this post was writtent Thursday the 23rd of July, 2009
I don't even know where to start about today. I am still processing. I honestly just want to sit and cry but can't until my children are in bed. Tears keep creeping up so I am just wearing my sunglasses inside and hoping they think I'm cool:)
MOM said she is ready to sign papers and doesn't want to drag it out. She also said she just found a sister and her auntie and they are very against this. She said they would not change her mind, but it scares the heck out of me. I feel uncertain about how they will change the dynamics in all of this. She asked me how I feel about all of this, if I'm sure. When I answered her tears rolled down my face and I told her how much we loved them and felt like they are a part of our family. She replied that my emotions confuse her and that she doesn't understand how I cry for no reason. I tried to explain that I was brought up in a home where it was safe to talk about my feelings and my emotions and that when I talk about my children or family, it is an emotional subject for me, especially knowing that these two are not 'mine' yet. She completely didn't get it. She cries when someone dies. Period.
After my initial frustration, it just makes me so sad. How can you sit there and talk about placing your children for adoption and NOT cry? How can you sit there and have gone through all you've gone through and NOT cry? I told her that our experiences have been different and I realize she sees emotion as a weakness but that I do not. She looked at me like I was so rediculous to be crying over these kids I hardly knew. She does not understand how I can love them and feel so attached to them in such a short time. Her actual words. I wanted to shout, Don't you know how flippin' great these kids are? Don't you know how bright and smart and funny and loving? Don't you know how much joy they bring to our lives? Don't you see what a blessing they are? How could I not love them? How could I not feel attached? She made me feel a bit crazy to be honest.
The only thing she seemed concerned about in how they will be raised was the fact that I want to cut L's hair. Because he has 'good hair.' Of all the worries one may have when handing her children over to a stranger to raise, you would think to cut or not cut one's hair might not even make the list much less be at the top of it. So bizarre. Maybe that is how she can do this. To think of the little things. I don't know. I'm at a loss.
I am haunted by how broken she is. Haunted. What has this world brought her that she can sit there and not cry? What has this world and the people in it done to her that she can so expertly push her feelings into a place far away. How many hurts make someone this hard and this cold? How much pain does one person hold inside that they can no longer feel anything? Haunted.Part of me wanted to shake this girl and say I am not the crazy one. The other part wanted to take her into my arms and say only God can heal this. Only God can mend your soul and I will pray everyday for the rest of your life that He does so. That you let HIM.
She wants to see the kids on Sat. morning. She wants me to just drop them off and play at the park and the fear that gives me almost takes my breath away. I told her I thought they would be afraid if I left and I would hang back and let them play but she didn't seem to keen on that. I am going to try to do that though. I do not want them to feel like I am leaving them there. I do not want them to be confused. I do not want them to be scared.
We left the therapist office with these steps in place. He will draft an agreement this week that he thinks will work best for this situtation and we can respond with what we agree with and don't. as will Mom. Then we will take the final agreement to the attorney and she will sign papers. She insist she is still going through with it. She wants this to take no more than a few weeks time. She doesn't want it to drag out.
Just really raw emotion right now. Just a heavy sadness for her and a thankfulness that these two beautiful children found us and will be raised in a home where they can feel their emotions and be able to be whole....A fear for what might not happen or what might and a overwhelming sense of grief over the brokeness of our world. Trusting in God's goodness and mercy. Trusting in His sovereignty for our lives. Trusting in His protection for P and L. Just trusting.