Friday, October 23, 2009

Struggling a bit

So, I'm struggling a bit. It seems that the elusive post mission trip haze has set in. I was in an intense all out serving God experience for two weeks with no distractions. Now I feel a bit small, a bit insignificant and alot like I'm not doing enough for God. I know I have my family and they are my first priority...it's just not near as exciting as a trip to Africa. I realize how ridiculous it sounds and as I type it, it makes me sound quite pathetic but it is what I'm feeling.

There's another thing...life continued without me while I was gone and most people weren't exposed to what I was exposed to so in this season of holiday wants and wishlists...it's hard for me not to want to nicely remind people how excessive our lives are on a global perspective. It's hard for me not to struggle with my own luxuries and wants. It's hard to not tell my children that they are getting goats, clean water and immunizations for Christmas for the children in Kenya. Merry Christmas! I know it's silly. I know it is not our existence. I know we can appreciate and enjoy our blessings. I'm just struggling.

It also appears that I have a slew of children that need me and want me and the two weeks of only being responsible for myself spoiled me. My patience has to be built back up:) Not everyone wants to see all one thousand pictures of mine and hear the story behind each one of them. Not everyone wants to serve in Africa or serve at all. Not everyone cares that these people are children of God and it doesn't matter if they are born in the USA or in a land far away.

So I'm just adjusting to this reverse culture shock. I'm sure it won't be long til I'm letting the water run longer than I need to, not thinking of all the people I could be feeding with the scraps I throw in the trash, dreaming of my new carpet and sectional again...but for now....I think of Africa and it's people and it hurts. It makes me sad that the difference between the haves and the have nots of this world is so vastly different. It challenges me to think of ways I can live my life more simply so that others may simple live. It pressures me to step out of my box and make a difference in the life of many or one. The images haunt me. The experience changed me but for now I have to wait patiently to see what God asks of me. I have to focus on the hope I saw there. I have to focus on the hope that Jesus brings and how there will be a day when there will be no suffering, no famine, no sickness and we will all truly be One in Heaven with Him. What a day that will be.

So I'm struggling a bit but I'm sure that's what He wants of me. The real work begins now for me. Digesting all of these images and experiences and listening for His call. I'm hoping that I don't forget or become non-chalant about the feelings this trip brought to the service of my soul. I want to remember. I want to have His eyes. I want to be used.

Our God amazes me. He is strong and mighty and vast and sovereign and I trust this process and the fruits that will come from it. Thank you, Lord, for this internal struggle. Thank you for breaking me. Use it to Your Glory.

1 comment:

anangel4us said...

All I can say is WOW!! I can feel your struggle through your words. What an awesome experience.