Friday, June 19, 2009

I surrender all

Today was crazy busy. My sister comes every six weeks or so and hooks me up with a haircut and color and some friends come and get theirs done too and it's just a fun hectic day of kids coming in and out and girl talk and keeping the dog out of the hair on the floor ( Dept. of Health would flip) and we all end up saving some money and look fabulous and the house is a bit torn apart and the kids are overstimulated but it works and it's actually pretty fun. All the kids got 'their hair did' and it's a sharp looking crew.

In the middle of it all today I got the call from our social worker that they found mom and she had spent some time with her. That conversation led me to my shower tonight and sliding down the side in the ugly cry singing "I surrender all. I surrender all. All to Thee My Precious Saviour, I surrender all." For the past nine years or so the shower has been one of my only places to go for quiet so it has turned into the place where I do some of my best praying. Some of my best praise and worship has happened in there and yes, the ugliest of ugly cries while asking God to get me through this struggle or that.

So, Mom agreed to come to our appointment on Monday with the attorney. She seemed very sure and ready to sign over rights but when our social worker said she had the papers and they could sign them today, she got very upset. She would go from saying that we were what is best for the kids to saying that if she gets this job that she could qualify for childcare vouchers......I know she is confused and I'm sure she is scared. She said she didn't call because she didn't have any minutes left on her phone. (don't get me started...trying not to judge) Her biggest fear is not ever seeing the kids again. I have said I'm not sure if I could handle visits or if it would be best for the children. I am open to it, I just really need to research and pray about it. Chances are she would fade out of the picture anyway, but I don't want to make that decision on a chance. I just want the children to be confident and secure and I'm not sure how visits with her would figure in to that.

I am scared to death that she will not go through with it. I am scared that they would end up in the system if she takes them back. I am scared of breaking my children's heart if we have to say goodbye to them. I am scared of the pain Trevor and I will feel. I asked the social worker if she had a feeling one way or the other and she said not really.

I got off the phone and told Trevor and just immediately started crying....the kind of crying that leaves your eyes red and your face blotchy. I love these babies. I love our family with them. I love parenting them. I love their little spirits and personalities. I would miss them something fierce. This is all what ifs....big what ifs and I am trying so hard to stay in each present moment with my loving God but it was tough to do today. I am trying so hard to trust in the Lord's plan for us and for them. I am trying to remember that My God is sovereign and all knowing and he knew that I would get this call on this day and be on this journey.......He knew I would be scared and He is so right here with me.

So since I have no control over any of this and have no idea what may come of our appointment on Monday, I am going with what I know. I know that God placed these two precious children in our lives for a reason. That may be to love them for one month or for a lifetime. That may be to embrace their mother as a member of our family too and it may be to plant the seed of God's love that someone else will get the thrill of watering. I only know that this is God and these gorgeous children are going to be loved so big that they will never be the same. I know that our mighty mountain moving God is with us and will continue to be with us. I know that He is glad we said yes and has blessed this choice more than we could have ever dreamed.

Tomorrow is a family reunion we are all going to. It should be a great day. I am going to enjoy it and stand in that place of joy and not be fearful of what happens next. I am going to spend Father's Day with the most amazing father and watch him with these five little faces and thank God for his integrity and character and the love, encouragement and structure he gives to them. I am going to soak in each moment with our family as it is now. I am going to love large and learn from it.

Then on Monday, we will be meeting with our attorney, social worker, and birth mom. Afterwards, she wants to visit with the kids. I have no idea what that will be like for me to see. I have no idea what that will be like for her or for these babies. I dont' know if we will be rejoicing that day that the kids will forever be a part of our famliy or if we won't know much more than we do now or devastated at her change of plans. I don't know if I will be helping these children grieve or grieving myself. I do know that God will be with us and that you all will be praying for us. I do know that I will never be the same and for that I am grateful. The plan is for me to take her back to the shelter then. Pray specifically for that time with her. That I am able to be a light in her life and that she directly feels God's love for her through me. Pray for the Holy Spirit just to give me the words.

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