No news is good news. That seems to be true for us lately. We'll go weeks without much contact with the kids mom and I almost forget to worry about it. She always calls to check in on them with Safe Families but doesn't ask anything of us or have questions or anything. I've been having lots of medical tests done to figure out why I am so tired all the time and in pain, and my blood pressure drops too low and sweating like a banchee. So we wait and if we don't hear anything, it's okay.
I spoke with the kids MOM yesterday by speaker phone with Safe Families. She wants to plan a party for our entire family for their birthdays and I think that is very sweet and thoughtful. She feels proud that she can do that. She is still working and has gotten an apartment and is not taking any assistance from the government right now. She knows that she was in a deep depression for the past few months and is not proud of the way she acted. I asked her to spend Thanksgiving with us. I'm not sure if she will yet or not but I could tell she was very thankful that I asked. I know that may make no sense to people but through all of this God has placed a huge burden on my heart for this girl and at times I'm not so sure that she isn't the one that needs us the most, that she isn't the one that we are called to. I hope she comes. No one should be alone on Thanksgiving.
I can tell she struggles very much with the question of if she will ever be in a place to be able to care for the kids and when that will be or letting them go....I can not imagine those circumstances. Safe Families spoke with her a little about why she signed for Logan and not Perri and basically she realized that Logan is probably going to need special classes and therapies and she does not feel like she would be able to handle that financially or otherwise. I think that reaction is one, a lack of knowledge of resources available to him and two, sad. We don't get to pick and choose to keep the easy ones or the ones that cause the least amount of stress and no one in the United States should be in a position that they feel they should give their children up because educating them would require finances they don't have. The entire situation breaks my heart.
The more I learn about her upbringing and the more she opens up about her life, the more I see how broken our world is and how easy it is for that brokeness to be passed from generation to generation. In the same manner, I see what a blessing it is to pass along the saving power of our mighty God and how THAT is what truly changes lives. It is in that spirit that I continue to reach out to her. No matter how much I love P and L and feel they are my children, I love my God even more and He instructs me to love all men, even the ones that seem unlovable, even the ones that hurt me and push me away. My God is so amazing because He doesn't want me just to worship Him but He wants to grow me and make me better and stretch me and although there are times it brings me to my knees weeping, there is always a season of harvest....of fruit...and it is that promise I rest my face in. It is with that promise that I love MOM too and I will trust in His mercies and grace to handle each call and each moment with her.
I try not to worry about if these children will be mine or hers. I know they are HIS. She is HIS. I am thankful for God's example of sacrifice and forgiveness and for Jesus' example of love and embracing the least of these....I am failing and trying and falling and reaching to be more like HIM.