Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Sad and frustrated don't really begin to scratch the surface but those are the words I'll go with for now. Continuance. When we went to sleep last night I told my husband that it was strange that our attorney's office didn't call to say they'll see us tomorrow as they usually do. We got their this morning and report in to the office to let the court know we are there. She gives me this 'I wish I could help you and I am so sorry' look and says that our attorney's office called yesterday afternoon trying to file a continuance. I am at a loss and instantly feel red faced and angry. I breathe and try to stay calm until I find out what is going on. Our attorney walks in and hands me an affidavit filled with legal jargon that few could understand. Walks over to the window and talks about a continuance. I finally ask him what is going on and he says that they have been waiting on me to sign this affidavit and can't publish in the paper for MOM until I do so. I tell him I thought that is what we've been waiting on this entire time since the last hearing and he's says they are waiting on me to sign this affidavit that I am for the first time right now hearing about or seeing!!!!!! Tears just roll and I reassure our attorney that I haven't spoken to his office about this and I would remember because this is the most important thing in my life right now and we even have a celebration planned because we were told today would be the day. Tears flow and I just sit silently while the clerk and he do what they need to do. I can't say anything. I let Trevor talk with our attorney and hear him repeatedly ask if there is anything that we need to do or sign from here on out. If there is anything that we are responsible for. I wish that people would just be able to say, Hey I dropped the ball and I am so sorry but that is not the case. Out attorney is a good good man and I know we are human and errors occur so I am trying, through my tears to forgive this and let it go. I am unable to say anything but to smile and say thank you. Trevor shuts the door to the car and the sobs start. The kind that shake your shoulders and give you an instant headache and a blotchy face. Trev lets me spew my frustration and ugliness I'm feeling and loves me anyway. He just puts his hand on my shoulder and let's me get it out.

I compose myself to pick up the kiddos and as soon as I walk in the door and see my loving and supportive friend I cry in her arms. The kids are asking what is wrong with mommy and I feel like someone may appear at any moment and hand me the mother of the year award for freaking everyone out. I dry up the tears and tell them I'm fine. I tell them it just didn't happen today and that I wish so badly it did. I let them know it will happen and that God has such a huge plan for our family and sometimes it's just not easy for Mommy to wait. On the way home they say they are sorry it didn't happen today but they argue and giggle and act the same way they did before it all and it hits me. We are a family. I know that. God picked us as a family long ago. He told me these children were mine over a year ago and I just need to put my trust in that. I know it will happen. The main reason I need the court to agree is for insurance and doctors and that fear that hangs over me that maybe they won't be mine,and for the rest of the world to see that I am their momma. But my God, reminds me that He's got this. He has made them mine and He will make this happen and it is my job to trust and believe that. I am their Mommy. Not because a court tells me so, but because God has entrusted me with their care, because our God handpicked them for our family. The love I have for them doesn't come from a piece of paper or a man at a desk in a black robe....it comes from the love our Heavenly Father has for me, for them....It comes from the fact that we are all adopted into HIS family. I don't need a judge to tell me that. It is the reason I don't want a picture with the judge and the kids. My God is the one who has created this family. It is HIS image I want us for us when we think of how our journey has been blessed.

So as I still am well aware of the need for the cooperation of our legal system and how important that day will be for us, I have to focus on the good or I will crumble in a ball and cry. This morning when we dropped off the kids at my friends, the husband had gone into work late so he could pray with us. When I came to pick them up she hugged me and let my cry into her shoulder. On our way home we passed several houses that I knew had people inside praying for us. I got texts on my phone of loving thoughts and prayers sent our way. My inbox was filled with prayers and well wishes and my FB page was brimming with encouragement and support. That is what God did. It isn't His fault that today wasn't the day. Human error. It happens. There will be day that our family can celebrate that the legal system recognizes what we have become over the past year and few months, but until then, I will rest in His peace. To God alone be the Glory.

We are completely humbled by the love and goodness our family feels from all of you. You have taught us so much. You are so a part of this journey with us. I will spend the day crying off and on, for that I am sure. It is coming from a place I am having a hard time controlling but I will praise HIM anyhow and it is in my family, my friends, and my God that I will rest my blotchy red face and be comforted. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


love said...

oh, jen! i don't understand it, but praise God that we have a God that we can't figure everything out about. a God that is always working for our good AND His glory....together. i'll be praying that whatever this extra time is for, that the time comes quickly and His goodness is shown. love ya, Jen.

Jodona said...

Jen, I do not understand either but I know God has a good reason and when those babies are yours the celebration will be even bigger! I wish I had an ounce of the faith that you have. You are such a great example for all of us to follow. To say I love you is understatement! Praying that time flies.

Janna said...

Learned a long time ago to trust in God's timing. As crazy as it seems at the time, there is a reason you're still waiting for "officiality" - and you may never know why - funny how that can make you smile just knowing our Father knows. Should be tears of joy today - they'll come later - I believe it and already thanking God for it.
love you all,
Janna and family

Melissa Cornell said...

You are so brave to share your breaking heart, but what a testimony you are to all of us. As I read, I started to get so angry about all of this, but then again, I learned along time ago that "He knows the plans he has for us...Jer.23:11"
I cry for you Jen, but I celebrate that we serve a God who knows more than we do, and as He has orchestrated everything in our past for our good, so will be the future...Praying sister for you and the family...and the legal system.

Beautiful Mess said...

there are no words...just love