I have shared lately that P and L have been missing their MOM and I believe are finely starting to grieve her. I am having a really hard time with things lately. It is very hard to feel like I am giving 100% of my love to someone and then with one simple innocent phrase from a 3 year old, I feel completely rejected. It is even tougher because the issues don't seem to be with Trevor or the other children. After all, they never had a daddy and are thrilled to have one and what isn't cool about having all these big brothers and sisters to play with and enjoy. I, on the other hand, in their minds, am trying to replace a mother that they knew and loved very much.
Earlier in the week P was acting mad at me and I asked her why and she said she doesn't want to be here. The knife was dull and flat right to the heart. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I know ,I know, she is three and she did not mean it like that and I know she really does love our family and being here.....but the other part of my heart realized that she blames me. For all of this. Her MOM won't get the blame because she isn't around to point the finger. Instead it will be me. She thinks, in her three year old little brain, that it is my fault she was ripped from her MOM. I am dying here. I felt so unbelievably sad and angry. Not angry with her but so so SO angry with MOM. At that moment, I felt no Grace for her. I felt so stinkin' mad that she made this sweet girl feel that way and that I will forever be the one cleaning up after her choice.
It seems that the times she asks for her are the times that she is or thinks she is in trouble. So then I struggle with am I being manipulated? Is my disciplining her interfering with our bonding? Will she ever want me?
And almost instantly the guilt of having those feelings start in....The hard part about this is that there is really no one to validate my feelings. I can't tell them. Who realy would get this? Who wouldn't judge these feelings and mumble about me under their breath or worry about how I'm doing? So, I write it out. I write and write and write and cry and cry and call out to my Jesus to comfort them and me. I ask him to keep my heart towards them and this grief pure and accepting. I ask him to give me His strength to handle this because quite frankly my earthly self is tired and worn down.
Would you please pray for me too if you get a chance? It's one of those times that I feel a bit lost at sea, treading water, land is nowhere in sight and storm clouds are on the horizon.