written July 6th....
I haven't updated in awhile because my attitude hasn't been the greatest. A 'poor me' mood snuck up on me and I have just been very emotional. Someone said that shingles can make you a bit emotional and not quite yourself so I'm hoping that is what this is because I have not been the most pleasant person to be around. My 'poor me' mood is not attractive:)
It looks like this weekend, we, our entire family, will be spending part of Saturday with birthmom. She would like to see our family interacting I think. I actually wanted her to go to the zoo with us last week for the same reason. I want her to see that we are a family and that it works and is good and just fits. I am hoping it will help her come to peace with her decision. My concern is that she will think this is how it will always be...and we will all live happily ever after. I wish I could but it's just not in me. These visits make me nervous...sad for her, sad for the kids, anxious for the aftermath of behaviors...I just know it is not best for any of us.
The kids did great with a very busy latenight filled weekend. Ls self defense mechanism is to be tough and Ps has been harder to realize but she thinks she can charm and smile her way out of anything!! If she has a really big smile when I walk in the room, I know she is doing something she isn't supposed to be doing. The bigger the smile, the worse the offense:)
Yesterday I took Grace to camp Allendale for the week and it made me feel so strange. This girl has been under my wing for 9 years and really has spent very little time away from me. It was hard. Today felt weird without her and I have thought about her a hundred times. What is she doing? Is she homesick? Laughing now? Swimming? Is she growing in God? I would be lying though if I didn't have a little daydream about what it will be like when all my kids can go to camp:)
I redid her room today and get to surprise her with it when she gets home. It looks great. My friend came over and we let our 7 kids run all around and painted it. We got it all done and she will flip.
Our amazing God is still providing for us. We recieved another anonymous card with money that made me drop to my knees and cry. Someone is blessing us so much and it is completely overwhelming. It is cool to be able to explain to our children that God uses ordinary people to be HIS hands and feet and that may look like taking a friend dinner or going on a mission trip or babysitting for a friend that needs help or financially blessing others when you've been blessed. I am humbled and grateful for the love God has shown us through all of you.So I am trying to snap out of my bad attitude once again and count my many many blessings. I cannot wait to pick up my Gracer on Friday. The kids were all asking for her today and Logan asked God to let Grace have fun at 'camp church' in his prayers tonight. Perri thanked him for Grace's painted room:) Pray for my attitude. You all encourage me.