Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Facing my Fears

written July 12th

So in all honestly one of the main reasons we were adopting internationally was the fear I had of dealing with a living birth relative, in particular a birthmom. Well, I guess the good Lord wants me to get over that.

This was the second weekend in a row she has had the opportunity to see her children. Not only to see her children but to see them with us interacting as a family and she has not been able to either time. I'm sorry, but you don't have a job so what could be keeping you from your children? And you want to put ridiculous stipulations on an adoption and you can't even see them on a regular basis now?! My heart breaks for these children. I sat in church today and filled out our updated information card and felt so strange not putting their names down as our children. It was a feeling that wasn't expected and there aren't really words to describe it. My feelings have definitely crossed that line and I am now in protective mode and I am realizing their M-O-M is who I feel like i have to protect them from.

Trevor and I took all the kids suit shopping for him this weekend and then we all went out to eat and we had so much fun and L was giggling his great loud giggle and P was acting silly and Trevor just looked at me and said, "She's missing this. I am so sad for them that she makes the choices she makes." Breaks my heart. I love these children. I feel like these are my babies and I know they will always long for their mom's love and I will always be second best but how can you love yourself more than these two beautiful little souls? How can you not visit? How can you not sign the papers yet then so these kids know what their future is and we can make plans for our life? I feel like this lady has my life in her hands and that is a bit unnerving to say the least.

I know that there is only ONE who has my life in HIS hands and HE loves me and these kids more than I could ever begin too but it is scary stuff. These kids are really fantastic kids. Really loving and funny and spirited and they are little survivors and I look at them after less than two months time and I cannot imagine the thought of walking away from them. No matter my circumstance. I would be huddled under a bridge with my arms spread wide and protecting my children the best I could. I am so sad for P and L. So sad that the one thing they will probably always want in their lives, I will not be able to give them.

I will not be able to fill that void or heal that place in their hearts but I will do my best to give these two a sense of security and unconditional love. I will give them a safe place to grow their interests and dream their dreams and I will love them and encourage them and give them the best dad and brothers and sisters a child could want. I will give them this huge support system and faith family that loves them and is rooting for them and this crazy loud and big extended family that is completely in love with them. I will give them me, this flawed, struggling, bright white mama that will act silly and teach them and invest all my energy and love into them and I will sing and dance around the house and embarrass them in front of their friends and I will take care of them when they are sick and comfort them when their feelings are hurt or they are grieving and I will love their daddy and give them a stable home that they can test the limits and learn about life and how it works. I will teach them all about Jesus and our Sovereign God that brought our familiy together. I will plant the seed and watch it grow.

I pray I have the chance to do this. I pray I have the opportunity to be their mommy. Their real life Mommy.

I thought it was interesting that today we were singing a Wiggles song and L said, " I used to watch that at (birthmom's first name) house." He didn't call her Mommy or even Mommy ______. He used her first name to reference her and I think that says alot about where this little guys security is. It was the first time either of them mentioned her in a week or more.

Our life just seems so up in the air. I 'feel' like their mom. I am the one caring for them and doing their hair and kissing and cuddling and feeding and wiping and all of that but I cannot make the decision to cut their hair and they don't go to our doctor or our dentist and they don't have my name and it is just weird to me. It is all just a strange little place we find ourselves and I feel like we are making so many changes in our lives and need to make more and we are banking it all on this one lady's decision. I want what's best for P and L and I truly believe now, that it is us. I know she loves them and I am trusting that will guide her choice and I am praying for her and for her clarity. I am praying for my babies and that they always feel God's love for them and ours.

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