Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Not the miracle I was hoping for...

I don't want to say there will be no Christmas miracle this year because I know how huge my God is and I know families that are being touched by His miracles right now but evidently my plan is once again not HIS.

Safe Families was able to track down MOM. She was very rational and clear and they had a nice visit. They were able to give her the necklace we had made for her and she was very touched by it and appreciative. She loved being with us for Thanksgiving and could not believe how loving our family was to her. She appreciated all of it so much.
She is still very much on the fence. She stated that she would like to think about transitioning them back into her home and asked what that would look like and what she would have to do. They set out a timeline and tasks for her to complete. Right after Christmas they will meet again and she will either terminate her rights or we will start visitations and the children will be back in her care by Feb 1st. I do not know if this is my mind protecting itself or not but I just don't feel good about the prospects of this adoption going through. I hesitate to even say that outloud but why hold back now! I am trying not to be completely heartbroken and a total basket case for the holidays so I am going to attempt to smile and laugh and soak each moment in with them and remember for this year, for this Christmas, that we are, by all means a family. I don't need a legal document to tell me who my family is. I have been one of those people blessed by my legal family and we have enjoyed adding in honorary members throughout the years so I am not going to let definitions scare me and make me sad and send me into the fetal position crying.

I know MOM loves them. She does not parent like I would. She does not know what I know. She does not have the same values I have but she is their mother. I don't want a parent to not be able to parent because they lack the resources. She does love them and they love her. I have to pray with all my might that if she takes them back that she will love them and care for them and do her best for them....even if it is not what I would do. I have to trust that God will protect them and cover them in HIS magnificent grace.

I have to trust that our family, the originals and the rest of my extended family and friends will be better for loving these two little lives. I have to trust that we will be better for loving MOM. I have to trust that I will survive this.

And if by chance, I end up being their mom....then I will have total and complete peace knowing we gave MOM every opportunity to keep her babies and that someday I can explain to these beautiful faces how much she loved them and how hard she tried and how heartwrenching of a choice she made and how we had a multitude of people praying for her and them and us and that God's will be done in a very difficult situation.

When I think of MOM and the choice she is faced with, when I think of the possibility of losing them, at this time of year it makes me think of Mary and how as teenage girl when an angel appeared to her and told her she would bare a son and she would call HIM Jesus, she didn't argue or complain, she said yes. And from that moment on, our lives were changed. Jesus didn't call her mother. He called us all His family and that is what I pray we have done for P and L.
I pray we have shown them the greater meaning of family and this year as we blow out the candles on baby Jesus' cake, I'm sure the tears will flow. I will be remembering the choice that Mary made and hoping I can say yes with half as much grace. I will be remembering the choice MOM is trying to make and I will be remembering the day we said yes to this opportunity and I will be soaking it all in.

I am going to allow myself one creep into the fetal position cry, one all out ugly feel sorry for myself can't believe this is happening to me moment of pity and then I am going to soak each moment of this Christmas in with a smile on my face and laughter in my soul so if they are ever remembering what this Christmas was like with our family, they will remember a celebration of our Savior's birth!


Aimee said...

Will continue to pray for your situation. Let it out...cry ugly...scream at the world...punch a pillow...get it out of your system. It is cleansing. Been there, done that.

Love you!

Beautiful Mess said...

New as of today and I already am so in love with your family I want to cry a good ugly cry on your behalf and will..as a matter of fact it is starting already

Praying that no matter the miracle that your heart will rejoice as you walk out HIS plan for your life.

God bless!


Handmsmom said...

I am without words, but my heart is very full. I love you, Harris family. Keep hugging lots and lots, okay?

The Old Geezer said...

good blog
God bless you