This morning was a fury of activity. Two older kids off to school and the little guy I watch gets dropped off and getting P and L all ready for their visit with MOM. I did baths last night so they would be ready to go but P had an accident, which she never does, while I was getting her ready. I'm not sure if she's nervous or anxious or what so back into the tub with her. Redid Logan's hair so it would pass inspection and sat with them for breakfast to talk about what their day may be like.
I asked L how he was feeling, anxious?...excited?...nervous?... "Scared" was his answer. I wasn't ready for that. His tears started and I just held him and cried with him and explained how I know he must be scared since he hasn't seen her in awhile but that mommies friend's would be there to help take care of him and that MOM loves him and misses him and I bet they would have a really great day. The rest of the morning went smoothly and quickly and didn't give me alot of time to think about anything. When our caseworker arrived to pick them up, the kids were excited to see her and to get to ride in her car. I did good. Got them off before they could see a tear. Our social worker came back to the door and said with tears in her eyes, "I just want you to know I'm your advocate in this. You are a wonderful mom and so loving with them and I tell her that and will continue to." So the tears started and Ava asked why I'm sad and she just says, 'I'll miss them to mama.' Such a smart girl.
When I got to the computer this morning after drying what I thought was the last tear, I see all these comments on my blog and my facebook praying for us today and just offering love and encouragement and support and the tears fall again, but in a good way. They fall in that way when your heart feels full and you are just overcome with emotion at God's love for you, at His love for you through others He has placed in your life. Our family is so humbled by the support and love of our faith community and friends. Our loving God has surrounded us by so many people that lift us up and carry us when the burden of life seems so great. We are forever thankful to you.
Our sermon last week at church was about accountability and how God made us to do life together and not to do life solo. I can't imagine it any other way. You all help me through the hurts and disappointments and make me laugh and distract me and are always there to point out something I may not have thought of....I have the best support system, friendships and family that one could have. But you wouldn't have all known how to do that for me if I didn't share it.....so for all of you introverts out there....find at least one person you can share things with...we aren't supposed to do this alone;)
So a little after 11 this morning I got a call from Safe Families. MOM called and had said she was going to be late and then she didn't show up. They waited for over an hour past the agreed upon meeting time and then left. They let her know that no one will be there and that they are filing abandonment charges on her. I got off the phone and cried for my P and L. I cried for her failures and that she will never be able to be who they need her to be. I cried that I have tried to prepare them for meeting with her and going home to her and she made all that untrue. We called our attorney and let him know to file the adoption as soon as they can. We will be pleading with DCS and the courts that they be allowed to stay in our care until it is finalized. I don't think she'll contest it....I don't think she'll show up. BUT, if she does, she needs to be aware that I fully consider myself their mother and I will fight for these babies with all my might. She will not be able to disappoint or hurt them again.
My prayer last night was that God give me a sign if we are to fight for them, if we are their family. I told him that if she messes up today that the gloves wil come off. The gloves are off.
P and L were told by Safe families that the bus MOM was on got stuck. I asked them how they felt about not getting to see her and P said she was fine and L said he was mad. I guess he acted out quite a bit when they told him she wasn't coming....kicking and hitting and throwing things. P seemed fine by it all but I know that smile hides all kinds of hurts. They keep asking for hugs and climbing into my lap. Lots of energy that I'm trying to find positive outlets for. I think the afternoon will hold a dance party and wrestling with Dad when he gets home.....and of course, a nap! (that's for me) We talked about using our words when we feel angry and asking for a hug or to sit with mom if we need attention. I kissed and hugged and told them I was sorry they didn't get to see MOM but I was so glad they were home with me now.
Once again, God sent His angels for me today. All of you that sent messages online or texted or called. My sweet friend that showed up at lunch with a large dt coke and a hug for me, not knowing she would walk in on the kids return. She was able to love on them too and was a beautiful reminder to me that we are so not alone in any of this. What a mighty God we serve.
So all of you baton toting, letter writing, fight the system friends of mine....I'll let ya know when if I need ya cause as the kids like to say..........."IT'S ON!"