It seems grief has hit our household with a two ton brick. P had a tough evening tonight. She got in trouble for something minor and cried and cried and cried. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted her Mommy. She said Mommy and it about killed me. With both of the kids having such a hard time lately I have tried to look back and see if there is anything different or if anything has precipitated this but I don't see anything. I think it has just hit them. I think the realization that she isn't coming back has hit them out of the blue.
I do not know why God chose me to parent two children who are grieving....sometimes I feel so completely inept at it. P and I had a good talk. We talked about what she missed most about her.....playing puzzles, taking walks and her just being her mommy, were the answers. We talked about things she likes doing here with this mommy and things that make her feel loved. She asked me when MOM would get more kids and it struck me then that there is a part of this beautiful three year old girl that thinks she wasn't good enough and that she was turned in for something better. I felt like I had been kicked square in the gut. I told her that I didn't think she would have more kids because she didn't know how to care for them and that they didn't do anything wrong or to cause any of this.
We planned to draw a picture for her MOM and make a special box we can keep things in that are special to us. I think we are going to start a lifebook for each of them that will help tell the story of their lives and give them a place to share their feelings and explains things that are hard to understand when you're so young. We prayed for MOM. We prayed for P and L and their sadness. The originals asked questions and I answered honestly and I could see them hurting for their brother and sister too.
It is tough to parent a child that is grieving....especially when it is a parent that you feel has caused this pain and you want to honor their feelings but at the same time get your own feelings hurt in it. I know it is not personal and I know they should want her and miss her and I know it is the healthy reaction.......but it leaves me feeling like I am just not up to par. It is hard when you know it is not you that they want.
Part of me wants to shout that I wanted her to be well enough too, that I wanted her to step up and be their mommy. Part of me wants to remind them that I make their meals and wipe their behinds and give them their baths and pick them up and hold them when they cry and I kiss the booboos and tuck them in and that I have changed my entire life to make this happen... And then I feel awful for even a second thinking any of that. And I feel thankful that I was able to keep that part hidden and instead just hug them and cry with them and tell them how sorry I am and that we will get through this together as a family. I thank them for trusting me with their feelings and that I'm so glad they tell me. I hug harder and smile bigger and pray over their hearts. I pray for my own heart. I pray to be the mom they need to be whole and healthy. I pray they feel loved to their core and that they are always enough..that they are perfectly made. I pray they see Jesus in the face of our family and feel HIS perfect all encompassing love for them.