Monday, December 28, 2009

Why is it her choice?

No word from MOM today. She would not return Safe Families calls. I know many of you are wondering after seven months why it is MOM's choice reason is because that is the way the law works. But there are reasons I have that I will try to explain. Again, this is the way I process and you just get a peek at the insanity:)

Being a mom is the single hardest thing I will ever do and I was raised by the most loving parents that encouraged and supported me and even loved each other. I have a college education. I have a support system and friendships that the world envies. I have a husband that helps give baths and financially cares for our family and does the laundry and gives me a break when I need it. I am in my late 30's and have had many life experiences that have enriched my life. I am a firm believer and follower of Jesus. AND I cannot imagine doing any of this with anything less.

I can't imagine having two children by the time I was 20 and living on the streets because their father beat me to a pulp over and over again. I can't imagine trying to parent when the only example I had of parents was the dozens of foster parents who kept me for a few months at a time and a biological mother that drugged me so I wouldn't bother her. I cannot imagine having not a single healthy relationship in my lifetime and no one to call friend. I cannot imagine being a mom with little education or resources. I cannot imagine being a mom without a house over my head or the money for food on the table. I cannot imagine being a mom with all that stacked against me.

I don't say this out of pity. I say this because there are women all over this world that are mothers not like I would mother. It is about the quality of life that I don't think I can make a judgement on. I don't have the right to tell her she can't be their mom because she is unreliable and unstable. I don't have the right to tell her she can't be their mom because she is too poor or has made bad choices or is too young or too ignorant or has been too uninvolved.

She chose to give birth to them. She has loved them as best she could until 7 months ago against some pretty unspeakable odds and she broke. And she has done things I wish she wouldn't have and she makes me angry and frustrated but she is their mother.

My baby sister gave birth to her first child as a senior in high school. She had to drop out and get her GED and lived with my parents. There were times when I would watch her early on and think this is no way to parent a child, this is not the kind of life this baby deserves, this is not the way to parent.....and then one day it hit me, that despite her choices or her parenting style, she is her mom and not my mom or my sisters or I can take that away from her. As long as the child is not at an inherent risk of injury or neglect or abuse, we can't take that from her. We can encourage her and mentor her and show her Godly examples but we cannot take that place for her. I saw it with some of the teen moms I used to work with. They have to find their own way.

And my sister turned out to be a pretty good little mama. Sometimes we have to pray and love from a distance even though it seems impossible. My sister still doesn't parent like I would and she probably thinks I'm crazy but she loves my goddaughter with all her heart and she does what she thinks is best for her and she does the best she can and I am so proud of her for that. Many moms don't do what I think they should do or what I would do in any given situation....

I don't think MOM will have a happily ever after but there are many many parents that if I were to look into their lives would think they have no right to lead the little lives they do, but they do. I don't decide who gets to parent and who doesn't. Where would I draw the line.....

There is another reason. The biggest reason of all. I have fallen hopelessly in love with these children. I look in their sparkly eyes and I see a future that is uncertain and a pain that goes deeper than I can reach. I feel a sense of longing to be with their MOM and have her love them like she should and want them like she should and protect and provide for them like she should and it simply breaks my heart to it's core to not be able to give them that. I love them so very much that I want their MOM to be whole for them. I want her to heal and grow UP and let God lead her and I want the happily ever after for them. I want to see them run into the arms of a MOM that I know will be exactly what they need for this life. I want them to be loved more than they can imagine. I don't want the themes of abandonment and loss and grieving to be a part of their story. I don't want them to be sad and hurt and struggle with the feelings that must bring. It makes me angry and sad and frustrated and I grieve about it more than I ever could have imagined. I grieve for these children I love. I grieve for the loss I know they must feel and the fact that I can only do so much to fill that space.

I think it is very easy with adoption to see the wonderful side of it, which there is... a hugely wonderful side that brings a child into a family that loves and wants them and is great for them and can give them a wonderful life and values and all of that....but I think it is so easy for everyone but the children to forget the loss that always accompanies it.

I would be so happy to be their momma. I don't mean by any of this that I do not want to be. I want them to be my forever family so much. I just don't want that for myself through a loss for them.....does any of this even make sense?

This may seem a bit naive or silly but I'm new at this. The emotions that I have gone through in the past seven months and sometimes all in one day have plumb worn me out. Maybe this is completely unrealistic but it is how my thoughts look now. They change from minute to minute it seems so it's good to get it out and be able to go back and look at and pray about the choices we make. So this post is an attempt at clearing my mind so I can sleep. The past few nights have not been kind. Maybe that's why this has been such a ramble......but if it buys me sleep, I'll take it:)


Handmsmom said...

The "ramblings" all made perfect sense to me! Sleep well, sweet mama. Love you...

Beautiful Mess said...

I love the ramblings too--- I am considering what it would be like to foster children and this really helps.

It also help to know exactly what to lift to "Our Father" as I pray for you. your family, and MOM.

Thank you for your obedience to love when it hurts! this comes to mind---- There is no greater love than this-one who lays down his life for a friend! John 15:13

God bless! Jen