not the kids, me! I've just been not at my finest the last two days. I did get a much needed nap today and just kind of took it easy around the house. My patience was thin, everything was irritating and very LOUD. It finally hit me that the kids weren't really acting any different and nothing much had changed from the few days before so it must have been me, and it was. So I am working on MY attitude today. I think I just got tired, didn't feel great and started worrying about the MOM and why she hasn't returned anyone's calls in a week and what that means for us. So this afternoon my Lord quietly whispered to me that I need to remain in HIS present moment and not worry about anything but to Pray about everything and leave my burdens at HIS feet. So there, God, take it all. It is too much for me.
It's funny how I still forget that, when I know life works much better with HIM but I still try things on my own and try to plan my own day and my own life and then I get all grouchy and in a funk and overwhelmed and I realize I've lapsed back into my worldly ways. It's a constant battle. He must get so frustrated with me....again and again and again. Why can't I just get it?! Hmmm, our Heavenly Father's unconditional love with us sounds an awful lot like what like I am trying to accomplish with my own children but HE is much more accomplished than I:)
P has needed lots of love and attention lately. I can't imagine what this must be like for them. I think she is missing her momma. She asked for her today when I was doing her hair and again when she fell and hurt her head. She has a shiner! Poor little thing. She let me comfort her and when she was all done crying she looked up at me and said 'I want my mommy.' I told her I was sorry she couldn't be here for her and that she loves her so much and asked me to take good care of her. I don't think this will ever get easier. I found myself today with my bad attitude a bit miffed at mom that she can't be here for this great little girl that is hurting. I found myself irritated that these precious children have to learn what it means to be in a family. It always makes me sad and today it just made me mad. Wrong attitude I know. Judging, unkind, unsympathetic, harsh...i know.....just being honest. You know me, lay it all out there:) So I am praying for my stinky attitude. I think as I love them more and more, I feel more and more protective of them and my 'don't mess with my kids mommaness' comes out. (yes i made up that word)
It has been a pure joy today to see the kids all playing together so well. Grace was leading all kinds of adventures around the yard. Feeding the birds and finding worms and a dance party in the family room. A wonderful friend brought lunch on the perfect day for it since I wasn't feeling the best. It was so amazing to see P finally walk up to Noah and hug him and kiss him and watch his face light up! He has been trying to get one for awhile and at times she is not the most receptive to his kindness. It meant so much to him. I was watching through the window and he came running in to tell me she did it. It was unprovoked and I think he will always remember it.
As I type this, I am sitting here with all 5 of them on the couch with me watching Alvin and the Chipmunks and hearing the giggles and seeing all these shades of brown limbs all crossed over the other makes my heart completely full. I am going to live in this moment and not worry about what will come of this. I will love as big as I can love TODAY. I will try not to think of losing this. God has shown me how much HE rocks and I need to Believe it and trust!!We are working on getting organized and I think we've made some steps in the right direction. You should have seen the purge pile today:) It was a bit out of control. I cannot wait to serve with my family tomorrow at the Homebuild. Hope to see some of you there:)
I wrote this on the 12th...but didn't post on here til today..