Saturday, July 25, 2009

Testing.

Last night I tried to prepare L and P for seeing MOM today. I reassured them I would be back and it was just for a short time. L did not want to go and was very clear about it. P was up for it. L has not had nightmares since his first week here. Last night he cried out in his sleep several times and I had to go in and comfort him.

This morning I got up early and packed a picnic lunch for MOM and the kiddos. I ironed their clothes and redid hair and wrapped a beautiful journal I bought for her to keep her thoughts or prayers in. We all got ready and the entire way their I was talking about how fun it would be to see her and to play and how I would be picking them back up to go their new cousin's birthday party. We stopped and bought flowers for her so they could greet her with them.

I pulled into the parking lot of the park about 15 minutes early and literally scared off a prostitute and her john.....don't ask me how I know but it was obvious. So I sat in this park with these kids on this gloomy rainy day and waited and waited. We sang songs and counted and said our ABC's and waited. I got frustrated and felt angry and sad and worried. I went to the shelter and sat there waiting. Went back to the park and waited some more. Shelter, waiting more. Called her cell, not working. Called another cell, voice mail full can't leave message. Called Safe Families to make sure she had'nt called. All the while these two litte babies are holding tight to these flowers and just unaward of the why behind her no show. I tell the kids I must have messed up the time or day and I'm sorry we will have to do it another time. They are fine with it as long as we can still go to Eli's party. Thank you, Jesus, that their age protects them from this hurt. For now.

Finally, two hours after we are supposed to meet, she calls Safe Families and says she overslept and is furious with me for not waiting and just knew I did not want her to see her kids. She was completely irrational and in a rage I guess. I feel scared that she will call and want them back immediately. I feel angry that she will not take responsibility for this mess. I feel so unbelievably sad for these kids that that is the reason she missed their time together. I struggled today.....alot. With my feelings towards her. With my fears and anxieties and irritations. I struggled with what God could possible want me to do.

I think this new sister and aunt are feeding her fears that I will take her children and run and never let her hear from or see them again. I think that she has never had someone she can trust in her life or who is who they say they are. I think that she is jealous of the life I've had and have. I think she is scared senseless....literally. She doesn't know the God I know or have the faith I have. She doesn't have the friends I have or family. It is only normal that her fear, overreaction, irrationality would be directed at me. I knew since the meeting with the therapist she was looking for something. Her tone with me had changed and she is looking for an out I think. Or if she can find something wrong with me, rationally or not, maybe it will make this easier in some way.

Today was my test. I'm sure there will be more. Will you love me still? Will you show me this love that you say your Jesus has even when I act like this? Will you love me if I act unloving? Her children have done the same in their own toddler test the limits way. And Jen, will you love this girl like I want you to? Will you show her the ME in you? Will you be MY hands and feet to this girl? Even if...... Can I still use you if it gets this hard? What will she learn about ME from you?

Yes, to you, Lord. Here I am. Rid me of myself. I belong to YOU. Please let this girl feel your love through us. Please let this girl heal someday. Please protect these children. And I know you are stretching me and I know it is to make me more like YOU but I hope you are finished soon because this hurts.

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