I never thought I'd title an entry like that. God has quite a sense of humor! Thank you for all the prayers because I really wasn't that nervous. I called my friend Lia on the way there and was joking that I was going to drive thru Starbucks and see if they could add a shot of Kahlua to my hot chocolate:) I really felt shockinglly well though. Some may call it a curse but I think it is a blessing that I am a 'take it or leave it' , 'what ya see is what ya get' kinda girl. It helps in situations like these.
P, L and I went downtown to pick up their mom. Their wasn't room for all of us in our van so we met the others at my sisters. The kids were very excited waiting for her to come out and P could not get out of the van fast enough to hug her and she just burried her head in her neck. L got quiet and nervous and I had to ask him if he wanted to give her a hug and he started giggling and said no but I just teased him and he finally did. She was by far the nicest she's been to me. She hugged me and said I looked great and if a stranger were watching they would have assumed us old friends.
She looked good and the conversation in the van was easy. We talked about her work, school and her new apartment. We spoke about the kids a bit and her family and mine. It was a nice time. It felt good. When we turned into my sister's drive I could see her change. She said she was nervous and I could tell her 'flight or fight' survival skills were rearing their ugly head. I told her that we all were nervous and it was probably going to feel a bit awkward but that we were all glad she was here and we all loved her family. I thanked her for saying yes because I know it wasn't easy to do.
She was a bit quiet and would have kept to herself if we didn't engage her but when we did she was pleasant. She made several digs at my parenting that I just had to leave alone and breathe through:) She mainly played with P and L and the birthday presents she had brought for them. I made a frame for her that says "We are thankful for you" with the kids picture and they proudly gave that to her. P did not leave her side and did not act herself. She was almost solemn and did not run to everyone and hug them and act silly and sit on everyone's laps like usualy. L acted normal and could take her or leave her except for the fact that he cried easily if someone took a toy or he didn't get his way. They mainly called her by her name but as the day went on, P called her Mommy and L even did once. Safe Families had arranged for a cab to pick her up and drive her home and when it got there she was upset and told me it was too soon and the kids didn't understand why she had to leave. Of course they don't understand!!! They don't understand any of this. I explained to her that I did not arrange the cab or when it would come and she could talk to Safe Families if she was upset. So yes, I threw them under the bus and told them I did just that. Our social worker said that's what she's there for:)
L hugged her goodbye when we told him to and ran off and played. P held onto her sobbing and screaming "I want her." I had to pry her off of her a bit and was able to calm her in a few minutes but my heart and everyone else's was broken for this hurting little girl. It is obvious the bond that she feels to her mom and all I could say was I'm so sorry this hurts you. Mommy loves you and can't take care of you and she wants me to love you and I do so much. I will take care of you and love you and you will be safe. Not so easy to digest at 36 so I have no idea how you can at the age of 2.
The rest of the evening P played and acted fairly normal....not quite as giggly but good. L had major meltdowns over the tiniest thing. I could just see him hurting and struggling and angry and not sure why or how to handle it all. This is the exact reason why she cannot continue to pop into their life when the urge hits. Children cannot process that kind of pain.
After having a day to process our thanksgiving with Baby Mama, I realize a few things. One, she will never fully take responsibility for them. I believe she is incapable of it. Secondly, she will never fully let go. Third, loving someone like we do these babies, hurts but is completely worth it. I am not sure what will be the next step. We want to talk with our attorney this week and DCS to determine what our options are and the affect it would have on the children. We know that becoming their guardians and her showing up when she wants is not an option that we are willing to do. It is not healthy for her or them or us. We may have to quickly become licensed foster parents in case they would become a part of the system. We are working closely with Safe Families as to what the next step will be and ensuring it is best for the kids. We want to be their forever family but we have to do that in a healthy way for all of us.
We are praying for wisdom and guidance for a miracle to be worked in her heart. Trying to love her like Jesus and these children and the three we already have feels like a juggling act at times. Trying to wade the waters of the 'system' and the legal stuff and the emotions and the logistics is at times overwhelming but I rest in knowing that we are doing everything we do out of love. I have to be okay with the fact that I am limited in how I can help her. The problems she has are not ones I am equipped to handle and the offers I give are met with rejection. Our hands are tied as to what we can do for these babies by the legal system and the welfare system and the rights of their mother.
But I know my God. I have seen His miracles firsthand. I have seen him move mountains and clear obstacles and do the impossible. I believe in His mighty hand and I trust in HIS soveriegnty and love for these children and for their mom and for our family. I know He is in control and I surrender all to Him. This is greater than me or Trevor or our family. This is more than we can do. You have to take this one God. I also fully realize that this ending may not be what I think it should be. I realize this ending may take me to the ground. I realize this ending may make no earthly sense to us but I am determined, Lord, that you will be glorified. I am confident that Your Love will prevail and that in all of this, someone will know Your name and feel Your presence. In all of this, we will praise You. In all of this, we will soak in the lessons You have for us. In all of this, our children will see that we love like Jesus even when it's hard. In all of this, our children will see that we make ourselves one with people who seem nothing like us. In all of this, our children will see that we serve the least of these. In all of this, Lord, you will carry our burdens if we just leave them at Your feet. Here they are.