Saturday, June 27, 2009

My emotional roller coaster

Who needs Kings Island when I have my own massive rollercoaster right here?

It's been an emotional few days for me. Trevor got to Jamaica okay but his father did not recognize him. It breaks my heart for my husband. Trevor's dad suffers from Alzheimers and has been back in Jamaica now for three years. He lived with us from the time Noah was 6 months old til he was 3 and 1/2. He is simply one of the best men I've ever known. He was a missionary in Haiti for years and spent 40 years as a minister in Jamaica before he had to retire early due to his illness. The 3 years he lived with us was the hardest of my life. It was very hard on me, on us. But I also learned so much from this man about life, about myself, and about God. He would read the bible every single day....morning, night and throughout the day. It has been difficult to watch his deterioration. Alzheimer's is one of those diseases that carries with it a hundred little deaths and griefs along the way. I love how my husband is with him. I love how gentle he is with him and unbelievably patient. I love how he cares for him with the dignity of a King and the love of a father now. He is enjoying his time with him, reading to him, praying with him, taking drives and eating lots of Jamaican grub. I wish I could be there just to hug Trevor and let him know what a great job he's doing and to offer support to him. T's mom died 13 years ago and it makes me sad that neither of his parents are able to be here for him anymore.

Birthmom met with our therapist this week and is just really struggling with her choice. I'm glad she is struggling. It would be weird if she didn't. I know she loves them. It is obvious they have been loved. She feels confident in her choice of us. She feels confident of our parenting them. She just wants to make sure this is the right decision for her. The one thing I can't answer for her. She feels like it is but cannot let go. I am struggling too with my role in this. How far do we go in this? How much time/energy/finances to we plug into mom to help her make this choice or to help her keep them. If I was in her position would this be something I was even contemplating or is there more to this story that we don't know and is she really not able to parent them. Being a good mom isn't about having a nice place and affording college. It's about loving your children and helping them make good's about encouraging and supporting them to become the people God intended them to be. Sure it is about providing for them food, shelter, and all of those things but that can look many different ways. What is my responsibilty to her as a Christian?

Am I supposed to just focus on and advocate for her children? Am I protecting them FROM her or FOR her? Just many unanswered questions and lots of raw emotion floating around. I will admit there are times when I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude and sadness for this mom. And then there have been moments when I've felt irritated with her that they are hurting and she hasn't been able to make the right choices for them. I feel one minute like I should try to 'save' her much like I did with my boyfriend selection in high school. :) Then I feel like she has to do this on her own or she will never be able to be the mom they need. Then there is the how long will that take and what happens to them in the meantime.

I think if we said today that she could see them every two weeks for the rest of their lives she would sign the papers. But I am not willing to do that. It is not best for the children. It is confusing and doesn't let anything heal. I am not willing to barter for them. I think I would never feel like I was the one in control of their lives or that every one of my decisions wasn't being questioned by her. I cannot co parent with anyone but Trevor. This is not a joint custody situation. I think she would eventually just fade out of the picture honestly but that isn't something I'm willing to bank on. That isn't something I'm willing to let happen to these children.Maybe she just needs time and will make the right choice on her own.

I think it gets so hard because I love them so much and they want their mom and I wish with all my heart that I could give them that. I wish I could shake my nose and their young lives would be filled with normalcy....that homeless shelters and domestic violence shelters and a dad that used to unmercifully beat their mom wasn't a part of their story. I wish they weren't sad. I wish that Logan's eyes didn't tell a story of too much for his 3 years.

In my heart, I know their Mom cannot do this. I know these two need our family and that we need them. My mind just runs to a thousand different places and questions throughout the day and it is tiring and hard. I wish I could turn it off:) One minute my faith is loud and strong and the other minute hidden in fear and anticipation. One minute I have the patience of a special needs teacher and the next of the soup nazi on Seinfeld.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Tomorrow will be one month that our family has changed. I know either way, it is changed forever. I am looking so forward to my husband's return on Wednesday. We are off to the pool today for some fun. Which means I will spend the day counting...1 2 3 4 5...1 2 3 4 5....making sure I"ve got them all:) I feel your prayers friends and your love.

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