Friday, September 4, 2009

overall, not too bad

This morning was spent giving baths and doing hairdos. When I told L he was not happy but he didn't cry. I explained they would be coming home and he seemed okay with it. He proceeded to cling to me the rest of the morning. I washed dishes with him on my leg, gave P her bath with him on my back and felt his little hand on me everywhere I went. P was excited to go and wanted to take her new dolly to show her. I could feel the prayers this morning. Safe Families even sent us an email that said they and the Chicago division prayed for us this morning. I love it when Christians really act like the body of Christ.

I decided to try and stay busy and make it a special day with Ava so I took her to lunch and to get some new shoes. She was so sweet and loved it. On the way to eat she said she was said that L and P had to go and when I asked her why she couldn't explain it, just that her heart felt sad. That coming from a four year old. My heart feels sad for them too, Ava. We talked about how Jesus would be with them even when we couldn't be and they would be home this evening to act silly with. She wanted to get them some Tic Tacs at Target and she thought that would make them feel better in case they are sad when they get back again. I get so touched by how much the 'orginals' think of the new 2!

They pulled in the drive around 5:00 and initially it was a much smoother transition home. They did not cry leaving her and they didn't cry coming here. Noah was in tears because L wouldn't hug him and it's hard for him to understand that it takes L a few minutes to get back to his normal self. My sweet sensitive Noah. A few minutes after Safe Families left L dropped a car he was carrying and it's wheel popped off. He fell to the floor crying so hard. I scooped him up and asked why he was sad and he sad his wheel. I was pretty certain it was not the wheel and asked if he had a hard day or a fun day and he said a fun day. I asked if he missed his other mom and he said yes and I told him it was okay to miss her and okay to love her and I was sorry he was sad. P is crying about a lot this evening but I think it is mostly just being tired. These days exhaust them.

At dinner we asked what they did and what they talked about and L just says I told (his mom's name) that I want to stay with you. I said did she ask you that and he said yes. I asked if she asked P that and he said yes and she said her. It is so frustrating that she would ask a two and three year old a question that she as an adult is having an impossible time answering. I assurred him that that is not a choice for a child and that only grownups should worry about that. The fact that she cannot take responsibility for this decision so much that she would try to put it on a toddler makes me sick. I hope neither of them remember that question or their answers to it. So if she is listening to their opionions, it will not suprise me in the least bit if she separates them.

I am just preparing myself for the the fact that I may be the mom to a very hurting boy in the next few weeks that will not only lose his mom but his sister too. I pray that is not the conclusion to this. I pray they have each other.

MOM told Safe Families she is ready for the 15th and knows what she is doing but once again wouldn't say what that is. Only two more weeks and this will be resolved. God help me to love like you do and to just be able to handle where this journey takes us next. Here I am. Use me.

Trevor took the older three to a party this evening and I decided to stay with these two so that they could just cry if they need to and get some cuddle time. I'm glad I did. They haven't left my side and are just needing that constant reassurance again. They are worn out so it's early to bed. Overall though, it wasn't too bad today. We made it.

Thank you all for the prayers today. I can't explain the peace I had other than that I could feel your love and God with us. Your support and encouragment mean so much to me.

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