Thursday, June 4, 2009

It's not everyday you meet the mother of your children...

There aren't even words to describe our day. I'm sure there are, but I am not that eloquent or capable and am still trying to process all these feelings.

We met with a therapist first that specializes in adoption/bonding and attachment. We wanted to make sure we understood what this transition would be like to our family and what to expect. We wanted to equip ourselves so we knew how best to integrate our little family and let everyone know we have enough love to go around.....He was amazing. So glad we went. He was very helpful. Very informative. He gave us kind of a worse care scenario and then encouraged us in what he thought we had going for us and gave us some suggestions on what to do/not to do in this situation. Can't say enough about him and his heart for families who adopt. He himself is an adoptive dad. BTW, he thinks you all are one of the things we have going for us:)

We went straight from there with the lady from Safe Families to meet Mom. I was so nervous and just prayed for God to give me the words for this, for her to be comfortable. She was very sweet. I could tell she had tried to look nice for us as I had for her!! She has been through alot. It was very evident she loves the kids. It was very evident she doesn't feel equipped to be a good mom to them. It was overwhelming to me to look at this girl and think that she has no one. No family, no friends, no one. I told her that I was certain God brought them into our life for a reason and if that is to love and support her than she has that and if it is to become a new family for P and L than we are thrilled to do that too.

I think about my sister who was a very young single mom and the dad was very abusive. I think about how hard it was for her....how difficult it is to be a single momma with great support. I think of how this mom was born into a different life experience and how different their stories will end up. It breaks me heart. You cannot tell me that we all have the same opportunities, that this is America and we have all these resources available to us........it simply isn't true. She had no control over the situation she was born into and neither did her children. Her life is one I can't imagine. She was brave and kind hearted and her life has led her to an impossible choice.She looked at me alot. I looked at her alot. I sensed that we both wanted to remember what the other looked like at this moment so we would have it forever. Most of the time I honestly felt like I was trying to talk her out of it.......I wasn't, I just really want to make sure she is making this decision thinking of the consequences, realizing the permanence of this.....I was thinking of these two babies who want their mom...what it will feel like to never have her again.....We cried alot. My feelings surprised me in the way that I felt so much for this girl....so thankful to her for loving the kids and knowing her limits before anything awful takes place. I felt empathy for her and no judgements toward her.....I felt like hugging her and like this was a baby I was looking at in so many ways. She is a 22 year old girl that is broken, very broken. She goes to church and says she is saved. She prays alot. She is a high school grad and trying to find a job and get into school. She is trying to make changes and I believe her. Like she said though, I would maybe be able to give them a life someday but I'm years from that.......just sad.

Learned a few things about what life was like for P and L up to this point. Learned about some bad choices and an unstable past. It was a very heavy day. We laughed some though. I asked her what she wanted for her kids, what a better life looked like to her, what kind of qualities or traits she felt like she or the dad had given the kids.....she liked talking about that and I enjoyed hearing it. She smiled talking about it. I tried to keep the conversation about her and the children. I wanted her to feel loved and to know her children were loved. I had hundreds of questions I want answered but God really put it on my heart that this day wasn't about me.....We spent about two hours together at a park. We all prayed together before we left. It was strange and good and overwhelming. As she closed the door I just cried.....for her and for these kids. We told her we didn't want her final decision yet. That we wanted her to process the day and us and pray. The kids will move in Sunday evening and we will be there Safe Family. When mom decides she is ready, we will proceed with the adoption. I think that will be very soon. I think she has thought this through and I think I will be the mom for these precious children of God. I am trusting in HIS sovereignty. She is having a final visit with them this week.......I can't fathom....

God be with Mom and P and L. God give us what we need to help all of our children be the people you created them to be. Help Mom turn her life around. Thank you for my childhood and my parents. Thank you for this huge group of family and friends. Thank you for their support and encouragment and love. Thank you for your presence in my life, for being the living God.You know when you're pregnant and you feel like everyone around you loves the baby so much before it even gets here.....I am blown away and so excited for these two little lives to walk into so much love!!To God be the glory for the things He has done.

Sorry for the rambling....you can see how jumbled up my mind is and thanks for letting me think 'outloud.' I am encouraged by you. I am blessed by you. I am humbled.

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