever. I don't really remember life before them. We have friends and family who I know will feel this to their core. We have so much support and love from so many people that I know these two little lives have affected more people in this short amount of time than they will ever know. I hope we have had the same affect on MOM's life.

I am not throwing in the towel. I know that these situations can turn on a dime and this roller coaster ride isn't finished with me yet but today has been one of those days when you are face to the ground pleading with your Savior and fists pumping in the air at the world we live in. It's been a day of indiscribable sorrow and grief and a day of relief and anticipation and worry. It's been a day of trusting and praying and believing that our God has us.

So for now, I guess I'm going to be preparing these beautiful babies for life without us, for life with MOM. I am going to be preparing the originals and Trevor and I for the next journey of our lives and just trying to remain obedient to what He is calling us to do. But all the while, I will be on my toes for the next curve that comes our way.

God knew how my day would be. He knew I would want it all about me. He knew I would feel an instant rip from my chest when I heard 'she wants them back now' over the phone. He put people in place to love me. He put His words on my heart to sustain me and He put himself on the cross to cover me when I shout out in anger at the hurt this causes me. He knew I would love these children to the tips of my toes and the tops of my highlights. He knew I would think I was a better mom and we were a better family. He knew it would be hard. I think He also knew that we were going to praise Him anyhow and offer a mother that hasn't had any love in her life, a chance at it. He knew we would smother these children with love and affection and show them a community of believers that love them and believe in them and will root for them.

I do not know what the next few weeks will bring. Heck, last night I was naming my babies....and now, now....I'm weeping as they rest upstairs wondering how many more naps they will have here. I am going to try my hardest to stay in a place of peace with our Father. I am going to try to stay open to His calling for P and L and just be obedient to it.

I know you all want to fight with me. It is why I love you all so. I know it is your gut reaction to meet me at the courthouse with batons in hand and fight for these two babies but it is my hope that you will pray for this mother who through very difficult circumstances was able to love them for three years and keep a roof over their head and food in their bellies......it is my hope that you will pray that if she wants her children back that she is again able to do that.....no matter how much we all have fallen in love.

What's in a name?

2010-01-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

You know the age old question what's in a name and there's that whole a rose by any other name thing and yadda yadda yadda. Well this weekend we had to decide what if anything we would want to change P and L's name too. We instantly knew we would not be changing their first name. They are toddlers that are well aware of their names and it is who they are, who they came into this world being and although it is not the name I'm sure I would have given them, it is just one more thing that we don't want them to lose. They will of course take our last name and neither of them know their middle names so we are changing those. I figure it is a good way to merge the past with the present, their old family with their new one.

If you all are like us, naming your child was no easy task. I have a little test I do. It of course has to flow with the first and last name. It has to sound good at infancy on a birth announcement. It has to pass the high school graduation test and it has to pass the professional printed on a business card challenge. If it works for those three timeframes, it passes.

So back in July only about 7 weeks after the kids moved in with us, my friend posted a note on Facebook that was a devotion by Kay Arthur that she just wanted to share. While I read it, I wept. I still do everytime I look at it. The biblical character that it talks about just spoke to me so much of my L. It's about a boy born of unremarkable circumstances that is called to do great things for our Father. And at first he questions how could God love him or his people if they were surrounded by such poverty, danger and pain and the beginnings of L's life have certainly been filled with both. Then he realizes that this is truly God that is taking an interest in him and the young man is filled with peace. He realizes that no matter what circumstances you are in that God is there with you and that even though God continued to put him in hard situations, that he will be there with him at all times. With my L, I do not know what his journey ahead will look like and their have been so many moments since he walked through our door that I've wondered what will happen to this precious child, but the fact that God loves him even more than I and that I know He will not leave him has brought me peace like no other. So for that reason, L's middle name will be Gideon. It doesn't really pass my test. It doesn't flow but it does tell a story of special young man that I know can do great things for God no matter his circumstances. It fits him perfectly.

Here is a portion of the devotion my friend posted:
Finding Peace in Times of Distress
Kay Arthur
Precepts for Life
When the hour is dark, when the situation is desperate, when we are humbled and brought very low, we finally begin looking and longing for God’s peace. Trembling, we grope through the darkness, longing to know that all will be well. When the angel of Jehovah appeared to Gideon (Judges 6), he was crouching in the dark confines of a winepress, threshing wheat in secret to protect it — and himself — from the Midianite invaders. This was not a new way to thresh grain, it was cowardice.

Listen to how the angel of the Lord addresses Gideon. The angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, “The LORD is with you, O valiant warrior.” Then Gideon said to him, “O my lord, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? …the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.” The LORD looked at him and said, “Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian. Have I not sent you?” (Judges 6:12-14)

At first Gideon questioned this angel of the Lord and complained about his circumstances. How could God really love Israel? How could God really care about Gideon when they were all in such distress, danger, and poverty? Gideon did not yet know to Whom he was speaking. This angel spoke as Jehovah Himself, and when Gideon finally realized he’d been discussing politics and religion with God — face to face — he was rightfully terrified:“Alas, O Lord GOD! For now I have seen the angel of the LORD face to face.” The LORD said to him, “Peace to you, do not fear; you shall not die.” Then Gideon built an altar there to the LORD and named it The LORD is Peace. (Judges 6:22-24)

When do we first encounter the name Jehovah-shalom? Where does God first reveal His name as The Lord is Peace? In the presence of a man who is desperately afraid… a man who is literally walled in by circumstances… a man who is worried and discouraged and has no peace in his heart.

When Gideon’s eyes were at last opened to see that the Lord had taken a personal interest in his situation, that God was present with him in the midst of all this darkness and fear, he worshiped the Lord by a new name — Jehovah-shalom, The Lord is Peace. In the days to come, the Lord was going to put Gideon in some very unpeaceful situations. In some ways Gideon would face more stresses and challenges than he had ever faced in his young life. Learning this business of being a “valiant warrior” wasn’t going to be easy. But no matter what happened from this point on, Gideon could look back to an altar. He could look back at a moment in time when Jehovah-shalom said to him, “Peace to you, do not fear.”

And as for P, well, her's was easy. She has not stopped smiling since she walked in the door and Trevor's sister's name is Joy so.....Joy it will be. It passes the test on all accounts.