Sunday, August 23, 2009

Self-pity ain't pertty.

I woke up this morning with piles of laundry calling my name, layers of dust on everything, sticky stuff on the kitchen floor, dishes in the sink and cramps so bad that evidently even my uterus feels the need to compete for my attention. People have it much worse I know. Today I feel sorry for me though. Today I feel like someone must be joking that this is my life. It's not pretty, I know. Down right ugly, but it is what it is.

I could write about how awesome my husband is or how beautiful and healthy my children are and they are....but today I just need a day to vent and we all know my affection for brutal honesty. I am tired. I am tired of being in charge around here and responsible for all of these little people and their schedules and their needs. I want to lay in bed til 10 in the morning. I want to stay up late and sleep through the night and not be woken up by tiny bladders and bad dreams and thirsty children. I want to be ALONE. ALONE for days. I want to do what I want to do and go where I want to go and listen and watch what I want to listen and watch. I want freedom from responsibility and being a grown up. I want money for things other than groceries and to have a cute red sectional couch in my family room instead of 15 year old couches with a slipcovers that look like an ugly pair of pants with a wedgie.

I know there is a flip side to all of this. I know the grass is always greener but this is my moment of self pity and I'm choosing to wallow in it. Look away if you must. I know it sounds horrible. I know there are mothers out there reading this appalled at my ability to say the things I've said or even think them. I know it is selfish and unreasonable. That is why I have to get it out there so I can move on. I also know there are some of you mommas out there that get it. That wish we could run off together and be irresonsible and wild!!

Don't worry, you won't hear about me on the news or see them carting me off in a little white jacket. It's not that bad. I'm just frustrated and emotional (hence the uterus comment). I'm shocked by the sheer amount of work it takes to run this family that doesn't let up for one single day, cramps or not. I'm just tired and the thought that the next sixteen or so years of my life are going to look like this is a bit....well, overwhelming at times. Most of the time I am able to dust myself off, cheer myself up and conquer the workload with a smile. I want to hug the little children waking me up and take them to their practices and lovingly take care of my family that I truly do adore. But today, for the next hour at least, I want to sit on the couch and let the stuff stay there and think about how some women are going to the spa today or going shopping with actual money or being taken out to dinner and how some have a cleaning lady coming tomorrow or someone doing their laundry. I want to think how the other half lives.

Then I will remember how their priorities are different and I would never change mine. I will remember how lucky I am to stay home with my children and how it is a choice we've worked very hard at allowing to happen. I will remember that everyone's children acts like they've lost their minds at some point and ours is still in a very big transition. I will remember how God has had His hand in shaping our family and bringing us together. I will look at these five little faces that are counting on me to be their example. I will look at my husband who let's me be me and lovingly and calmly helps me with every aspect of our home. I will think of all the husbands that don't. I will think of how God 's will is the center of our lives and how much that challenges me and grows me and how hard that can be BUT I will remember how grand that reward will be.... How much more like Jesus I want to look...how far I have to go. I will recognize that this journey He has us on is not all about me. I will snap out of it. In one hour. I'm giving myself an hour. Then the day can start over.

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