Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Waiting for the fallout...

We haven't heard anything yet today. I'll be surprised if we do. Yesterday she was officially on the streets with all the shelters full and she wasn't sure what she was going to do yet. She is being unreasonable and mean to the caseworker that has helped her so much. I really think we are dealing with some kind of psychological issue here. She is really unstable right now. She must be going through so much stress and pain and it is awful feeling so helpless in this.

have been told all of our options in regards to the children and what hers are as well. It is our prayer that she will listen to what, in my heart I know, God is telling her to do and that is to sign P over as well and let us all be a family. My fear is that she isn't really concerned with God's Will and will do her own thing and take P from us. We have decided that we will not let her take L. We are proceeding with his adoption. That is a bit different than we've felt in the past but I just know he will not make it with her. I do not want them to be split up but if she wants P, then I will not also give her L. P has a better chance if she only has one to worry about one and it is apparent she hasn't been able to deal with L for quite some time. I will not let that sweet boy become a statistic. I did not want to be the one responsible for them being apart but our caseworker reminded me that this is not my doing and she will have pushed us to that point if it happens. If she does not have a shelter lined up she won't be able to take P without DCS getting involved but having a child will help her find a shelter so that is working against us.

I don't think it's that healthy to think of all the 'what ifs' usually but we had to prayerfully consider what we would do if she did any number of her options and we'll have to do them right away. The thing we are not sure about is if she shows up at all. Our caseworker seems to think she will. I asked if she takes P to please not pick her up until the kids are home from school so they can say goodbye to her. She couldn't promise that. I can't even begin to think of helping this entire family heal from that loss so I am praying for God to move mountains and allow her heart to be ready to let P go. I cannot even think about saying goodbye to P or what that will be like for me. If you have met her, you know what a presence she has:) I would be rocking back and forth sobbing in a corner if I did and this family still needs me today. Please God don't let me know what that loss will feel like.

I cannot fathom the loss MOM is feeling and how helpless she feels in her own life. I don't know what else to do for her. We have tried and it is rejected. I will pray for her everyday for the rest of my life. This experience of seeing her life so upclose has changed me forever. I am grateful for knowing her children. I am grateful to her for loving them and caring for them as best she could as long as she did with little to no understanding of how to do it.

We have decided not to attend the court appointment and are sending our attorney. I think it will be easier for her to do without us there and am just not giving her the opportunity for this to get ugly. The appointment is at 8:30 so I'll be on my knees storming heaven then. This is all beyond nervewracking. I know in the next day my life will be forever changed one way or the other and I have absolutely no control in how. It has been quite a lesson of trusting God and the role of suffering in our lives. A lesson in just knowing He is present with you when the light is shining bright and when the dark tunnel seems like it is closing in. I know that whatever my family looks like after this day that He will be at the center of our lives and help us deal with the fallout. I have left a lot of burdens at His feet over the last few months and I am not worthy of His all encompassing love for me. None of us are.

One overwhelming theme in all of this has been the importance of relationships....friendships. It has been amazing to see old friends show up at my doorstep with bags of clothes for the children, money to appear in the mail now and then from some generous friend loving on our family, friends bring meals and watch our entire crew and friends that pray with me and for me and this entire community of people cheering us on. I am humbled by the support and uplifted by your encouragement. I am thrilled to have seen Perri and Logan welcomed in and loved on by our friends and family and I have no doubt they know what the love of Jesus looks like because of it. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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