Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Lost at sea...

I have shared lately that P and L have been missing their MOM and I believe are finely starting to grieve her. I am having a really hard time with things lately. It is very hard to feel like I am giving 100% of my love to someone and then with one simple innocent phrase from a 3 year old, I feel completely rejected. It is even tougher because the issues don't seem to be with Trevor or the other children. After all, they never had a daddy and are thrilled to have one and what isn't cool about having all these big brothers and sisters to play with and enjoy. I, on the other hand, in their minds, am trying to replace a mother that they knew and loved very much.

Earlier in the week P was acting mad at me and I asked her why and she said she doesn't want to be here. The knife was dull and flat right to the heart. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I know ,I know, she is three and she did not mean it like that and I know she really does love our family and being here.....but the other part of my heart realized that she blames me. For all of this. Her MOM won't get the blame because she isn't around to point the finger. Instead it will be me. She thinks, in her three year old little brain, that it is my fault she was ripped from her MOM. I am dying here. I felt so unbelievably sad and angry. Not angry with her but so so SO angry with MOM. At that moment, I felt no Grace for her. I felt so stinkin' mad that she made this sweet girl feel that way and that I will forever be the one cleaning up after her choice.

It seems that the times she asks for her are the times that she is or thinks she is in trouble. So then I struggle with am I being manipulated? Is my disciplining her interfering with our bonding? Will she ever want me?

And almost instantly the guilt of having those feelings start in....The hard part about this is that there is really no one to validate my feelings. I can't tell them. Who realy would get this? Who wouldn't judge these feelings and mumble about me under their breath or worry about how I'm doing? So, I write it out. I write and write and write and cry and cry and call out to my Jesus to comfort them and me. I ask him to keep my heart towards them and this grief pure and accepting. I ask him to give me His strength to handle this because quite frankly my earthly self is tired and worn down.

Would you please pray for me too if you get a chance? It's one of those times that I feel a bit lost at sea, treading water, land is nowhere in sight and storm clouds are on the horizon.

4 comments:

Beautiful Mess said...

WOW! YES, I would count it an HONOR and DO pray for you--but more specifically for this!

I was stopping by my "regular" blogs to ask for prayer for a family that is stuck in another crisis--check out my blog for more information.

And if you would like--email me so I can get you personal contact information-thanks

trentandjenpolk@hotmail.com

I think these word verifications are funny--this one says champ! and I thought of you CHAMP! :)

Ellie said...

Oh, Jen! I'm sorry. It's GOT to be so tough. I can relate to your feelings. Hang in there! Prayer can and will change things. I'd love to chat more sometime.
Sending hugs,
Ellie

Jen F. said...

Praying for you. As I read your post this song immediately came to mind. My prayer for you today.
Beauty for Ashes

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound Ive been set free
Ive been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

love said...

oh, jen. weeping for you right now. i will be praying specifically about this.