Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Can a peanut buster parfait make it better?

Sorry that it's taken so long everyone to get this note up. Trevor leaves for Jamaica today and we were busy packing and buying up presents for his dad's caregivers and there families and supplies for his dad. Trevor is taking an entire suitcase packed with latex gloves, adult diapers, and soap. Wait til customs sees that:)

So they say that God always answers your prayers. Sometimes it's a 'yes' and others, it's a 'no' and then there is the dreaded 'wait'! Well I had three prayers on my way to our appointment and I think I got all 3 answers. First, I asked God to use Trevor and I to show Mom His love for her, that we would be what she needs today. Secondly, I asked that we get a set timeline for this journey we are on and finally, that we leave there knowing that these two children will be a part of our family forever.

To the first request, I got a yes. I think we accomplished the goal of Mom feeling loved. I think we were successful at letting her know our hearts and putting our fears aside for the moment. It helped that on the way to the appointment, after praying these prayers, I sat thinking about how afraid I was of this day...what it could mean for us, for me.....how sad I felt and anxious and then God reminded me that it's not about me....we heard the song "Lead Me to the Cross" and it says "Lead me to the cross where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you......Lead me....lead me to the cross." WOW! Rid me of myself. That was subtle, God. Maybe next time I'll listen to Q 95 or something. LOL Seriously, it was just what I needed to snap me back into my call for the day. The night before, I read back over these notes so I could remember my heart for this mom before I fell in love with her children. It helped me remember to be open and that these children are not the only ones that need the love of God in their lives.

The second request he answered with a big fat wait. To make a very long story short, Mom is just not ready to let go and we aren't sure when that will happen. I am pretty confident she will stick to the adoption plan but she is just not ready to let go. Her expectations for how open this could be are just not realistic. She has agreed to go to our therapist we met with and speak with him about what is best for the children in this situation and what that might look like. I think once she hears it from a professional, she will agree that twice a month is a bit much;) I really know she loves them and just can't imagine not being with them. She will make the right decision though.

So obviously for the third request, God gave me a no. It was a long shot I know.

For the details of the day, we met with Mom at the attorney's office and the kids were a bit apprehensive. I thought P would scream and run to her but that was not the case. I told P to look who was here and doesn't she look pretty and after a few minutes she went to her and hugged her and was very glad to see her. P was very affectionate with her and wanted to be with her and it was good. She was just as loving and affectionate with me as well and called both of us mommy. L was ticked. He wouldn't even look at her and it took quite awhile for Trevor to talk him in to go and give her a hug and say hi. The rest of the time he was nice to her but really didn't have much to do with her. We would have to say, L tell Mommy about this or do you want to sit with Mommy? It was hard to watch and hard to know my role in that situation but we made it.

Afterwards, Mom went with us and the kids to get some lunch and we just hung out together and went to the store so she could show me what she likes to use on their hair and skin. I wanted her to feel in control of something in her life since she feels so out of control right now. If you would have ever told me I'd be sitting at Rally's with the mother of my soon to be children, I would have said no way.

She shared with us a little more about their life and about the kids. I am going to keep it to myself for now. That is her story to tell and I want to respect her privacy and the childrens. Just let me say it's been a tough one. One that few of us can imagine. She will probably not be in the domestic violence shelter much longer because she hasn't found a job yet and that is one of the requirements of the program. She starts a job training program next week but will probably be homeless for awhile. It is a place they've been before. She will stay in a homeless shelter. It is tough for me to know, to see. We dropped her off at the shelter and I watched this broken girl walk away and thought what can I possibly do for her? How can I help? What is my responsibility in this? She thanked us for praying for her and told us we were doing the greatest thing anyone in her life has ever done for her by loving her children. It is one of those situations I've found myself in before where you are saddened by your limits. I cannot make her change or give her a job or the skills to get one. She needs to learn so much and heal so many gaping wounds from her childhood that it is something I truly can only pray for. She told P and L that they have two mommies now and she wants me to care for them and love them and they said that would be okay. I reassured her that it is not our heart to never mention her name or have them forget about her. That we will celebrate the fact that she loved them so well and talk about their little lives before they were a part of our family. She appreciated that. We took some pics so they'd have them.

The kids fell asleep within minutes of leaving her.....no tears. I think they were emotionally drained. I felt like I weighed 500 pounds and had been up for days. It gave me a chance to cry without worrying about what they were thinking. It gave Trevor and I a chance to pray and talk and try to process our feelings about the day. Honestly, I went through the rest of the day in a daze and felt kind of like I was in shock or something......a weird feeling and I'm sure was just my bodies way of protecting what string of sanity I have left! We decided to really focus on what God is calling us to do in each single day and that is to love them all this day. Big. Crazy. Unconditional. Faith-filled love.

So I went to Walmart late to stock up on clothes for some families in need in Jamaica and I found myself on my own in the car and the tears came and wouldn't really stop. That's where the peanut buster parfait comes in. Who's idea was it anyway to build the DQ on my way home from Walmart. The sweet girl at the window asked if I needed a lid and I told her no that it wasn't going to make it very far;) I must have looked a mess to her.

Throughout the day, I felt your prayers and concerns for us. It warmed my heart when I got home to see all the calls and emails checking on us. My dear friend kept our oldest 3 for us and I didn't worry about them once. My parents showed up on my doorstep after work, just to hug us. Takes them 30 minutes to get here and they were here just enough to hug us and let us know they loved us all. My girlfriend called in the middle of my cry/ice cream splurge because she just had to make sure I was okay. I wish Mom's life was full of support like ours. I think of how different it would be for all of them. It truly is our responsibility as Christians/humanity to be in relationships with others. It is about unity with others. We are in this together folks.

So today we are getting ready to have a big going away breakfast with dad. I am so glad Trevor gets to be with his dad but I think this trip will be very hard for him. I don't think his dad will know who he is this time and he can't really hold a conversation anymore. Pray for my husband. Pray that Trevor is able to be blessed with his visit with Daddy and he is able to give his caregivers some much needed and well deserved respite.

Thank you all so much for praying for our journey and going on it with us.

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